Wednesday, January 29, 2014

"Why Do You Bother?"

The title of today's entry was the body of a private message I received this morning in my Fetlife inbox. A quick look at the profile of the person who sent it clearly established him in my mind as a dominant. I sent him back a short response in which I asked what he was referring to. A few hours later, I received a mini-diatribe asking two pertinent questions:

1) Why did I bother posting to groups when all I want to do is disagree with people?
2) Why do I bother getting spanked when it's obvious I don't want anyone correcting my behavior?

I spent an hour or so mulling over his questions, during which I received another message from him taunting me for ignoring his questions. When I finally did get around to responding to him, I felt I had adequately answered him. I told him that, first and foremost, I'm what my father used to call a "get along girl"; that is, someone who doesn't want to rock the boat or upset the apple cart. I want everyone to live together in peace and harmony. Even on Fetlife. I told this guy in my response that I enjoy posting to the groups and I enjoy seeing other points of view. My main is NOT to be disagreeable. To him, I'm sure it looks that way. I will admit that I do offer a dissenting opinion on a lot of subjects. And I have been told before that if I disagree with someones viewpoint why don't I just ignore it and not say anything so that the thread doesn't turn into an exercise in wagon circling? This is a valid question and one I have pondered myself. I do have opinions and sometimes, they're strong ones. I'm not sure which posting of mine prompted that man to write me, but I suspect it stems from one that a man wrote in his Erotica concerning a made up girl and her many transgressions. While I won't give away the title, let me just say it was somewhat irritating to me and smacked of bullying. My response, while a strong one, opined only what would happen if the girl I question were me. I made no value judgments on the writer or his imaginary submissive. What I got in response from him shocked me. He was actually on my friends list and someone I had been curious to play with if the situation ever presented itself. He shot off an angry post where he dropped F bombs at me and told me not to comment on a situation I don't know anything about. I should say that the body of his Erotica entry involved going through the made up sub's personal property and finding credit card bills which he knew nothing about. In my defense, I will say that I didn't know this situation was hypothetical when I posted. I was aghast that he would snoop through her things that way (again, not knowing that the situation was made up in his head). When I was 13, my father (whom I adored) broke the lock on my diary and read it. It was the only time he ever did anything so awful and I was furious with him. I was so furious, in fact, that I ran away from home over it, spending three days at a friend's house until things cooled down. Ever since then, I have guarded my privacy closely. A room mate who got on my computer when I wasn't home and snooped through my groups and photos didn't stay my room mate for very long after that. Something about the cavalier way this guy wrote about rifling the girl's things conjured up my feelings of returning home from school and finding the lock on my diary broken. I could feel the old fury, although I didn't go off on the guy who wrote the post. I simply said that things would have gone differently had I been the girl in question. While others let me know that whatever two people agree to is their business (and really, when he wrote he made no mention of what this dynamic was) and friends stuck up for me, he shot me down with both barrels. Of course, he later printed an apology to me and I apologized to him for going off half-cocked. Of course, he also printed a Note stating that the imaginary sub had died and I suppose many will view it as my fault if we don't get treated to more of his Erotica.

I don't respond to posts with the express purpose of being disagreeable. A lot of what we do in the lifestyle is fantasy based and sometimes, for whatever reason, people have a hard time separating their fantasies from reality. Maybe the man who wrote the offending Erotica DOES fantasize about having a submissive whose property he can violate on a whim? Who knows? Or maybe, like the Australian gentleman who suggests filling gelatin capsules with cayenne pepper and inserting them in the rectums of his play partners, a big dose of reality is needed. Most of us, if we're honest, would be shocked beyond description of having someone we thought we could trust violate that trust in some way. Disrespecting private property is one of the most trust-breaking acts I can think of. Yes, I'm fully aware that there are subs who have that kind of dynamic, where their dom is allowed access to their cellphone and computer and dresser drawers or whatever else is held as private. Those people are allowed their opinions and voice them without impunity on most of the groups I've visited. However, when it comes to me viewing my opinions, I often have to preface them with some kind of disclaimer such as "in my opinion" or "speaking only for me" lest someone think I'm posting my opinion as fact. Anyway, I told that guy in my response that I'm entitled to my opinion and if it happens to differ from the majority, so be it. Yes, I know Fetlife would be a better place if people like me didn't go around injecting reality into their little fantasy worlds (fantasy worlds where all women are submissive and kept naked and available for use 24/7).

Now, about his second question. Why do I bother getting spanked when I don't want my behavior corrected? This is a question I get tired of answering. I told the guy that I like pain and spanking gives me the kind of pleasurable pain I'm seeking. Apparently, he doesn't realize that there are people (especially women) who enjoy spanking and engage in it for purely physical reasons; reasons that have nothing to do with wanting to be pleasing or taking it because it's deserved for some sin I've committed. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not slamming subs. Some of my best friends are submissives. If you need that dynamic to have peace of mind or to survive in this big, mean world then knock yourself out. If you're a dom and you have an overpowering need to perpetrate your desires on some willing female flesh, that's your business. What two (or more) people do in privacy is their business and no real concern of mine as long as everyone is consenting age and playing nice. BUT posting on a public forum is another matter entirely. Supposedly, we're all adults and as such we know from the get-go that at least one person will take exception to something we write. And when that happens, we can go about responding a number of different ways. Ideally, someone points out something we didn't know and we say "Thank you very much for educating me on a couple of points. I'm here to learn." On Fetlife, that hardly ever happens. The offender is much more likely to be treated to the F-bomb laden diatribe that I got from the dom who posted the Erotica about the made up submissive. This is because people are defensive of their beliefs. I'm as guilty of this as anyone. However, I wouldn't dream of cursing at people and calling them small minded just  because they don't happen to agree with me. Most of the doms I know (even the nicer ones) are fairly ego driven. Many also get off on intimidating people, mostly subs. This is why you see people posting pictures of intimidating implements or the handiwork of said implement and they have a ball watching all the subs call red under their pics. So when they come up against someone like me, who's not the least bit intimidated by them or their toy, they don't know how to respond, except with anger. Make no mistake: I'm a spanko and I love getting spanked. I love playing hard and testing my limits. I love the bond that forms between me and the people who have spanked me. It's deep, profound and, barring violating my trust, unbreakable.

So why do I bother? Because I love this lifestyle and most of the people in it. I love hearing other points of view, even if I disagree with them because I might learn something from them and they from me. I might make a friend of someone who, instead of lashing out in anger, strove to understand me. I have to be true to myself if this is going to work. And that, most of all, is why I bother.


bobcat said...

VERY WELL-Written!!

You have a right to be the person that you are and desire to be--AND you have a right to express that!!

I am just shocked to hear that this particular top "went off" on you!! I am SURE that his apology was sincere!!

It would be GREAT, in my opinion, if you could meet this top in person some day and have a heart-to-heart convo!! I have read that he is a REALLY nice person!!


Dr. Ken said...

The questions themselves smack of ignorance, IMO. What, you're only supposed to comment on something when you agree with it?? When you pubicly post anything, you are inviting all who read to comment--not all of those comments are going to be positive, and the person doing the posting should be prepared for that. The only way to not have something you've written criticised or critiqued is to not post anything!

As for the second question--well, you answered that very well, as you always do. Some people like to spank/be spanked just for the fun of it. Not everyone sees spanking as disciplinary. I know I don't--I'm a top, and I spank just because I think it's a fun interaction between two people. I do know a few ladies where it takes on more of a "punishment" slant--and I can do that, too--but I just enjoy it either way.
Good post!