Feelings About Feelings

You know, usually I'm pretty easy to get along with. I don't make a lot of demands. But something has been happening behind the scenes that is making me very frustrated and angry. This will be kind of a long, drawn out thing so bear with me.

I have one man that I list on my Fetlife account as my top. I have several play partners and a plethora of "sisters" but he's the only one I list as my top. For varying reasons, we're special to each other. I'm talking about Mike D. Mike is kind, generous and spanks hard. That's a perfect combination for me. I met him years ago at one of Valorie's OND parties. My sister was still alive back then and I think she may have met him as well. Anyway, about six months after Carol died, I was vending for my friend MrZia at the November OND party and I saw him again. This was in 2010. He bought a lovely blood wood paddle (one of only two that I had) from me and I let him give me a few smacks with it. It was pretty normal for that to happen and I thought nothing of it. I didn't see Mike again for three more years. In the spring of 2012, he contacted me, reminding me of how we met, and offering me a ride if I was going to be attending Valorie's party. I was, but I was going with my friend, Sherri. For some reason, he didn't attend. Then in November, he offered again. I couldn't go to the party so I declined. He asked if I had a free day for him to come down and play. I'm always looking for new people to play with. But to  say that Mike and I "clicked" that day is probably an understatement. I had searched for years looking for someone I could play with who was different from anyone else I have ever played with. Mike admitted that he had looked for a long time for the same thing. He told me he has been playing at the SINs Center, with little actual play. I got the impression that very few people gave him a chance. No, he's not an Adonis. Neither of us is young or beautiful. However, something just happens when we're together. But Mike is a busy guy. He's married, so his wife comes first. That's something I have to accept and I have no problem doing that. He also owns a business and that keeps him busy, especially at tax time. Everything is on his terms. I don't have a problem with that either. I enjoy his company and he's opening up a  different world for me.

We got together several times in 2013. He came down to see me about nine days after I had my appendix out. I had to cut our play short because of pain, but we still had fun. He treated me to a wonderful dinner and some nice spanking and a little pantie shopping. Then I saw him for a few hours that same month at the January Smack 'n' Snack (meetings arranged by Valorie at the LRA in Chicago). Again, I couldn't play very hard but we still had fun. I didn't see him again until May, when we travelled to Indianapolis for a house party. In June, about a month before the CCM summer party, he got the idea for me to come and spend some time with him at his condo. It was during this time that I became aware of the existence of another person in Mike's life. She was a sub he'd played with a few times and now she felt she owned him. She texted him no less than 75 times that weekend. "You're with that CherylKay!" she would text him. Her constant interruptions began to make me uncomfortable. Even while we ate at Carson's, a great barbecue place, she kept blowing up his phone with text messages. I told him he ought to turn his phone off, but he told me that she had threatened to kill herself before when he'd done that. I was horrified. How could he let this unstable woman into his life? I guess it just shows you the things that can happen when someone is desperate for someone to play with.

Things came to a head when we got back from CCM in July. Admittedly, I hadn't spent much time with Mike when I was there. But I explained beforehand that there were people I only saw at parties and I wanted to play with them. I think his feelings were hurt and he confided in this woman. She then sent me a taunting message, calling me a user, who only wants men who can spend money on me. I could tell that she really meant everything she said. She wasn't just trying to hurt me. I didn't respond to her because I didn't want to give her a stage to play her drama out on. Obviously, she was jealous of me but felt that some of the information that Mike had given her about our weekend in Chicago gave her some kind of leverage against me. I admit that I'm far from perfect and if there were problems between Mike and I that weekend, I took responsibility for them. I was a tad bit angry at Mike for telling someone I've never met personal things about our time together that weekend. About a month later, I tried to bury the hatchet with her. I actually sent her a friend request, which she rejected. That should have been my first indicator that things were going to come to a head. She sent me more messages after Mike threatened to drop her if  she didn't clean up her act. She accused me of driving a wedge between her and Mike. How on earth could I drive a wedge between them when I rarely got to see him? She sent me messages telling me how wonderful things would be with Mike if only I wasn't in the picture. Her attitude perplexed me. The more I tried to explain the real situation to her, the less sense she made. Everything was my fault.

Today, Mike got tired of her and cut her loose. Mike is a dominant man and was actually seeking a slave/sub. He knew I, as a bottom, could never be that for him. So I encouraged him to get another relationship going. He could only take so much and had a lot to lose in regards to his marriage and business if she decided to get really ugly. She wrote me today and, again, blamed me for the "break up." Now I'm back to reconsidering what part I actually did play in this. I won't lie. I do have feelings for Mike. It's not love. It's more like deep respect and friendship. If he were to call me and tell me he didn't want to see me anymore, I would probably be really sad for a while. But I wouldn't shatter over it. Now I have to wonder if having feelings is even a good thing in this scene. Does it even pay to get close to someone when there's bound to be someone in the shadows sending text messages threatening suicide? I looked for someone like Mike for ten years and it feels terribly unfair to have this going on. 

When  I first started in the spanking scene back in 2003, my sister and I had a few rules in place for ourselves in order to keep messy entanglements in check. First of all, we always played together so that the men we played with didn't see more of one of us than the other. Second, there was no sex involved. This is a rule I've since broken a number of times. We also didn't allow tops to get into our heads and mess with our emotions. Those were kept completely separate. At first, it was easy. But as I go along in the scene (especially in the years since Carol died) it gets harder and harder not to feel something for these guys. Carol kept me grounded and also fulfilled a lot of the emotional needs I had. But now that she's gone, someone else has to fill that emotional void. Mike does that for me. He's kind and funny and generous with both his time and money. Granted, a lot of women would say he isn't much to look at. But then again, I'm not either. Looks is very low on my list of things that are important in a play partner. Other things, like being a good listener and having a sense of humor, are much more important. If I had to define our relationship in a more scene oriented way, I would say that it borders on the Daddy/babygirl variety. He loves to spoil me and sometimes show me off. I feel safe when he's around. He feels like I gave him the chance no one else would. So many people are hung up on looks. All you have to do on Fetlife is look at what makes K&P on a daily basis. Almost all of the women are beautiful and the men are all handsome and commanding. Mike and I both feel that we don't fit that. But we found each other and that means the world to us. Mike is faithful to his wife and works hard at building his business. It's hard not to admire someone like that. We've always been honest about our feelings and honest about what we mean to each other. Maybe this episode with the needy slave will make both of us appreciate each other better. But I'm also on the look out for a possible romantic relationship and so I kind of have to put myself out there and risk getting hurt. It's a risk I', willing to take at this point, but that could change.