Monday, April 15, 2013

Yes, I'm Fat

OK, maybe this is surfacing because there's a huge party coming up in a matter of days and my insecurities always seem to surface just in time for a party. Usually, I have my stuff together enough that I don't even think about it. But lately (like over the past three or four days) my weight has become THE focus of my pre-party planning. Half of the clothes I had planned to wear I have discarded because of how fat I look in them. It's funny but I never used to particularly care how I looked from the front. Who was going to be looking at the front of me? Then I began to re-think this attitude. I'm a whole person...not just a bottom. I want the guys I play with at the party to know this. I want them to appreciate the whole person and not just the spankable bottom attached to the person.

I have obsessed about my weight most of my life. It started when I was a skinny child. I was self-conscious because I was so much skinnier than the other kids. I was a sickly child and it seemed like I was always down with something--measles, chicken pox, mumps, tonsillitis, pertussis (whooping cough), pleurisy, etc. Name something, I probably had it. I have a distinct memory, one windy spring day as a 7-year-old, hearing my grandmother advise my mother to put rocks in my pocket or I would blow away. That's how it started with me worrying about my weight. My grandmother also advised my mother to give me larger portions than my siblings got at mealtimes in order to put some weight on me. My mother, being a dutiful daughter, took her mother's advice. Somehow, I managed to equate my being underweight (which was actually a result of all of the illnesses I had had) with my somehow being a bad kid. I felt, in my childish brain, that was something I had caused and that, because of it, I was bringing shame on my family. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's how 7-year-olds reason things out. I should add right now that my parents were blameless in this. Neither of them made a big deal out of my weight. It was only my grandmother who was bothered by it and since my mother loved peace and quiet, she gave in to her mother's nagging on the subject. My grandmother also had her own ideas about what to do about my hearing loss, but thank God my  mother ignored those. Don't get me wrong. My grandmother wasn't an evil person. I quite liked her. She was thin and sickly, too, mostly from what was whispered among the other women in the family as "lady's problems". Believe me, I had "lady's problems" and they did not interfere with my ability to eat. Anyway, I wanted to be a "good girl" in my family's eyes, so I ate everything that was given to me. Is it any wonder that I had zero self-control when it came to food? As I grew, I began to get bigger and taller. I got hips and breasts in large amounts. Then I began to feel that I was too fat. Thus began my fat odyssey. All through it, my parents never once led me to believe that they loved me less because of my weight. Both of my parents were overweight as well (even though they were normal weight when they married). Needless to say, I spent most of my 20's and 30's stressing about my weight. It wasn't until I entered the spanking scene as a 42-year-old that I finally managed to find some acceptance about my size. Then came Fetlife. On Fetlife, I saw that there were a lot of very pretty, young thin women there and I began to have doubts again. But I went to parties and had fun despite knowing that I wasn't the best-looking lady there.

Then in August, 2010 my world changed forever. I had a heart attack, which I devoted several blog entries to back when it happened. At the time I had my myocardial infarction, I weighed 235 pounds. I knew I couldn't remain that heavy so I had to make some very drastic changes. I got rid of the potato chips, ice cream, candy and other unhealthy things that had basically comprised my diet. I even got rid of my bacon and eggs, two things I loved more than just about anything else. I had every intention of sticking to this diet. But I didn't. When it came to food, it was like I couldn't control myself. Instead of losing weight, I got heavier. At my heaviest, right before I finally got a job in August, 2011, I weighed 255 pounds. This is the photo that I had taken for my state ID right before I got hired. I didn't want to put 255 on my ID so I lied and put 235. I sincerely doubt that I fooled anyone. 

 I'd managed to gain 20 pounds in the year following my heart attack. Plus, I had no medical supervision whatsoever. I was unemployed and uninsured. I knew I had to buckle down and get myself down something approaching an acceptable weight. By the time I attended the Crimson Moon October party in 2011 (during which my Cardinals won the World Series) I had managed to lose 15 pounds. But I was still way too heavy. It didn't stop people from playing with me though.

Poor Tony, I'm practically crushing him here. But we had a great time playing. I kind of sensed that, due to the Cardinals' World Series win his interest in spanking me was purely because I was a fellow Cardinal fan and it seemed an appropriate way to celebrate. I had no illusions that he found me attractive on any other level. But as I continued on in my weight loss journey, a wonderful thing happened. I began to see results. Clothes I hadn't been able to wear before I could now fit into. I got into better shape as well, walking home from work everyday. Sometimes, I walked there and back. I began to see a more toned body. I wasn't necessarily any thinner. But in the Spring of 2012, I posted my first fully nude shot of myself on my Fetlife profile.

It was nothing earth shattering. And I posed the shot in my own way, still ashamed to show the front of my body. Just a month or so before the photo was taken, I'd gotten my first tattoo. I was feeling better and better about myself. When I shot this nude shot, I weight 220 pounds, 35 pounds less than when I started. I had decided months before this to grow my hair out, too so as I got thinner, my hair got longer. I was still self-conscious, but willing to show a little more of myself. I saw ladies who were way heavier than I was being happy with themselves and showing themselves with confidence and I figured, if they could do it, then I could do it, too. I started to get private messages from friends asking me if I would please post a photo of myself sticking my bottom up in the air, and the "famous" Cheryl Kay bottom up shot was born.

This was one of the first that I did, hiding behind my glasses (as has sometimes been my habit). These shots also spelled the beginning of other kinds of photo requests and I began to have fun with them. The number of photos on my profile ballooned and so did my confidence. Occasionally, I would a random message from a stranger saying "Why do you think you're the hottest thing on Fetlife? Cover up that disgusting flab!" but I was just as likely to get something along the lines of "You're looking very good these days" from friends. I didn't let my detractors discourage me, but continued on my journey. Sometimes, I would get down on myself, but I was determined to be down to 200 when the July, 2012 Crimson Moon party came around. Try as I might, I couldn't make it. I weighed 205 when I got to Chicago that summer.

I had begun to do nude shots because friends of mine would request them. Sometimes, I obliged and sometimes, I would say "no". It depended on how I was feeling. Just a few weeks before the CM party that summer, I did my first nude bottom up shot. It was difficult because my camera only has a ten second timer on it and it would take some time to get my hair the way I wanted it (preferably covering my breasts or arms, which I was self-conscious about) and also to tuck my gut out of the way. Over time, I got pretty good at them. My favorites are bottom up shots in which I'm only wearing panties or a thong.
Again, I had to make sure that the breasts and belly were safely tucked out of sight before I would post a photo. I've kind of plateaued as far as my weight loss goes, but I've managed to bring my BMI down to 31%. That sounds like a lot, but just before I started this weight loss, it was at 35%. So I've gained some muscle. As I gained muscle, I gained confidence. I did shots from the side, sometimes nude, sometimes in panties or a thong. These side shots became another favorite. A friend of mine refers to these kinds of shots as "prudie nudies". I don't really show anything beyond some skin.

I made sure that my hair covered my upper arms (a problem area for me) and I made sure that my breasts weren't showing. This blog about my weight has sort of morphed into the evolution of my photos. But I wanted to show that my confidence levels have a direct influence on my photos. With the big Atlantic City party coming up, I'm sure a lot of photos will get taken of me (mostly getting spanked). Of course, as always I will stress a bit about my gut showing in my photos, but I won't let that spoil the fun.

Yes, I'm fat. But I'm also pretty confident most of the time. If you're going to the party, too come over and say "Hi" to me. Don't let the fact that I'm not a size two stop you from talking to me and/or asking me to play. I fully intend to have a great time and I'm not going to let the people who won't play with me because of my size bother me. Yes, I'm fat.

1 comment:

bobcat said...

FAT is ONLY skin deep, but the heart, the mind--the REAL essence of yourself--are MUCH deeper and the more to be appreciated!