"You've Been A Bad Girl!" or Perceptions On Punishment

One of my all-time favorite bloggers opened a thread on her Fetlife group asking about "just because" spankings. Her post was very thought provoking, at least for me. My response to her questions were pretty brief and to the point, even though there was more I wanted to say on the subject. Unfortunately, I've learned that my opinions aren't really welcomed on Fetlife so I confine them to the pages of this blog. Her question involved not only "just because" spankings (which I happen to love) but also asked, for people that are living with a spanker or D-type, how they felt about the fact that they usually keep tabs on behavior in order to discipline at a later time. First of all, the thought of someone taking note of things I do in order to call me to account for it later doesn't sit very well with me. I understand that there are those who like and need that kind of structure in their lives. I can even understand someone enjoying it as a fetish. But...not everyone is on the same page when it comes to such behaviors. I probably should have covered this in my previous post because a lot of people come into the spanking scene thinking that punishment spankings and discipline spankings and maintenance spankings are what "everyone" does. I believed that, once upon a time. You see, when I first joined the spanking scene, my first order of business (besides going out and pantie shopping) was getting in touch with other female bottoms to get some idea of "how it's done", not realizing that there IS no one way to do it. My first mistake was thinking that these ladies were merely bottoms like I was. It wasn't until later, after I had observed their behavior at parties, that I realized that most of them were submissives and that I had been led down a road I had no real desire to go down. One of those ladies advised me to get a disciplinarian because "it can't be fun all the time". She even suggested a man for the job; a friend of hers who was into punishment that the tagline surrounding him was "whatever Mr. Miller wants, Mr. Miller gets". Well, I have to admit that I liked this guy. I'd played with him at a few parties and I enjoyed his company so what could it hurt? My sister and I both were trying to quit smoking and every other way had failed. Maybe this way would work? So we entered into an agreement with this guy. He didn't insist that we not smoke at all right off the bat. The arrangement was that we had to tell him how much we were smoking. If we decreased from the previous "report" we got good girl spankings. If we increased, we got punishment spankings. His punishments were severe I'll add right here. He had a very menacing razor strap and he used that for punishment along with a thick rubber strap that his girlfriend had christened "Mother F*&#%r". And it was! You had to bend over a chair and he would give you 75 full arm swings with the razor strap with no warm up. He always gave me the option to safe out anytime I felt it was too much for me. My sister got the same consideration. Now, I know some people who read this are going to get their panties in a bunch because they don't believe that safe words are appropriate during a punishment spanking. However, I will not get spanked under any circumstances without one so that's that. And he didn't like working without safe words either. Turns out, I never did safe out. And believe me, the punishments were hard, even for a masochist like me.

This photo was taken following a typical punishment. Before he took the photo, he had to wipe all the blood off. I realize he could have just taken the picture with the blood, but that wasn't something either of us was into. 

As we went along in our relationship, a funny thing began to happen. Not only was this guy our disciplinarian, but he was a play partner as well and Carol and I always looked forward to getting together with him. But, as time went on, I began to feel a bit of animosity towards him. I realized that my attitude wasn't right. I wasn't making any real effort to quit smoking. The punishments, as unpleasant as they sometimes were, weren't proving any kind of deterrent to my smoking. I really liked playing with this guy though. So one day, the three of us sat down and talked about what we wanted to accomplish, something we should have done before all of this started. He finally decided to break our agreement because, as he said, we would both quit smoking when we were ready to. He said we hadn't really taken the agreement seriously and he was right. I only entered into the agreement because someone else told me that was how it was done. It was the first really valuable lesson I learned in my journey. So now I  tell newbies to just do what feels right and don't listen to what anyone else says. Take advice when you need to, of course, but don't let anyone tell you "it can't be fun all the time" if that's not how you feel about it. Don't let anyone tell you that you do it wrong because they don't do it the way you do it. Don't bow down to peer pressure.

Now, this entry isn't to demonize folks who do punishment spankings as part of their dynamic. Far from it, actually. I think everyone has to do things the way that makes them happiest and fulfills them. But...there seems to be a prevailing attitude in the scene that punishment spankings are automatically part of the scene. I get messages from men all the time, both newbie and experienced, who ask me what I do for punishment. When I tell them I don't do punishments, they are shocked, as if the thought never occurred to them that there are bottoms out there who just play for fun. I always ask them "What's so unusual about that? Did you expect everyone to be the same?" I think the problem is that so many people, both tops and bottoms, come into the scene having done nothing but watch spanking videos and read spanking erotica. So the assumption is that, if this is what's being shown and written about, it must be the norm. Now don't get me wrong here. Video producers have to do what sells and that means that normally, there needs to be some kind of build up to the spanking. You can't just turn on the lights, get the players into position and then turn on the camera. A misbehavior/punishment scenario is one most of us can relate to. You see, when a person first decides to get active in the spanking scene, the only thing they have to draw on is their past experiences. And for most of us, that was punishments we received as children, coupled with seeing spankings on TV and in the movies. And those always involve a punishment scenario of some kind. From there, it's just a Pavlovian response. So when many people decide to start spanking or getting spanked themselves, this is what they know. So they assume it's the way things are. Assumptions aren't capital offenses and we shouldn't treat a person who's ignorance of the scene causes him or her to make those assumptions like pariahs. We should educate them so that they know not to continue to make those assumptions.

So...how do we do that without making it look like we're being judgmental jerks? Well, as with most things kink related, good communication is paramount. I just tell the men (and some women) who want to spank me that punishment spankings aren't my cup of tea. I say it without the recoil that you sometimes see when someone mentions a kink you're not into ("Ewwwww!!" "creepy!" "You're a sicko!"). Of course, I've been told by more than one D-type that I'm just in denial about my "need" for discipline. When that happens, then I feel I'm no longer obligated to be nice because now they're making a back door attempt to push their kink on me. And that's an assumption,too--that the female bottoms in the scene are so pliable that we can be bent in any direction those D-types want us to go. Not true. The "you're in denial" accusation is peer pressure bordering on bullying and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a bully. Peer pressure, just like it was in high school, is alive and well in the spanking scene. "Everyone does it this way" is an attitude that I allowed to dictate to me what I should and shouldn't do. That didn't last long, believe me. I have always had my own thoughts and opinions about things. In fact, my mother often told me I was too clever for my own good because I was always thinking as a child and that didn't change once I reached adulthood. People who can think for themselves are somewhat rare in this world, never mind the spanking scene. 

Some people view me as a breath of fresh air, some view me as a bore. And some, believe it or not, are hostile to me. Ah well, I can't change any one's mind. I'll just continue to be myself. Some will love that, some won't. But just know that just because you're a spanko and in the scene doesn't mean you do it wrong if you're not into punishments. It doesn't make you vanilla, as some have accused me of. It just means that you do things a bit differently. And that's OK.

Myth vs. Reality

Author's Note: Today's entry involves me trying to sort the differences between myths that exist in the spanking scene vs. the truth. This is my truth only. I make no claims to speak for anyone else. If you're looking for your own reality, you'll have to do that yourself. Although I'll try to be sensitive, some of the language could get a bit, shall we say, salty.

Let's be honest. There are a lot of myths in the spanking world. These are views perpetuated not only by the preponderance of spanking porn and erotic literature (thanks, 50 Shades), but also by people's own notions based on consuming these products. Unfortunately, the myths are self-perpetuating. Whenever someone makes an attempt to explode these myths, people get on the defensive. So I thought, speaking only for myself, I would try to dispel some of these myths. In my opinion, they're harmful to the scene as a whole and to people as individuals. So, here we go. Better have your earplugs handy. This could get loud.

Myth # 1

Spanking is sex.

I have no idea how this one got started or why it still exists. I guess some people don't know the difference between being smacked on the ass and having one of your holes screwed. OK, I admit that spanking has a sexual component. It feels good and you take your pants off to do it, for crying out loud. And for a lot of us, spanking IS part of our sexuality. But it is NOT sex. Sex means someone's dick is in me. Unless I'm being penetrated, it's not sex. Someone else might have a different opinion, but it's just that--an opinion. Many people also can't separate the two and can't even think of doing one without the other. All well and good for you, mate but don't pretend to speak for all of us, OK? I can do spanking just fine without sex. In fact, I prefer to keep the two separate. So let's review: getting smacked on the ass, no matter how hot and bothered it makes you, isn't sex. It can certainly lead to it, but it's not sex. I know people who use spanking as foreplay, but in my mind, they aren't what I would call "hardwired" spankos. They're definitely kinky, but not a spanko by my definition.

Myth # 2

Spanking is effective for changing behavior in adults.

This one annoys me like almost nothing else. Fetlife and other kink sites are filled with discussions about how all you really need is a tough, no-nonsense dom-type to administer tough, no-nonsense spankings and you can quit smoking, lose weight, get out of debt and any of the other myriad human conditions spanking is supposed to "cure". Spanking is effective with children because their brains are still forming and they haven't had enough life experience to know not to do stupid things. In adults, the brain is fully formed and the personality fully realized. And we've had enough life experience to know that doing stupid things brings natural consequences. The notion that you can spank an addiction (such as cigarettes or food) out of someone is ludicrous on its face. An addicted person will do whatever they have to do to get that fix. The threat of a spanking is a small price to pay. A person who's addicted must WANT to quit. And in that area, it's possible that spankings for rewards might work as a motivator for someone to whom spanking is pleasurable. I see one bottom person after another posting about how their dom-type is helping them with their laziness and procrastination. I guess I can see that working, again using reward spankings as a motivator. But using punishment spankings on an adult in order to get them to do things differently? Not effective in the long term in my opinion.

Myth # 3

M/F spanking reinforces traditional gender roles that are unhealthy in a modern society.

OK, I'll play along with this one. I'm a straight female and I love getting spanked by men. I admit it...gleefully. If you listen to new wave feminists, whose radical sisters once proclaimed that ALL sex was rape, getting spanked by a man simply perpetuates the patriarchal society that so many people worked so hard to topple. After all, it wasn't that long ago when there were laws on the books that made it permissible for a husband to discipline his wife the same way he did his children (at the same time, he also had the right to demand sexual favors from her and that's creepy). Men ran everything and women had no rights. They couldn't vote, couldn't own property and couldn't make their voices heard in public forums on anything but domestic issues. They were second class citizens. And that needed to change. However, getting spanked consensually because you enjoy it does NOT mean that the person getting spanked wants it lorded over her outside the bedroom. Besides, there must be some reason why women want this kind of arrangement--where the man makes the rules and they both agree that she should get suitably punished when she breaks one of those rules. We've come a long way...even if that means we choose to live a D/s or Head of House or Taken In Hand relationship. These things aren't my cup of tea, but for others, they need it so who is it hurting?


Myth # 4


Spanking purges guilt.


Well, this one is in the eye of the beholder, isn't it? I have no idea how many people actually use spanking this way, but the number must be pretty large. So many bottoms and subs say that spanking clears the air that there must be something to it, right? I will agree that there's something quite wonderful about knowing that the slate has been wiped clean. If the spanking is given by someone they feel close to and trust and who they respect, then it's true that spanking can offer some release for negative emotions. But purging guilt? It's a very old concept that the sins of the flesh can be purged by flagellation. The Catholics were huge fans of that particular way of thinking. I suppose if a person does something wrong and gets spanked for it and that spanking makes them feel better, then I guess I have to grudgingly say that, yes, spanking can purge guilt. But for myself, it doesn't. I'm speaking only for myself here.


Myth # 5


All spankos were abused in some way as children.


This myth is perpetuated by films like "Secretary" and other erotica that vanillas watch and read. No sane, emotionally healthy and socially well adjusted person would ever allow another person to hit them, they reason. I once had a boyfriend who, when I asked him to spank me, offered to pay for my therapy. This myth is a very old one. In England, it's believed by many that all of the caning that went on in public (private) schools back in the old days made all the men sadomasochists. They believe that somehow, all of those spankings we received as children became eroticized in our brains as adults as a coping mechanism to deal with all the abuse we suffered. This is poppycock.I would guess someone has seen "A Dangerous Method" too many times. I know many, many spankos (particularly among the younger set) who were never spanked as children. That's not to say that they were raised in loving, functional families, but they never had the specter of physical punishment hanging over them. Anyway, loving discipline is a far cry from abuse, but that's an argument for another day.

Myth # 6

Spanko women are more inclined to want casual sex than vanilla women.

This is total hooey, probably promulgated by vanilla men who hope and pray this is true. It's been my experience that spanko women (and kinky women in general) are just as much inclined to want a loving, monogamous relationship as their vanilla sisters. It's true that some kinky women are down for hook ups with casual partners, but then so are vanilla women. This is probably one of the more harmful myths that exist today and it needs to be demolished with all speed. I know of vanilla guys who join kink sites because they subscribe to this myth...kinky girls are easy and will do it with anyone. Complete baloney.

Myth # 7

Fetlife is a sex/porn/hook up site.

If I had a dime for every guy who has told me "You're on a sex site, sweetheart" when I take them to task for leaving sexual comments on my photos, I'd be a millionaire. And I'm probably not far from wrong. I suppose Fetlife, because it's a social media site, can be used a lot of different ways, one of which is as a substitute for having to pay for a porn site or having to join an internet dating service. Fetlife is free to use and that makes it attractive to people who want things without having to pay for them. And since it's a free country, they're free to think what they wish. That doesn't mean I have to buy into it. I use Fetlife for keeping up with friends and for networking before events and to a lesser extent, for getting involved in discussions with like-minded people. I'm NOT on Fetlife to be living wank material for horny guys and I would suspect neither are most women.

Myth # 8

All the women who attend spanking parties should look like spanking models.

This one is a particular favorite of mine. Many, many spankos get their first exposure to adult spanking via videos. I'm no exception to that. My first exposure to spanking videos came through Shadow Lane and their Romance of Spanking philosophy. Indeed, all of their models conformed to society's notion of beauty (thin, pretty and decked out in heels and garters). It pretty much told me that women my age and weight could not get spanked in a "romantic" context. That's only for the knock outs and cuties. Then, I attended my first spanking party and that myth was definitely exploded. The only women at spanking parties who actually look like spanking models are...well...spanking models. The rest of us look like your normal everyday women. If you're a guy and you attend a spanking party thinking that all the women are going to look like the chicks you see in the videos, you are going to be sadly disappointed. Video producers are going to use what sells and beautiful women sell videos. But they aren't realistic, at least not in the sense that it's realistic to use spanking starlets as your yardstick for how every woman you spank should look. It's OK to have preferences, just keep them realistic if you ever expect to enjoy the party scene.

Myth # 9

Everyone who gets spanked is submissive and everyone who spanks is dominant.

Well, I've come across this one enough times to be fairly certain that it's pervasive. The problem is that the lines between BDSM and spanking have become majorly blurred. Many spankos dabble in or practice BDSM to one extent or another and many BDSM practitioners have a spanking fetish. The problem is that not everyone spanks or gets spanked to meet the same need. Yes, many spankos, both male and female, are submissive. And yes, many spankos, both male and female, are dominant. However, many of us (myself included) get spanked just because we enjoy the sensations it brings. Others simply want to temporarily cede control to someone else. Others like testing their limits, etc. There are lots of people out there calling themselves submissives who really don't know what it means because they think bottom and submissive is the same thing.  Same for tops calling themselves doms. It's a question of not knowing the lingo. It's pretty easily sorted, but still annoying because I encounter it so much. No, not everyone who gets spanked is submissive and not everyone who spanks is dominant.

Myth # 10

Nudity adds to a spankee's humiliation.

Another one that's in the eye of the beholder. If being naked embarrasses you, then yes I would have to say that nudity certainly adds to the humiliation of the scene. But if you're like me, an exhibitionist who enjoys being spanked, then no, it won't. It does heighten the feeling of vulnerability, but that's not the same as humiliation. There are dozens (probably more) of websites that specialize in what's known as CMNF (clothed male/naked female) or CFNM (clothed female/naked male) fetishes. The one who gets to keep their clothes on has the upper hand. In fact, the less clothing the person getting spanked is wearing, the less they feel in control. In other words, the person's sense of control is directly in proportion to how much clothing they're wearing. I see it debated in spanking groups all the time--the spankee should always be naked because it gets them into a submissive head space blah, blah, blah. If that's true for you, then go with that. But it's not true for all of us.

Myth # 11

Spanking should always be about punishment.

I should have put this one first because it never fails to infuriate me. It happens on Fetlife a lot. A top (ahem, sorry Dom) will come into a spanking group and ask about what the worst punishment you can give or how do you punish your submissive, etc. and if someone like me dares to say that spanking is fun for me and I don't do it as a punishment, then the poster invariably will jump on me and tell me to stay out of the conversation if that's my opinion. It's like they don't even want to hear someone else's thoughts on the matter or even to acknowledge the existence of people who spank for gasp fun. To them, spanking should always be about learning a lesson and being better behaved in the future. There's no room in their world for scenes that involve laughter, joking and enjoyment...unless it's the person doing the spanking enjoying it. When I tell these clueless wonders that consensual spanking means that both parties are supposed to enjoy it, they tell me to be quiet about things I don't know about, etc. All I can then do is pity their play partners.

Myth # 12

Men who get spanked by other men are gay or bisexual.

This can go back to Myth # 1 I suppose. I have long disliked the double standard that exists in the spanking world that says it's OK for women to get spanked by other women but not for men to get spanked by other men. I guess F/F scenes are acceptable because most men (if they're honest) like seeing two women together. I have a problem with party organizers banning M/M from their parties while promoting F/F scenes. I don't even think it's a result of homophobia. I just think it's a taboo that no one really wants to cross. To me, as long as it's spanking only (even if balls are touching thighs) it's straight. Now, if one guy is going to do another guy in the ass when the spanking is over, then yes it ceases to be straight, obviously. But I've known even gay and bisexual men who are perfectly willing and able to give a straight guy a spanking and enjoy it immensely without any sexual overtones whatsoever. A few of the women who have spanked me are bisexual or bi-curious and I have no problem with that as long as they respect that I'm straight and don't try anything with me. I think men who are comfortable getting spanked by other men should be able to say so openly without fear of having their masculinity questioned. They should also be free to play just as publicly at parties as women do.

Myth # 13

You can't enjoy getting hit anywhere but the bottom and still call yourself a spanko.

There's a lot of gray area in this one. Some say yes, some say no. Even though I love getting the fronts of my thighs caned, I still consider myself a spanko. Getting my thighs caned isn't something I have to have every time I play. Let's face it, not everyone is comfortable doing that. And it's not like I call getting the fronts of my thighs caned "spanking". I'm fairly certain that "body work" as it's  called isn't spanking. But just because I do other things besides spanking doesn't mean I'm not a hardwired spanko. I would say that enjoying that kind of play is just a manifestation of my masochism. And anyway, who doesn't like to try new things every once in a while?

Myth # 14

All older women in the spanking scene are just cougars looking for young guys.

I guess, the young guys chase the older women the same way the older guys chase the PYTs. I get messages from guys as young as 19 on Fetlife (which I read with strains of "Stacy's Mom" playing in my head). I have to wonder what a guy that young sees in a woman who's older than his mom? I'm not trying to perpetuate ageism here, but I really am curious. If I were a domme, I could maybe see the reasoning. But I'm a bottom and most of the young men who message me are either tops or switches exploring their top side. As flattering as it is, I have no desire to hit the sheets with a guy who can't get served in a bar (not that I  go to bars). Of course, I don't speak for everyone. There probably are older women on Fetlife who are looking for what we used to call a "boy toy". But it's not the rule.

Myth # 15

Every woman who gets spanked is looking for a daddy.

I can kind of see how this one got started. There are a lot of women in the spanking scene who are looking for security and boundaries because they never really had them growing up. But not every woman in the spanking scene has daddy issues. I had a perfectly good dad growing up and, while I miss him, I'm not looking to relive that experience. However, a lot of women in the spanking scene didn't have a good childhood and they might be looking to get some of that back. But it's a sweeping generalization to say that women in the spanking scene are just looking to be little girls again. There are age players and littles in the spanking scene, but that's another fetish entirely.

Myth # 16

Everyone who gets spanked is a masochist.

No, they're not. Some spankos, like yours truly, are masochists who enjoy the pain that spanking provides. But many, many spankos aren't into pain. They will accept it as a form of correction (if they have that dynamic) or they enjoy the power exchange that sometimes goes along with spanking. They might only endure the pain because they love the endorphins or because they love the rosy red glow of their bottom afterwards. The truth is that people engage in spanking play for a number of different reasons, the pain might be the least of it for some of them.

Myth # 17

If spanking turns you on, you're not a "true" spanko.

This is the opposite end of the spectrum from the "spanking is sex" crowd. These are people who believe that you can only be a true, hardwired  spanko if spanking doesn't arouse you. If it does, then you're just horny and using it as an excuse. The truth is, that a lot of people, both tops and bottoms, are turned on by spanking. But just because someone is aroused doesn't mean that anything else has to happen. I often get really turned on when being spanked, but I seldom do anything sexual with my play partners. The human sexual response in both males and females is involuntary (meaning people have no control over it) so it shouldn't even be an issue. Also, learn a little about anatomy. The bottom shares nerve bundles that echo right into the genitals so it should come as no surprise that spanking feels really, really good to most spankos. To say that, if it turns you on, then you're not real is disingenuous.

Myth # 18

Hard play causes nerve damage.

This is actually partly true. Hard play, continued over the course of many years, can cause nerve damage. The condition is known in the spanking scene as "leather butt". The skin on the bottom becomes tough and leathery, hence the name, and there can also be a decided loss of sensation. But I've been playing hard for about twelve years and it hasn't happened to me. My skin does get a bit leathery if I'm playing a lot, but I haven't experienced any kind of loss of feeling. Of course, individuals vary and your experience could very well be different. But I've heard this myth spouted by lighter players as a way to frighten or discourage newbies from playing hard. It's well known that the more a person plays, the more they can usually take. But this is just the body getting acclimated to a new activity; the same way we get used to exercise or lifting weights or jogging. It doesn't necessarily mean that you've done any kind of permanent damage to yourself.

Myth # 19

Your limits and safewords will always be respected at parties.

Unfortunately, I have firsthand experience with this one. At parties, we like to think that the dangerous types have been "weeded out" by the vetting process. Fortunately, this is mostly true. When I registered to attend my first party, I was called by one of the board members of the group and given a brief interview (despite the fact that my sister had just attended one of their parties). Some groups now require new attendees to be "sponsored" by a known member before they can attend. No matter how careful group leaders are, a predator will sometimes slip through the cracks in the system. I have had my safeword ignored and also have had men take sexual liberties with me. I handled those incidents myself without involving a board member. But I put the word out to others what had happened to me so that they could make informed decisions about whether or not to play with those people. It's a sad fact that no one is ever 100% safe, even at a big national party. But statistically you're safer at a big hotel party, where there are likely to be people close by all the time, than meeting a stranger on your own.

Myth # 20

It's possible to "convert" vanilla people into spankos.

We've all heard someone in the scene who brags about how they managed to convert a "totally vanilla" partner into a spanko. Would this were true because the world needs more spankos. However, I don't think it's possible, no matter how much seduction and technique you use, to convert a completely vanilla person into a spanko. Yes, you might be able to get that other person to tolerate or even enjoy the occasional spanking. But you will not turn them into an actual hardwired spanko. If that happens, then I'm sorry to tell you they weren't that vanilla to start with. Most of us who are hardwired discovered our spanking interest at a young age (I was about nine or ten) and spend years wondering what's wrong with us before we finally just accept ourselves as we are. Do not think that just because your partner likes a couple of smacks on the ass during sex that you've created a spanko. It's a lot more complicated than that, I'm afraid.

Myth # 21

Spanking is becoming more mainstream.

This is another one I wish were true, Yes, BDSM and spanking activities have been featured on shows like "Law And Order", "NCIS" and the various "CSI" franchises. It's also been explored in films like "Secretary" and the eagerly awaited and overly hyped "50 Shades Of Grey" film. However, that is hardly mainstream. The television shows that have featured spanking (including the ones I mention in my previous entry) and BDSM use it to show that something was "not quite right" about someone who may have been involved in those activities. Or they are used for comic reasons. I will accept that spanking has gone mainstream when a member of the spanking community makes a film in which people are seen enjoying adult spanking play in a healthy way (i.e. not as part of an unhealthy relationship or because of psychological trauma). So far, I haven't seen it. People celebrate "Secretary" like it's the greatest thing that ever happened to the spanking community because it shows two people exploring their kinky side. Please. She's a woman who just got out of the loony bin, who self harms, and who still lives at home with drunk and abusive parents. He's a perfectionist poseur who all the women who saw the film loved as a "truly dominant" man. Yeah, right. He doesn't even have the heart to kill the mice that he find in his office, choosing instead to use no-kill traps. Plus, there's that part where he hides in the closet when his ex-wife comes to the office to see him. 

Myth # 22

The spanking scene is more tolerant and accepting of people and their differences than the vanilla world.

This isn't a myth--it's a joke. There's just as much judgment and intolerance among the citizens of the spanking world as there is out there in Vanillaland. There might even be more. If you don't believe me, try this experiment. Go to the Fetlife profile of a random person and find a photograph of something that offends you. Then, leave a comment that says something like "This isn't my thing, but hey, if you get off on this, more power to you" and then sit back and watch the shit hit the fan. Or post a journal entry describing the time you were turned down for play at a spanking party because the guy you asked wanted to play with a cuter, younger, thinner girl than you. Then watch the wagons get circled. Like it or not, the spanking scene is exactly like being in middle school. You'll see examples of people being unfriended because they are friends with someone the other person doesn't like. You'll hear gossip and rumor reported as fact. People who like something a bit different than normal M/F spanking will feel the chill of all those cold shoulders brushing past them. There's more conformity and fear of being discovered to be "different" in the spanking scene than there is among kids in your average high school.

Myth # 23

Your attitude determines the amount of play you get at parties, not your appearance.

There was a time when this was true. When I first got active in the spanking scene, my twin sister and I were two of the youngest women in the group and we were 42 at the time. We weren't hideous or anything, but we weren't young or thin. That mentality changed after a few years. I don't know if the male tops became pickier or what, but I began to get turned down for play, something that never happened before. It used to be that people would tell newbies "just be approachable and friendly and you'll be fine". Even after twelve years, I'm as friendly and approachable as I've ever been. But the "no thank you"s are piling up. All the men want the fantasy girls they see in porn and spanking videos. Anyway, I've harped on this subject enough on this blog. Believe me or don't believe me. I've seen it firsthand. And nowadays, I think the men are starting to lean towards women who look like strippers rather than the wholesome girls that used to be in spanking videos. Anyway, here's something to try if you don't believe me. If you're an older, heavier and not as pretty spankee, go to a spanking party and ask an attractive, younger male top to play. You might get a "yes" if the guy knows you, but if you're a stranger, he'll more than likely pass. I see this happening more and more and it's disturbing.

Myth # 24

Everyone in the spanking scene is into roleplaying and costumes.

Uh...no, they're not. It's true that a lot of spankos, both top and bottom, like a good roleplay scenario. Some scenarios, like schoolgirl/teacher, secretary/boss, husband/wife or cheerleader/principal, are tried and true and not very imaginative. Many tops enjoy roleplay because it lets them give what appears to be a punishment in a very non-threatening way. And a lot of bottoms like roleplay because it's fun and a chance to act a bit bratty. I myself am not a fan of roleplaying. I've done it plenty of times, but it's not really my thing. And I don't even do costumes on Halloween. Many, many spankos can enjoy themselves without costumes and roleplay.


Anyway, you get the idea. There are a lot of myths I chose not to cover because I don't want this entry to run on and on. Just remember this: if someone starts a sentence with "all" or "every", it's probably a blanket generalization and therefor, a myth. 

Mainstream M/M

A few years ago, I posted a couple of entries in which I expounded on the reasons I'm a spanko. A  couple of those entries involved describing some of the school paddlings I both received and witnessed. Accompanying those entries were some stills from mainstream films in which paddlings were presented. I got taken seriously to task by several of my readers for daring to include the scenes because they were gasp M/M scenes. How dare I sully the good pages of Positively Spanking with such gross and disgusting scenes. I was "supposed" to be a straight female. How could I enjoy such scenes? Well, I guess I'll use those old entries to prove the point I'm about to make.

As far as film is concerned, M/M spanking has a long history. The 1921 Buster Keaton comedy "The Boat" opens with a scene of Buster giving his son (played by his real life some incidentally) a spanking for swinging on the bow line of the ship he's just built causing the craft to rock. Many films through the ages, such as James Cagney's "Public Enemy" and Walter Huston's "Of Human Hearts" featured the male protagonist being spanked by his father as a youngster. Classic novels like "Tom Sawyer", "Barry Lyndon" and "David Copperfield" featured M/M spanking scenes and when the films were made of these novels, the directors had no qualms about including the spanking scenes. More recently, films like "Dead Poets Society", "Flirting", "The Basketball Diaries", "Dazed And Confused" and "Class Of 1999" have given us M/M spanking scenes (though in a school environment). All of these films were commercial and critical successes to one degree or another. I'm not suggesting that they were successful because they contained a scene in which a male spanked another male. I'm saying that the public at large didn't seem to be put off enough to stay away from such films. Even more recently than these examples, we've seen M/M spanking scenes on television on shows like "Titus" and "The Office". As quirky as these shows were, they were still mainstream.

At the time I did my entries, soul searching my reasons for my love of spanking, I devoted almost one entire entry to the British film "If....", a film in which a young Malcolm McDowell gets a merciless caning from his head of house at the boarding school he attends. The scene is very hard for me to watch for a couple of reasons. First, McDowell's character, Mick Travis, is very, very likable and seeing him caned sadistically is no fun. The fact that the rest of the school is assembled in such a way that they get to hear it is humiliating. And then there's the fact that a few of the students obviously think the caning is deserved, which makes it even more humiliating. Just as in "The Basketball Diaries", we're treated to a scene at the end of the film in which Travis and his caned cohorts shoot up the school. This may have been used by the respective filmmakers to show that school discipline turns ordinary young men into crazed killers, but the fact that the scenes were included, says something else, too. People apparently took it for granted that young men in school were still spanked when they got out of line. Just as I did in those older entries, I'll include scenes from those movies here.

Before I load the screen shots, just let me apologize for the poor quality of most of these photos. They reflect the poor quality of the downloads. I will also say that I have seen most of the movies or shows these shots are from. But there are a few I haven't seen and I only know the spanking. I will only give information I know to be true. So, here we go:

First up, we have a scene that most movie fans, let alone fans of M/M, know well due to the fact that it's been parodied a number of times. It's the freshman hazing scene from the coming of age film set in 1976 Texas, "Dazed And Confused". That's Ben Affleck, as senior O'Bannion, taking his turn with freshman Mitch Kramer (well played by Wiley Wiggins). The group jump the kid after a baseball game, in which Kramer was the winning pitcher. How's that for a thank you? We get the scene in slow motion and set to Alice Cooper's "No More Mr. Nice Guy". How fitting. By the way, the female freshmen aren't paddled in this film, but they are subjected to humiliating exercises called "air raids", which the senior girls inflict with just as much sadistic pleasure as their male counterparts.

Next, another coming of age tale (beginning to notice a pattern here?) from 1985, set in the mid-60s in fictional St. Basil's High School. The boys of St. Basil's are subjected to numerous indignities by the brothers in this film, but nothing comes close to the ending scene where five boys are rounded up and given the strap for removing the head from a statue of the saint. The boy in the photo should look familiar to fans of "Grey's Anatomy". That's Dr. McDreamy (also known as actor Patrick Dempsey) getting the strap. 

Next up, William Makepece Thackery's classic novel about an Irish rogue who finds himself married to an English countess comes to the screen, thanks to director Stanley Kubrick. "Barry Lyndon" was sumptuous film released in 1975. I saw it for the first time in 1978 and have loved it ever since. Ryan O'Neal plays the Irish upstart Redmond Barry, seen here correcting his stepson, Lord Bullingdon, for perhaps the two hundredth time. Yeah, that had to hurt.

From the past to the future in one fell swoop. The next film we'll look at is the 1984 cult classic "Class of 1999". In the future, warring street gangs terrorize inner city schools. One enterprising school principal hires robots to keep the little darlings in line, including Mr. Hardin, a former military robot. When a fight between two rival gang members breaks out on his first day in class, Mr. Hardin knows just how to handle it. He grabs the boys, puts them across his knee in turn and spanks them...hard. Mr. Hardin don't play.

Next, a television show that has garnered it share of praise and criticism while it aired, "The Office". In this episode, Steve Carrell as Michael Scott spanks his nephew, Luke (played by "American Horror Story"'s Even Peters...he got spanked on that show, too...hmmmm), who's come to work at his uncle's company. The spanking is actually well done (for television).

Now, I admit to not having seen the show the next photo comes from. It's a British show called "How Not To Live Your Life" and the episode is entitled "How Not To Deal With Teenagers". The show's hero, Don, is in a pub having a conversation about music with a couple of teenaged boys, one of whom apparently doesn't speak English. They ridicule Don because he's not "felch" enough. Don plays out four different scenarios of what he would like to do to these boys, one of which includes a bare bottom spanking. Yeah, gotta love those English. I wonder if this is "felch" enough? lol

Oh, I sense another coming of age period piece coming up. "Dead Poets Society" is a sensitive film set in a boy's school in the 1950's. Robin Williams gives a stand out performance as a teacher who employs unorthodox teaching methods and encourages his students to "seize the day". One of the students takes things a step too far when he claims to have gotten a phone call from God. The principal isn't pleased and has the young man conveyed to his office for a meeting with the Board Of Education. Oh, we get the sleeve roll too? Cool!

Next, a classic. And I'm incredibly sorry that I don't have a photo of better quality, but this was the best that I could find. This is a famous episode of "Wagon Train". John McEntyre is spanking actor Michael Burns (as Barney, one of his workers). The episode is famous because the young lady in the scene, Deborah Walley, also got a spanking. In fact, when she died, her obituary mentioned the spanking. It's a bit of a mystery to me how her spanking got to be so famous when it's barely shown. Michael Burns, on the other hand, was probably the most spanked teenager on television in the 60's.

Here we have another really famous caning scene. It's from the film "If....", in which young Malcolm McDowell gets a merciless caning from Roundtree, his head of house. He's even doing a run up, which shows you just how sadistic this scene is. Believe it not, this film got an X rating when it was released in 1968.

I haven't seen the film my next photo comes from. The film is called "Youth In Revolt". The scene seems to involve Gale O'Grady and Ray Liotta as a couple who can't deal with her rebellious son. While the mother (Ms. O'Grady) is on the phone to her ex-husband trying to get him to take the boy because she can't handle him anymore, her boyfriend (Mr. Liotta) suggests some corporal punishment for the boy. We here the young man's narration as he tells us that one of his other personalities took the thrashing. Looks like he's the one taking it to me.

Next up, one of my favorite M/M scenes in all of cinema, "The Basketball Diaries". The scene in question features a young Leonardo Di Caprio as Jim Carroll getting a serious paddling from a priest while on all fours in front of the class. This is the opening scene in the film and sets the tone for the whole thing. Poor Leo...he just can't get a break. He has a promising basketball career ahead of him, but like a lot of kids in the 60's, drugs caused him to take a detour on the road of life. I'm not sure what films like this say about society as a whole, but this photo shows that Leo is pretty spankable.

Now, on to some nice British Navy discipline. This is an episode of "Hornblower" and while I haven't seen the whole thing, I'm familiar with this activity. Young Mr. Wellard is doing what used to be known as "kissing the gunner's daughter". In other words, he's getting a thrashing over a cannon. This miniseries was beautifully filmed and highly acclaimed and it had every one's favorite bad guy, David Warner as the sadistic captain.

I actually only watched the show our next photo comes from a few times. It was pretty ahead of its time. The show is called "Titus" and it's based loosely on the life and stand up routine of its star, Christopher Titus. He's the sensible one in a completely dysfunctional family. In the scene in question, the father, Ken Titus (played by Stacey Keach), spanks his younger son Dave while Christopher watches from the "neutral space", a black and white set that he used to narrate and offer his insights. He comments on his father's "special way" with children. Again, I have to apologize for the quality of the clip I got this from. Obviously, this was the days before hi-def.

Next up, a British film from 1983, which was also highly acclaimed. In "Another Country", Rupert Everett plays Guy Bennett, a gay student having an affair with another student. A young Colin Firth plays his socialist roommate. The film seems to say "It's OK to be gay, old chap. Just don't get caught being gay." Bennett's behavior is beginning to get noticed so the "Gods" get together and decide something has to be done. They call Bennett in for a caning. The seen is dark and somber, as seen in the darkness of the room here. He is unceremoniously bent over a chair for his strokes.

Anyway, I'm sure you get the idea now. M/M has been going on in mainstream films for a very long time. I don't know what the fuss is, as a spanko, about having it openly at spanking parties or why it's so odd that some people enjoy these types of videos. And in case anyone wants to cry "foul" and say I never did the same for M/F, go back a couple of years and you'll see at least three entries devoted to great M/F scenes. 

I'm quite sure there are gentlemen who enjoy the homoerotic elements of some of these scenes. But also there are people like me, who just enjoy a good M/M scene and see no reason why these scenes shouldn't be as celebrated as all those classic M/F scenes.

Calling On The Spanking Community

OK, folks this isn't going to be my usual post, even though I'll be attending my first MDSS party in three days. No, there's more serious business to attend to tonight.

You folks that read me regularly know that I have become really "into" the Straight Lads Spanked website. Well, one of the guys needs the help of the spanking community. 

This young man, as you may or may not know (depending on your interest in M/M spanking or how much you read this blog), is Patrick Lee. Patrick is 23 years old and lives in London. He's originally from Dublin. He shot a number of videos, usually with his brothers Andy and Dan, for SLS and he was the first model I encountered from that site. So I have a real soft spot for this young man. Three days ago, while he was on holiday in Ibiza, Spain Patrick was attacked, according to his brother, Andy, by a group of guys who left him with a broken back, broken jaw and other injuries. The situation is serious, not just because Patrick is badly injured, but also because Patrick doesn't have medical insurance and he has already received a large bill for his treatment. He just quite simply doesn't have that kind of money. 

So, this is where social media helps. Yesterday, I made the decision to finally get on Twitter (mostly so I can keep track of my favorite MLB team, the St. Louis Cardinals). It was while looking at Andy's tweets that I saw the awful news about Patrick. My first day on Twitter and this happens. Not good. Andy, like any good brother, was thrown into chaos. He started a fund for Patrick here:

https://www.gofundme.com/etf0j0

I noticed right away that not much was happening there, so I decided (after a night's sleep on the matter) to contact Andy and put an idea to him. As much as I complain about Fetlife here, it does serve one useful purpose: it reaches hundreds of thousands of people, all of them kinky to one degree or another. I asked Andy if I could post something about Patrick on Fetlife. I realize that many, many people use Twitter. But a good percentage of them are not kinky and the plight of a 23-year-old spanking model is of no concern to them. But I know the spanking community. I know their generosity and their "community spirit". This past summer, spankos raised over $17,000 for a man in the scene who had undergone cancer surgery and then had a seizure. The check was presented to the man's good friend at the July Crimson Moon party and he accepted the check tearfully. 

While Patrick Lee may not be a member of the American spanking scene and therefor not personally known to any of us, he IS a fellow human being and he did work in the spanking video business, so he's at least marginally well known (and very well known to some of us). Andy was very grateful to me for getting the word out about his brother, who means the world to him. I posted a writing, which prompted Jon and Kim at ASpankoWorld to start a contest in conjunction with Patrick's medical fund. Anyone who donates to Patrick's medical fund, no matter how small, will be automatically put in the running for a $100 gift card from Cane-iacs. Here's the link to their blog: 

https://www.aspankoworld.wordpress.com

Patrick is a young man who never thought that something like this could happen to him. Any of us could find ourselves in his shoes. So I'm imploring my readers to go to Patrick's medical fund page or to JonWelts' blog and give what you can. Let's show the world the generosity of kinky people. Let's show this young man, who just got a front row seat to the cruelty of human beings towards another, that decent, caring people exist in the world. I have a big mouth and I can't just sit back and do nothing when someone needs help. The price of your caramel mocha latte tomorrow morning would be a good donation. Anything you can spare will help get this young man back on his feet. He already has a long, painful road ahead of him and the added burden of medical bills won't help the situation. You readers out there that had someone do something kind for you out of the goodness of their hearts, this is your chance to pay it forward. 

On top of monetary donations, I'm also asking my readers to please keep Patrick and his family in your prayers. I know from experience how helpless the family must be feeling. Pray for courage, strength and healing for Patrick and peace for his loved ones. This is a bad situation and there's a young man who needs our help. Let's step up and come through. Thank you, my friends, for your generosity and giving spirit.

My Life As A Twin

I've mentioned repeatedly on this blog that I'm a twin, and an identical one at that. Me and my twin came into the world on New Year's Eve 53 years ago. My parents already had two children--my big sister, Kathy, who was born nearly four years ahead of us and an older brother, Ray, who is 15 months older (he would have been my "Irish twin" if I hadn't already had one)--and the thought of the family doubling in one go must have horrified them. It couldn't have been easy having three children in diapers in the early 1960's, before disposables came out. Women employed diaper services in those days. Amazingly, the dirty ones were rinsed out and put in a diaper pail and then the whole thing was picked up when the service came around and you were given clean ones. This was an expensive extravagance, but it probably saved my mother's life. I would imagine among other expenses was an increase in the family food bill and the need for a larger car. How my parents managed all of this on my dad's salary alone is a mystery. 

So, I mentioned in another post that my mother dressed Carol and I alike and that my dad couldn't tell us apart. In fact, his whole life he constantly called me by her name and vise verse. A family story has it that on Friday nights when my mom would go out and get her hair done, my dad was put in charge of feeding and bathing us. My mother had a system. She put one dot on the bottom of my foot with an ink pen (because I was born first) and Carol got two dots on her foot. This was the only way they had of telling us apart. For many years, my mother kept the little pink and white ankle bracelets that were put on us at the hospital. Mine said "Baby A" and Carol's said "Baby B". I think that helped them keep us straight for the first few weeks, but I also think my mother realized that we couldn't wear those bracelets indefinitely. At some point we were going to outgrow them. The family story goes that on one night in particular when we were just a few months old, he had washed us too zealously and had washed the ink marks off our feet. I can just about imagine the panic of not knowing which child was which. He spent a very uncomfortable couple of hours waiting for Mother to come home. Of course, any good mother knows her child by sight, by cry and other ways and she easily got us figured out. However, my dad used to like to mess with us by telling me "How do you know you're not Carol Ann?" "It's too late now," I would always say. Whatever the truth about that, my mother always said that we hated being apart. When it was nap time or time to go to bed, we always pushed our cribs together (they were on wheels so they moved easily) and then held each other's hands while we slept. She said we wouldn't go to sleep any other way. One time, when we were about two, Carol tried to climb out of her crib and she fell face first on the floor. She had two black eyes and Dad said she looked like a raccoon. Carol was a daredevil her whole life. Almost nothing scared her; except being separated from me. One of my earliest memories is of being five years old and having to have my tonsils out. Kathy, Ray and Carol were going to stay overnight with our grandparents so that Mom and Dad could deal with me. I remember when we dropped them off and Mom and Dad drove away with me in the car and Carol parted the drapes and watched, the tears streaming down her face, until we were gone. My grandmother told me that Carol "cried for her sissy" all night. I still get choked up when I think about that.

The fact that my mother dressed us alike and cut our hair alike caused quite a few problems in the family. First of all, because Carol was a terrorist. I say that with nothing but love for her and respect for her memory. But she was a naughty child. She always made sure that, if she got in trouble, that she took someone else down with her. That "someone else" was usually me. She would misbehave and then go stand by me and since my dad couldn't tell us apart, we would both get spanked. Usually, when we were very little girls, he would put one of us over each knee and spank us together. He did this because one of us was sure to run away while he was busy with the other. When you have twins you have to improvise. And you have to be fast. And you have to have eyes in the back of your head. So Dad would spank us both at the same time and he would always say "I'll get the right one this way." It probably never occurred to him how many times I got spanked when I didn't deserve it or when I hadn't even done anything. I remember once being at a family reunion when I was about sixteen or so and I was complaining to someone about all the spankings I got because of Carol and my Uncle Bob just laughed and said "You probably got away with a hundred things you were never spanked for. Don't play innocent." 

Now until now, except for a memorable spanking from my Uncle Carroll (which I discussed in an earlier post), I haven't talked much about my mother's side of the family. Uncle Carroll's sons, my cousins, Lee and Kim, were my mother's age. Both were handsome, with dark hair and blue eyes, like most of the Applegates. When I was seven years old, we had a birthday party for Kim's wife, who I hated. She babysat us a couple of times and she was mean and bossy, everything a kid hates. Because Mother was an only child, the only cousins we had were her cousins. So the only kid our age was Kim's daughter, Gina Marie, who was a year younger than we were. She was everything I wasn't--beautiful, imaginative and talented. I was probably jealous of her, but jealousy, when one is a very small child, is too complex an emotion to articulate, so I simply hated her. Throwing children who dislike each other into a social situation that requires them to be on their best behavior is a recipe for disaster. My mother made sure everyone was bathed and in clean party clothes. Mother laid out our Easter dresses for this party, which were printed over in a floral print of apple green and yellow with matching green coats. It was still a bit nippy and, as I was a sickly child at times, the coats were a precaution. My mother's theory that, one behaves best when best dressed, was thrown out the window that evening. I wish I could remember what precipitated the fist fight between Gina Marie and I that fateful April night, but try as I might, I can't. I only remember us grappling on the grass in Uncle Carroll and Aunt Helen's backyard. Two little girls in crinolines, dirty and grass stained, were pulled apart by my angry cousin, Kim. My father hadn't been able to attend because he was working. My mother wasn't big on spanking us, but would if she had to. My mother's spankings were almost as bad as my father's. 
"Just look at you two!" Kim said, hands on hips. "You should both be ashamed of yourselves."
I have said before that I was a good kid and afraid of discipline, so I'm almost completely sure the fight was Gina's fault. 
"She started it!" I said pointing at her.
I remember at some point during this encounter with my cousin Kim being carried into the house under one of his arms, while he carried his crying daughter under the other. She knew full well that this entire debacle was her fault. Kim stood us on our feet side by side and demanded that we apologize to each other and to his wife, Stacy for making a scene at her party.v For once, Stacy glossed over the incident (probably because her little angel was the guilty one), 
"Well, Donna what are we gonna do with these girls?" Kim asked my mother.
My mother looked at us. What a sight we must have been. Our knees and elbows were scraped and I had managed to pull Gina's ribbon out of her hair. I knew what Mother was going to say even before she said it.
"I would spank them both," she said.
So, Gina got spanked by her mother and I got spanked by Kim. Gina absolutely got the better of that bargain. Kim put me over his knee and lifted my crinolines. Then he spanked me about seven or eight times across my panties. Gina got her spanking bare bottom. But Kim was a lot stronger than his wife and I still got the worst of it. Nine years later, at Uncle Carroll's funeral, Kim still remembered the incident. I was a 17-year-old high school senior by that time and I can remember flushing with embarrassment when he talked about it.

But life went on. I grew from a homely, skinny child into a homely, skinny adolescent.

My mother, although she's only in her late 30's here, is completely gray haired and had given up coloring it (probably because, as we kids grew and the financial demands of raising teenagers took more of their finances, there was no money to spare for such vanity). I was 13 when this photo was taken at Shepherd Of The Hills Farm in 1974. My father was still taking his belt to me when I misbehaved. With Carol around, it happened a lot. In fact, the day this photo was taken, my dad belted me for a fight in the car with my brother over ice cream. He pulled the car over, took off his belt and laid in to me right there on the side of the road, with cars whizzing past us. Of course, my brother got it as well, plus we had to clean the ice cream off the seat in the car when we got home. Such was life in those days; a series of misadventures that almost always resulted in a sore bottom. I'm sure that there are younger people reading this who are incredulous that a father would take a belt to his teenage daughter. But he was normally a kind, loving man. He was a "man's man" but wasn't afraid to show his tender side either. So I felt loved and cared for. 

As Carol and grew into fairly attractive teenagers, my parents had what every parent of daughters dreads--that we would start dating. And we did. Carol and I were still best friends, but we began to notice boys more and more. To my parents' terror, I was attracted to older boys. High school boys were so immature. While I did date the boys at my high school, I never got attached to any of them. I much preferred, by the time I was 16 (when the above photo was taken) to date college boys. I always told them I was 18 and they always believed me. If my mother's hair wasn't already gray enough, I'm sure Carol and I added to it. But she was my best friend and biggest supporter. No matter what it was I was doing, she was right there urging me to do my best. And I did the same for her. We made a pact that we would both live to be 100 because we read that the odds were astronomical. But then, we had bucked the odds all our lives. Unfortunately, Carol didn't even live to see 50, though it was her goal. 

We headed into our 20's still as close as ever; "thick as thieves", is how my mother used to put it. And still, even without dressing alike, my dad couldn't tell us apart. Being a twin was the coolest thing in the world. Even our boyfriends thought so. At least, until the night we switched on them. Carol's boyfriend at the time, a real cutie named Tommy, had a wonderful sense of humor and loved to go off roading (before there was a name for it) in his old Chevy Suburban. He wore T-shirts and jeans habitually and favored Old Spice aftershave. My boyfriend, Stan was a year older. I met him through a mutual friend. He was studying architecture and lived in a grubby apartment not far from my place. Stan was studious and serious, which is what I thought I wanted in a relationship. He had a weakness for seeing me in just my panties and one of his shirts.

Like this. This was taken in his absolutely dingy apartment. He never wanted to come to my place. He always insisted that we "study" at his place. But I was 19 here, what did I know? He had an absolute fetish for my legs, which is why we were found out so fast. Actually, as soon as Tommy put his hand down my shirt, the jig was up.
"Hey! You're not Carol," he said.
I laughed.
"Tommy, you see me nearly every day," I said. "You had to know as soon as you saw me."
"Well, I've had a few PBR's (Pabst Blue Ribbon beers)," he replied. "I thought maybe that was the problem. But no amount of beer is gonna make your boobs as big as your sister's."
"Well, you can't blame a girl for trying," I said with a laugh.
"Naw,I guess not," Tommy said. "So do you still wanna have some dinner?"
A free meal? Why not. He laughed about the deception and I had a great time with him. Carol, meanwhile, didn't fare so well with Stan. He was furious about the joke we'd played. He had no sense of humor at all and I can't believe I dated him as long as I did. At the time this happened, in September, 1980 I had been trying to get Stan to spank me for more than a year. He loved seeing me parade around in my undies, I didn't think a spanking was that big of a stretch. Like it or not, he refused to take the hint. Carol told me that Stan's idea of a "date" was to take pics of her in her underwear and order a pizza. He must have known all along that it wasn't me because, just like I didn't have Carol's boobs, she didn't have my legs. And he knew every inch of them. 
"I suppose you think that's real funny?" he said as Carol laughed.
"Come on, Stan, can't you ever lighten up?" Carol replied.
"Don't you have any shame at all?"" Stan said.
"Don't act all moral with me," Carol said. "You think I don't see those photos you take of her? You're nothing but a pervert!"
With that, he out her across his knee and spanked her. She had gotten him to do in one hour what it had taken me a year of begging and coercing and to no avail. She told me all about it when she got home.
"I don't believe you," I told her.
With a saucy smirk, she dropped her Lee's and showed me her red bottom. I stayed with Stan only another week or so. As far as I was concerned, he'd been intimate with my sister. I didn't blame her though.

This was Carol and I on our 23rd birthday. We were old enough to have affairs, drink in bars and dance the night away in the underground clubs that were all the rage then, but still young enough to enjoy blowing out the candles on our birthday cake. We had decent jobs (though Carol had recently moved back home) and decent lives. But we were both courting disaster. As we moved on into our 20's, we both became enmeshed in booze and bad relationships. In a couple of years' time, I would probably sink to my lowest: working fast food and enduring an abusive relationship. 

My life changed completely the day after this photo was taken. On June 22, 1983, I was involved in an accident with a drunk driver. I wasn't critically injured, but I was injured badly enough that I only drove sporadically over the next thirteen years and haven't driven at all since 1996. That accident changed me; more than that, it scared me. I can remember Carol, trying to put on a brave face, but tears were standing in the corners of her eyes. She told me that, right when the accident had occurred, she'd had the strangest feeling she'd ever had in her life. She said the worst feeling of dread had come over her. I told her it was because she'd made the goat horns behind my head in the photo. That was bad luck; as bad as rocking an empty rocking chair or walking under a ladder. My outward wounds healed up, but inside, I was a mess. 

The 80's plowed on. We stayed close to home, even in our individual lives. I still couldn't stand to be separated from her. This photo is scratched from being carried in my purse for a year after she died. We were both drunks by this time, but you wouldn't know it to look at us. We were going to a club that night, I'm sure. No matter how bad things got, we never forgot family. Our parents and siblings and grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins still meant everything to us. We were proud aunts, too--Kathy had two boys, Sean and Andrew and Ray had two girls, Rachel and Dawn. 

This is Christmas, 1988. Carol is holding Andrew, the younger of Kathy's two boys. He's fourteen months old here. Even though we'd gone out the night before, we made sure we were up and dressed when Kathy brought the boys over (minus her husband) to get their presents. Mother was sick cancer and Alzheimer's by this point, so family became even more important. I knew Kathy wasn't happy in her marriage, but those boys were everything to her and she endured a lot of unpleasantness and frustration for their sakes. I'm pretty sure Andrew appreciates it. Sean, not so much. No matter how bad things get, I used to tell him, always put your family first. Yeah, it was old-fashioned. But in the end, who's going to love you more than family? Who's going to put up with your crap and repeatedly forgive you? Really, only family will do that. 

By the time this photo was taken, on Father's Day, 1991, things were bad. Mother had slipped away from us into her own world and Dad was struggling to cope. He had promised never to put her in a nursing home, but it was a promise he couldn't keep. Carol was caring for both of them full-time and she asked me to come back and help her. At first, I thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. But looking back, Carol needed me. As horrible as those days were, I'm glad I didn't desert her when she needed me. We were 30 years old by this time and I felt like my life was half over. But there was Carol, being my rock as she always was.

This photo was taken on Christmas Day, 1992. It was our dad's and mom's last Christmas. Dad did Christmas big that year, spending lavishly on everyone. He had always loved Christmas and I think he knew it was going to be his last. Carol had sobered up by this time and wanted me to do the same. The problem was that I hadn't yet admitted that I had a problem. That would take another year and a half.

Yes, my life has had some sorrows. Who's hasn't? But I was lucky enough to come into the world with my best friend. Not a lot of people can say that. They say that the twin bond is unique and can't be broken, even by death. I firmly believe that's true. A part of her is still with me, urging me on ("nagging" I would call it in my less than stellar moments). My life as a twin had ups and downs, like all lives have. But I never had to go through anything alone. And for this, I'm so grateful. I always had someone to whisper secrets to, to commiserate with in my losses and celebrate my victories. She was always my biggest fan.