Thursday, August 12, 2010

About Doms And Masters

Today on Fetlife, someone started a thread concerning BBOTK (which is spanko shorthand for bare bottom over the knee). There's really nothing unusual about that. Those kinds of threads get started all the time. And there are a couple of reasons for them. A lot of these kinds of threads are started by doms or masters who are trying to find out who actually "likes" spanking and who just tolerates it because it's part of their service to their "sir" or whatever she feels the need to call the one in charge of her. Sometimes they're started by bottoms, who think they're the only one out there who likes it (despite the fact that Fetlife has a predominant number of members who list spanking as a fetish). The reason why this thread was started is really not as important as one of the responses. The lady said she wished her master could help her with this because it's something she really enjoys. That got me to thinking. Why would someone choose to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to or can't meet their needs? I understand that a lot of doms or masters (mainly those who are sadistic) routinely withhold the very thing their sub or slave wants in order to reinforce their control over them. You would probably see this in a relationship called TPE or total power exchange, where one partner has complete control over the other. In most of the D/s relationships I've seen, the dom is more than happy to give the sub what she wants and saves the nasty stuff for punishment. I have to say that if I were a sub, I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I got continually got the opposite of what I wanted. I'm not a masochist in that way. I do love pain but I don't like to never get what I want.
I know it seems like I hate on doms and masters a lot. I don't hate them as much as I just don't understand them. Nor would I really want to. Many doms can understand the needs of a pure spanko at a play party, but would never entertain the thought of a relationship with one. This is because if I were to enter into a relationship with a dom, his need for obediance and servitude would just never get met. Sure, I like to make sure my man is happy. And I would do everything in my power to make that happen. But not at the expense of my own needs. I would hate to have my own personality overshadowed. I know plenty of ladies (and guys for that matter) who can role play a scene like that; where it's all about what the dom (or domme) wants. But they could no more live that kind of life than I could. Another master posted to a thread about spanking wishes that his was to have two naked slaves chained together at the foot of his bed. Well, good luck with that. It's been my experience that most masters were guys who, in high school, sat at home on Saturday nights watching reruns and wishing they could get to first base with a girl. Years later, they read a book or see a website about BDSM, put on a black T-shirt, buy a flogger and spend endless days in the front of a mirror repeating "I'm a master" over and over. It seems like they have to convince themselves before they can convince someone else. Of course, I know this isn't true of all doms or masters. It just sure seems that way. Most simply can't deal with a woman who has her own mind and her own opinions (although they always say they admire these traits...just not in a sub apparently). At the recent CM party, we were having dinner in the public room when a dom came over to my friend, grabbed her hair and said "Someone wants to see you...NOW!" while she had her fork to her lips. Of course, she really had no choice but to go. I said to another one of our friends that that would the day I'd put up with that. I hate having my hair grabbed anyway and someone who did it while I was eating would probably find himself missing one of his balls. The friend said, somewhat derisively, that I was "only a bottom" and that my friend was a sub. I argued that even subs ought to be allowed to eat a meal in peace. I mean, seriously, we were at a party and she wasn't even in a relationship with this guy. I guess I just don't like blowhards, whether they are dom or top. I cut my hair short for just that reason; I got tired of guys pulling even after I asked them not to. But many doms (and most masters) have an "it's all about me" attitude. Of course, they will swear on a stack of Bibles that they love their slave (or pet or whatever they choose to call her) and seeing to her happiness is all important to them. But this is bull puckey. They care about getting their needs met, no matter how outrageous they are. That's great if the sub or slave needs to be treated this way. But what about an inexperienced one who doesn't yet know what she wants? What if she falls under the spell of one of these guys and then can't figure out how to get out of the deal once she figures out this isn't her cup of tea? Most of them read a book like "The Loving Dominant" and think this fairy tale is what life will be like. They are led down the primrose path that has no bearing in reality. I was led down the same path and I'm not even a sub. I was told that all the men I would meet would be gentlemen and that I would be safe with them. There were a number of times when this wasn't true and the guys turned out to be total doms (after assuring me they could be whatever I needed them to be). I did play with one dom at the CM party and I allowed him to flog me. He said "I know this isn't your cup of tea". But he did give me a nice cool down flogging. But it still didn't whet my appetite for floggers. I knew that I wasn't allowing him to give me the kind of flogging he wanted to give me, but there was nothing else I could do. I'm determined to be true to myself. This guy has known me long enough to know that I will never be a sub. You simply cannot turn a person into a sub if the raw material isn't there. With me, it definitely isn't. Most of the people I play with are cool with me just being a bottom who loves to get spanked. A few have said they would like playing with me more if I were a sub, but they understand that this is never going to happen. So I go on in the scene, trying my best to make heads and tails out of the different personalities I encounter. I think I will never fully understand the D/s or M/s dynamic. I have a certain respect for people living their lives the way they want (within SSC) but that doesn't mean I have to do it that way.


AboutSpankings said...

The story about the hair pull while eating... not cool. In the circles we're in, that simply wouldn't fly. In public, no established relationship... wow. People need to speak up and be firm about what they want though, and what they don't want and wont tolerate. That can be really hard for a bottom (submissive, etc) to do. It goes against what they're looking for.

Those that have been in the scene for a little while seem to grasp the need to speak up though. Seems the tops/doms you're largely talking about have great 'fresh meat' radar and find newbies entering the scene... and they take advantage. THIS is how it works sells well with many newbies. Have seen it many times. We have spoke about this before, and guess that about 75% of women had a bad experience when they first entered the scene.

Our advice to newbies is basic... GO SLOW. Take your time and don't rush into anything. If that doesn't work... well, lol... you can always stick a fork in someone's hand.

~Todd & Suzy

Cheryl said...

Dear Todd and Suzy,

This post came about because, even though I have "bottom" as my scene orientation on my Fetlife profile, I seem to get a lot of messages from doms that call me "pet" or "little one" or otherwise ignore the fact that I'm not a sub. Ditto for comments on my photos. It's just something that chafes me, that's all. You guys sound so cool...I wish you could come to a Crimson Moon party sometime.