I've Decided...

I have made the decision to attend the Chicago Crimson Moon party at the end of this month. I just feel that Cigi would want me to go and be among my friends. I gave it a lot of thought. In fact, earlier this week I was considering leaving the scene. I was sure that there was no way I would have fun at a party without her so what was the point? However, some very good friends convinced me to think twice about leaving the scene. Grief serves its purpose, they reminded me, but it can't go on indefinitely. So I made the decision to go ahead with my plans to attend. A good friend of mine is going to drive down the day before and spend the night with me. This serves a twofold purpose: first, since she lives in Wisconsin, she'll be nice and rested for the drive to Chicago and second, she will get to see my lovely home (LOL...it's far from lovely but I do what I can). I was overwhelmed when this friend made the offer. I had been trying to get a ride for some time, with no luck and had actually made up my mind that it wouldn't be a big deal if I missed the party. I was under the illusion that I probably wouldn't have a good time if I went. Now this wonderful friend made a very generous offer and so I felt there was no way I could refuse her. Of course, I'm going to make sure that her gas is paid for. I'm going to do whatever I can to make it up to her. This lady has been one of my roommates at parties for about three years now and I've gotten pretty close to her, despite the distance between us. I've made great friends in the scene, I know this now. But grief had sort of blinded me to it. Grief tends to make a person focus on the negatives and not the positives in their life. I have so many positives. Yes, Cigi was taken from me. Yes, I miss her (and probably always will). But it has been my wonderful friends who have convinced me that there is still fun to be had and I need not feel guilty about enjoying myself. Maybe guilt, more so than grief, has been what has been keeping me from enjoying life since Cigi passed away. I feel like I'm being disloyal or that she will think I've forgotten her if I go and enjoy myself occasionally. But it doesn't have to be that way.

So I've made the decision to stay in the scene, to attend parties when I can and see if there isn't something good out there. I'm not too sure what my head space will be like at this party. I'm pretty sure I'll probably cry a few times. But as long as I have my friends with me, I'll be OK. Besides, I know that Cigi will be with me in spirit. I'll probably hear a few "I remember the time Cigi..." stories, too. And that's OK. The memories we have of her part of what she left behind for us. She was such a big part of Crimson Moon and the parties. I will feel a bit sad for those who will be attending their first CM party who never got to meet her. The only thing I can do is make sure they know her through me.

So wish me luck :) This first party without Cigi scares me, but I know I have to go and I know she would want me to.