Thursday, February 19, 2015

Respect...Learn The Meaning Of The Word!

Author's Note: Today's entry is highly explicit in language and content. If this kind of thing offends you (as it does me) then please don't read any further.

I've been on Fetlife for about six and a half years now; since September, 2008. It has changed a lot in the course of those six and a half years. Some of those changes have been for the better, such as a button that lets you "love" a particular photo or writing. But some of the changes have been for the worse, such as men beginning to think that they are owed something by the women on the site, whether it be allowing men to talk about them suggestively with impunity or demanding that women "show more" in their photos. This entitlement attitude just seems to get worse. And the more we women complain about it, the more the men insist that they have the right to treat us as objects. After all, we post photos showing our bodies, some of them highly explicit. At the very least, most of us spankos show our red bare bottoms along with the occasional up skirt or pantie shot. Does this behavior mean that men are now free to objectify us to their heart's content?

As I said in my "Myth vs. Reality" entry, Fetlife is a social networking site, but because it's free to use, many men feel that it's OK to view Fetlife as a porn site because they don't want to go to the trouble and expense of paying for porn. So for them, Fetlife becomes their source for porn. And since the ladies in the porn videos are happy and eager to put out, they see no reason why the ladies on Fetlife shouldn't be the same way. Then they get a reality check.

A couple of days ago, I received a very crassly worded message from a man who told me what he would like to do to a certain part of my anatomy. I get those kinds of messages all the time, usually from men I don't know. Men who know me know better than to talk to me that way. I could see if I posted really revealing and explicit photos, which might tell the guys on Fetlife that they have a green light to objectify me all they want to. But I don't. I post photos of my bottom and sometimes some of the more intimate parts are visible (though not outrageously so). So because of that, I felt that this man had been inappropriate with me and I told him so. I asked him in  several different messages to please be respectful of me, but he just didn't get it. He tried to do what we call "mansplain" his way out of it. He also continued to be disrespectful by telling me in his second message that, while he was sorry he had been disrespectful to me, a woman's nakedness does something to him that makes him act in inappropriate ways. So, really it was my fault because I post naked photos. He seemed to be saying that he had no control over his reactions to photos of naked women and so he shouldn't be held accountable. This is classic "mansplaining". He told me in this third message, after again apologizing to me, that he would eat food off my butt because it's just so gorgeous. Apparently, he felt this was more respectful than his first message had been. This is the photo that prompted the inappropriate message:

Notice that I'm not even naked in this photo. Unless, like Superman, he has X-ray vision and can see through clothing, there's not much showing here, at least not by Fetlife standards. Granted, there are a lot of women on Fetlife that I would term attention whores. They love being noticed. To a certain degree, I'm one of them. I love knowing that men want to spank me and that they find my bottom (and the rest of me) attractive. But just because a woman may enjoy attention from men doesn't mean that there's no such thing as unwanted attention. My messenger went on with his mansplaining by telling me that men like sex and that my ass reminded him of sex. OK, that's fair enough. I've been on the planet for 54 years and have spent about 40 of those years having sex. I know men dig sex. I didn't need him to tell me that. However, just because men like sex doesn't mean that making sexually inappropriate comments to a woman he's contacting for the very first time is acceptable. 

So because when it comes to sex, men and women apparently speak different languages, I'm going to attempt to translate some of what this guy said to me. The parts in quotes are actual lines from the messages he's sent me.

"I want to fuck your ass hole senseless"

Translation: I'm a total pig and I thought I would send you a message designed to prove it.

My take: this guy gets no action in real life. 

"I meant it as a compliment"

Translation: I was hoping that, like the chicks I see in the porn videos I obsessively watch, any comment of a sexual nature would make you all wet and agreeable.

My take: Whenever a guy says he meant something as a compliment, he's backpedalling because he had no idea you would respond with indignity. 

"you're on a site showing off your ass"

Translation: because you're displaying a part of your anatomy that I find very stimulating, I no longer have to treat you as a human being.

My take: Some women love being objectified and that's cool for them. I'm not one of them.

"a woman's nakedness does something to me."

Translation: because I get all excited at the sight of naked flesh, I'm no longer responsible for anything I may say or do.

My take: This guy wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she came with an instruction manual. All he really knows is what he sees in porn.

"i'm a man, sex is great ok. men love sex."

Translation: it's all about my dick. Stop being a prude and let my dick get what it wants.

My take: He typed that one-handed. 

"your ass reminds me of sex"

Translation: I have an ass fetish. Seeing naked female buttocks makes me want to rut like a dog in heat.

My take: I have a great ass and a lot of men like it. I don't blame him for being attracted.

"i would eat food off your but(t) because it's gorgeous"

Translation: even though I identify as a dominant, I would be all subby in your presence and humiliate myself by eating food off your lovely butt.

My take: Eating food off someones butt is very unhygienic. 

"i could stay in it (my ass) for hrs."

Translation: if I ever got the awesome experience of screwing your delightful ass I would never want to come out.

My take: He would probably blow his load before he even got it in.

"aww come on, i'm sorry. stop being so sensitive."

Translation: stop acting like a normal, self-respecting woman and act like you at least want to jump on my dick.

My take: If he had been in the room with me and said that, we would find out how sensitive his ball sac is.

Anyway, that's the juicier parts of the four messages I got from him. I told him I didn't want to hear from him again, so we'll see how obedient he is. Here's some advice for all of you would-be doms out there. Yes, women like attention; sometimes even sexual attention. But please, before you message a total stranger the way this guy messaged me, learn how to curb your enthusiasm. Learn how to speak like a gentleman speaking to a lady. Yes, I know that a lot of women like dirty talk. I'm just not one of them and I'm sure I'm not alone. You will get a lot more accomplished if you send a politely worded message first, one that expresses that you see the woman as a complete human being instead of a body part. A few times when I've given this kind of advice, I've gotten messages back saying "Listen, bitch I'm a dom. I don't have time to be all candy and flowers with sluts. They either service me or they don't." Yeah, let me know how that approach is working out for you. It appears that these particular dudes have never heard that old axiom "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar". A woman, even one like me who posts pictures of my bare bottom, deserves to be treated like a human being and not a body part.

And ladies, that respect door swings both ways. It's one thing to post teaser photos (as I've done numerous times), but it's something else entirely to post photos you know will get the guys all hot and bothered and then castigate them for behaving like horny bastards. If we want to be treated a certain way, we should act that way. Act like a lady if you want to be treated like one. If your reputation or how you're perceived by others isn't that important to you, then feel free to act any way you want to. But be prepared to hear some comments you may not want to hear. It's OK after you've discovered it bothers you to say "I thought it didn't bother me, but it does so these are the new rules for commenting on my pics and messaging me". Men will either adapt as appropriate or not.

Getting down to brass tacks, I think the Golden Rule is a good rule of thumb. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If you don't want to be treated like a sexual object, then don't treat others that way. Fetlife might not be a sex site, but it IS an adult site. You have to be 18 to be there for a reason; because there's nudity and adult discussions that are inappropriate for kids. I would suggest learning how to read a profile is helpful in knowing how to approach a woman. If she has "no sexual messages" listed on her profile, then respect that. If she has "don't message me unless we've met" listed, then respect that. If you think that a woman has too many rules on her profile, then find someone else to message. If you see a photo that you find interesting or attractive, let the owner know in a respectful way. If you're a lady and you see a photo of a guy that you like, do likewise; be respectful. You'd be surprised how civil people can be when they're approached the right way. Yes, I know Fetlife is a site for grown ups, but there are still Rules Of Engagement. The rules that govern good behavior still apply, and with a few exceptions, are appreciated. Just because you're calling yourself a dom doesn't mean you own everything you see. Being a dom doesn't give you the right to treat people like they're beneath you or like their feelings don't matter. If you think that treating people this way will make them respect you as a dom, then you're going to learn another thing: that treating people with contempt won't make people like you or see you as a dom. They will see you as a jerk and rightfully so. At a spanking party once, a so-called dom looked at me and told me to get him a drink, pronto. I told him, since I didn't see a cast on his arm or leg, to get it himself. He was nonplussed, to put it mildly. He said "Be a good little subby and do what I said." Again, I told him that since he looked able bodied to me, he should do it himself and that I wasn't a sub. It's a problem that many doms see all women the same--as subs who are just there to serve them. A lot of that same attitude permeates Fetlife. 

Just so we're clear, are entitled to NOTHING. Yes, I post photos of myself and yes, many of my photos are nudes. That doesn't entitle you to my body. That doesn't entitle you to force your dick on me. Try acting like a grown up and stop thinking with your dick and you might get further. There are respectful, kind gentlemen getting busy right this minute because they did the right thing. Think about that the next time you send a foul, inappropriate message to a total stranger.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Straight Lads Spanked

Author's Note: Today's entry features naked males. If you're offended by the sight of naked men or you find M/M spanking disgusting, then please skip this entry.

Author's Addendum: This entry was originally posted on February 9, 2015. By request, I've removed some content and filled in some other places. It remains largely unchanged from the original.

I think, after almost five months of being a member, it's time for me to dispel some of the rumor and innuendo surrounding this website. I'll be discussing what Straight Lads Spanked IS and also what it IS NOT. Let me begin by saying that, yes I'm a paying member of the website so that will somewhat slant my commentary. However, if I wasn't a member of the website, I wouldn't be able to speak as authoritatively as I do about SLS and its culture. 

So, let me start at the beginning. Last summer, I was on the internet looking for classic spanking clips from television; the kind that I remembered from my childhood. As people who use Youtube know, when you watch a video, there is a long list on the right hand side of the screen of related videos. It was while I was looking at a classic spanking threat from the 60's TV series "Flipper" that I happened to see something that caught my eye. It was the smiling face of an extremely handsome young man. The caption read "Straight man discusses making gay spanking videos". I was somewhat intrigued because I thought only gay men made gay spanking videos. I had no idea that straight men got spanked by other men on camera. So I was very much interested in seeing this video. Turns out, it was an interview with a young man named Patrick Lee (not his real name). This charming Irish lad was my first introduction to the website.

I became enchanted with this guy and it's easy to see why. The interview revealed that Patrick was supposed to have shown up for a shoot the previous week but had failed to because he had been arrested for getting into a fight in a pub. So the interviewer (who I didn't know at that time, but who I took to be someone involved with the website) informs Patrick that he left the kind of film Patrick would shoot up to the members. Anyway, as much as I enjoyed the interview, it didn't cause me to instantly go and check out the website. I was still too afraid to do that. I was afraid it was going to be like all the other M/M sites I'd visited--in other words, gay. The interview with Patrick led me to another interview, this one with Patrick's real life older brother, Andy Lee. Andy's interview was longer and more involved and also included some clips from a few of his films. What charmed me about these interviews was the way the guys blushed when speaking about being spanked. I found their embarrassment very sweet. This was the first time I noticed that SLS was different. It was during Andy's video that I realized that the man doing the interviewing (whom we never see on camera) is actually the man who owns and runs Straight Lads Spanked. At the time this interview was done, he hadn't had his name revealed yet. So, this interview with Andy led me to actually check out the website. I was blown away by the vast amount of free content, which you don't get on most other sites. One of the free downloads was an interview with a young man named Oliver. It was his interview that caused me to see that SLS is completely different than any other M/M website I'd ever been on. It was obvious from the interview with Oliver that there's a relationship between the SLS owner and the guys he employs as models. I'll list the differences I saw numerically:

1) None of the guys at SLS are spankos. They don't make the videos because they have a spanking fetish. They make the videos initially for the money. But then they return because Dave (the website owner) is such a nice guy and because each guy has their own fans. It's making those fans happy that keeps them coming back. I should add that Dave absolutely refuses to hire guys who are desperate for money, such as guys about to be evicted or who are homeless. He feels that these are temporary situations and he's afraid that once the guy gets the problem taken care of, he'll regret having made the movie.
2) There is absolutely no sexual touching amongst the lads or with Dave. There's nothing at all overtly sexual in the videos (except when the occasional act of masturbation is filmed and then, it's never seen going to its logical conclusion). Yes, you see the lads naked and yes, you see their penises but there's never any mention of it or any sexual talk at all.
3) The guys really are straight guys.They are regular guys with regular jobs and girlfriends. Most of them turn handsprings to keep their families and girlfriends from finding out what they do (more on that later).
4) There's a trust and a friendship between Dave and the guys. They aren't just paid models. Dave has helped some of them get jobs, given them money when they were broke and helped them out of other scrapes as well. I'm not saying that models on other sites don't have trust and friendship, but on the M/M sites I've been on, it doesn't come across.
5) The videos almost always have a highly moral tone to them. Whether Dave is portraying the "Dad" character or the character of the community spanker, Mr. X, he always makes it clear that the SLS world is one where people respect each other. Quite a few of the videos have a scenario where a mother or girlfriend is disrespected in some way and Dave makes it clear that mothers and elders are to be treated with the respect they deserve. Some of the members find this attitude "preachy" and just want to see the guys get naked and get spanked. Most of us ladies on the site (and there are a lot of us) want a build up to the spanking. Things like stealing, lying and not keeping your word aren't tolerated and are dealt with harshly. In fact, part of the charm of the website (for me, anyway) is that SLSville, as we fans call it, seems to exist outside of reality. In reality, corporal punishment has been out of the schools for more than 30 years. So there's a whole generation of people who never felt the cane or slipper at school. Things changed around the home, too because most of the young men who film for Straight Lads Spanked admit they have never been spanked before. Physical discipline used to be a very big part of the English culture and it's in that past era that SLS operates. The young men know when they arrive that a spanking is imminent. In real life, what they would earn a trip over Mr. X's knee for in SLSville, they would probably get clean away with. 

Now, I mentioned that Dave plays a number of characters. The first one I saw was Mr. X. Mr. X is the "community spanker". He wears a mask (similar to an executioner's mask) because he lives in the community and if the guys knew who he was, he would get all kinds of retribution. In real life, Dave simply can't show his face on camera. He owns and runs a business and he just can't risk it. So the Mr. X character was invented to explain why the man doing the spanking is behind a mask. When the young men in the community mess up and their parents or girlfriends or employers can't or won't deal with them, they can send them to Mr. X and, for a fee, have them punished. 

 When he plays the "Dad" character, he wears a mask that was made here in the US by a special effects expert. Dave in real life isn't old enough to be the father of any of the guys (except maybe the youngest ones) and so he has to look older. The mask certainly does this.

The mask has its advantages and its drawbacks for both Dave and the fans. For the fans, the mask is sometimes distracting. It's obviously not an attractive look and it's probably not meant to be. It also sometimes muffles his speech and, as Dave is Scottish, he's sometimes hard to understand anyway. For Dave, wearing the mask is uncomfortable, especially in hot weather. But he doesn't have any other option for now. Maybe someday when SLS is so incredibly successful he can quit his day job he'll be able to show his face on camera. I've seen him without the mask and he's a very nice looking guy. However, there are advantages to the mask as well. Before Dave got the "Dad" mask, he had to film in such a way that his face never showed on camera. So we are left with a man with no head and the guys having to make sure that the angles capture their expressions, but not Dave's. Easier said than done, I'm afraid.

Now, last fall someone on Fetlife (that I consider a friend) posted a writing describing how "ill" Straight Lads Spanked made him. Of course, without being a member or knowing anything about the website, except possibly what he'd heard from others, his other friends jumped on the bandwagon in an effort to get the gay members of Fetlife up in arms about this website, which according to this guy, was run by a homophobic gay-hating piece of crap. He went on to talk about "gay peril" and other topics that made no sense to someone like me, who was a member. So, in an effort to inject some facts into the discussion, I very calmly informed him (and the others who were jumping on the bandwagon) that Dave lives openly as a gay man and that he makes no secret of his fetish for straight young men. I asked, in all seriousness, what sense it would make for a gay man to pour his money, his time and his blood, sweat and tears into a website just so he can promote his homophobic views. Dave is always very happy to discuss his philosophy with anyone who wants to know and so in a private message to this friend, I offered to give him Dave's email address (his public one for the website, not his private one, which I don't have) but he really wasn't interested in going on any kind of fact finding mission. He said it was offensive having the word "straight" in the website name and I offered, publicly, to poll the gay members of the site to see if any of them were offended by the site's name. No, he wasn't interested in hearing the opinions of paying members. He wanted to hear from the gay community at large, most of whom have probably never heard of Dave or his low budget website. No matter what facts I presented or how calmly I debated those facts, no one wanted my opinion and, after I schooled him, he deleted the writing. Now, I told that story just to show the misconceptions and biases that surround this simple website. It all started because a few years ago, Dave began to notice that there was a gap in the M/M spanking market for videos that had a punishment theme without the sexualization of the subject. So he did what any other enterprising person would do and he started his own website to fill that gap. Despite the fact that the website originates in the UK, it was a very American thing to do. Many gay websites openly endorse Dave and his non-gay, non-sexual spanking website. SLS has gay members, both male and female, and many gay men follow the site on Twitter. So my take on this whole thing is that the gay community at large is pretty much OK with Dave and his website. 

Now I'll introduce you to some of the lads that make Straight Lads Spanked so special. Please know that, over the years, a lot of young men have come and gone (and a few have come back periodically) so I'm only going to mention guys who are actively filming. First, I want to talk about Oliver.

Oliver has done a lot for Straight Lads Spanked. He first filmed in July, 2012 so he goes back almost to the beginning of the website. He has brought his brother, Fred in to film and also has brought a lot of his friends in. He's one of the best actors on the site and he acts with his whole body, including his incredible eyes. He was the first actor (though not the last as we'll see later) to bring genuine emotion to a movie. I think that that alone should show the casual observer what kind of relationship Dave has with this models. As someone who has spent years in the spanking scene, I can assure you that genuine emotion only happens with someone you trust completely and feel comfortable with. I should also point out the obvious in that it's no easy feat getting a young man to share his vulnerability, but Oliver did that in a couple of his films and if you're a fan of real emotion, then you would have no problem being a fan of Oliver.

Next, Andy Lee. I mentioned Andy before when I was discussing his brother, Patrick. Andy, like Oliver, is a mainstay on the site. He appeared in the first thing Dave ever filmed, before he even had a website. I have no idea how they met, but Andy has shot for a ton of other adult sites and is in fact very active in the adult industry (and not just spanking). Andy has a regular job working on the oil rigs in the North Sea, super dangerous work that you have to be highly trained and in shape for.

As much as I like Andy, I think because of his size and strength he should be the one doing the spanking instead of taking it. He has spanked other lads on the site, including two of his brothers. He's divorced with a three-year-old son. I follow Andy on Twitter and he follows me. He's a charming Irish guy who can melt you, but he's also a shameless self-promoter (not that there's anything wrong with that). I've always believed that if you have it you should flaunt it. And Andy does. He's notoriously well endowed. But big dicks don't really do much for me at my age. I do love his muscles and his ink. In the interview this still was taken from, he said "hello" to me and thanked me for supporting him on Twitter.

Next, I want to talk about Karl. Karl is another one that goes back almost to the beginning. He began filming as an 18-year-old. He was brought in by his buddy, Liam whom he knew because they both boxed at the same gym. Karl isn't great with dialogue, but he can take a heck of a spanking.

Like Oliver, Karl uses his eyes to convey what he's feeling when words fail him and they often do. The thing about Karl was that he seemed to be there one minute and gone the next. In fact, he was gone from the site for nearly two years before returning recently. In a very frank interview, he talked about serving time in jail, his bout with testicular cancer and living in his car. Many of us, who practically watched Karl grow up before our eyes, care about him and I was saddened and horrified to learn that a cancer stricken young man was living in his car (having been tossed out by his girlfriend for texting other women). As much as Karl's plight tugged at my heartstrings, there was another element to this story that made me a bit angry at him. When he got out of jail, he apparently met a young woman with two little girls. As the relationship grew and he moved in, these little girls believed that Karl was their daddy. In fact, Karl posted loving family photos of himself with the woman and her children on his Facebook page. Hopefully, Karl was able to get her to forgive him and let him move back home. 

Next, my favorite guy on the site, Wayne. Wayne is one of what I call the Four Mates (I know it sounds like a singing group). Wayne was brought to the site by his mate, Dom. The Four Mates consist of Dom, Wayne, Adam and Harry. Any combination of this quartet is bound to be a hit with fans.

For me, Wayne is the total package--handsome, muscular, a good actor, has beautiful blue eyes, a gorgeous bottom with a tattoo on it and his pout turns me into a puddle of girl goo. His accent drives me bonkers because most of the time, I have a hard time understanding him. Wayne is what most people in England might call a "chav". Google that if you're unfamiliar with the term. Wayne's "character" on SLS is that of a young man, usually a window washer, who can't seem to resist the temptation to steal. He's been sent to Mr. X several times for stealing from customers. He's also played a young man caught smoking pot at school and a friend of Adam's who takes the blame for bringing pot into the house (see a pattern here?). 

Next, Wayne's buddy, Dom. I don't know where to start with Dom. He's probably the best actor on the site right now. He's brilliant with dialogue and has natural comedic timing. He's also pretty easy on the eyes and can take a very hard spanking. The bad news is that he marks like crazy. 

 Besides being a terrific actor, Dom has a few other things going for him, too. He looks amazing OTK and manages to stay in character no matter how hard the spanking gets. His specialty is the "domestic" scenes though he's been to see Mr. X numerous times. Like Karl and a few others, Dom started at SLS when he was just eighteen. Of the Top Ten films on the site, Dom is in five of them. His popularity is obvious. We haven't seen anything new from him since summertime so I'm hoping he'll come back and do some more. I hate to think we've seen the last of Dom.

Next, there's  Adam. Adam wasn't even on my radar before I joined. I spent a lot of time looking at the free content, including the preview videos. Adam just didn't look like anything special to me. Then, when I joined I watched his first video, which he filmed with Dom. He was perfect! He has a sweet face, lovely blue/gray eyes, blushes adorably, has cute fangs and does regretful and embarrassed better than anyone on the site. Like Karl and Dom, Adam was just eighteen when he first started shooting for SLS.

In this photo, you see the cute fangs and adorable blush. Adam is quirky and I like quirky. I also think it's entirely possible that on some level he likes being spanked. What I would really love is to see  Adam shoot something by himself, without one of his mates with him. I'm not sure if he's shy about filming alone or what, but I would love to see it. He does the domestic scenes very well. He did a very good video with Wayne that remains a favorite of mine. 

Adam and Wayne work so well together because they're real life friends. Even their girlfriends are friends with each other. Dave stated that the dialogue between Adam and Wayne that preceded the spanking in this video was the most natural exchange that he's ever seen. That happened because Adam and Wayne have known each other since they were boys. That friendship is part of the magic that happens when any of these four young men film together.

Next, the forth piece in this delicious pie, Harry. Harry came to SLS even before Dom. He was brought by his buddy, Fred, who in real life is Oliver's brother. Harry is a tough guy. Seeing him spanked is a thrilling experience for me. Like Wayne, he's muscular. He has an aura of toughness around him. Wayne shows his vulnerable side, whereas Harry just won't. 

Harry is a pretty cool, laid back guy. Dave said that, in the beginning, Harry had a problem getting spanked by another man. Harry comes across on film as a pretty likable bloke. He usually plays bullies and recently filmed a sequel to "Dad Found Twitter" because, in the original film with Dom, many of the high jinks listed were actually Harry's doing. That's another thing I love about SLS...the stories are often connected. I think Harry is still embarrassed about talking about spanking. I think he's perfectly OK doing it, but talking about it is a different matter. 

Next, I want to talk about Paul because I find him very  interesting. A few people on the website don't like Paul. Either he's too skinny or he doesn't react to his spankings strongly enough or he's not "hot" enough. Also, at 24, Paul is bit too old for some members' taste.

And Paul, although he's not my type physically, is exactly what I love about Straight Lads Spanked. Dave gives us a nice mix of different kinds of guys. No, Paul isn't a muscular "hottie". We have Andy and Wayne and Harry for that. Paul marches to his own drummer and that's what I like about him. He used to be in the Army and hearing him say "Yes, sir!" you get that right away. He's cheeky and defiant and some people don't like that. His personality demands that you conquer him on his own terms. Paul showed up for his first shoot in Spongebob underwear so I liked him right away. I sincerely hope that Dave brings Paul back so that we get to see him again. I would hate to think that Paul doesn't come back because no one liked him.

Next, I want to discuss Dean, a newcomer to SLS. He's nineteen and just shot his first two movies about the time I joined last September. Paul is interesting because he's the first mixed-race guy that I've seen on the site. That doesn't mean that his ethnicity drives the story. It's never been discussed. I just happened to notice it.

Like Paul, there are some people on the website who aren't fond of Dean. I rather like him. He's slim but with a muscular build (rather like Dom) and he's fantastic when it comes to dialogue. Not only does he ad-lib well, but I can understand him. He may have been to the States or something because, while his accent is pronounced, he speaks clearly. I also love his tattoos, which I can't read to save my life. Dean is also demonstrative when it comes to his reactions. That doesn't mean that he screams and wriggles all over the place, but he just lets you know that whatever just happened to him a lot. In this first video, I thought he was going to hyperventilate. Anyway, time will tell as to how long Dean's career at SLS lasts.

Next, we have Jay. Jay is one of those guys who goes way back with SLS. He left for a while and when he returned, it was with a bang. He had slimmed down and toned up and he looked fabulous. Not that he looked bad before, mind you, but he just looked better.

I'll be honest and say I never used to care that much for Jay, despite his obvious beauty. He was one of those guys that I always felt overreacts to his spankings. Not that his reactions are fake, mind you. Dave truly only wants to film the models' real and honest reactions and Jay has a very low pain tolerance. However, his last two movies have been gems. He plays a young man banned from competing in martial arts competitions because he was caught using illegal enhancements. His last movie, in which he finally goes home to his father after being gone for three weeks is a total tearjerker, something you simply don't get with most other M/M sites. I commended both Jay and Dave for their parts in that movie. Jay showed he has improved on dialogue substantially. I'm looking forward to more from Jay, though I hope he doesn't leave his cheeky character behind. Even though I don't care for his dramatics in some of his other movies, it's the fact that we get variety with Jay that sets him apart.

OK, those are some of the guys who shoot for the website. I deliberately showed most of them not getting spanked because I want you folks to see their faces. In this section, I'm going to show how great they look naked. Nudity doesn't have to be sexual, let me say that right off the bat. I have a great appreciation for the nude form, whether it be men or women. I think bare skin is the most beautiful thing in the world. So for me, seeing an attractive young man without his clothes on doesn't immediately get me all hot and bothered. But I do love it when I see it done tastefully. Dave uses nudity in the Mr. X films to add to the guys' embarrassment. If it was just about the pain, the "punishments" wouldn't be nearly as effective. Getting put over a man's knee when you're a young man yourself isn't easy for most of these lads, but they say it gets easier the more they do it. And I want to point out that Dave doesn't do all the spanking at SLS. The lads have made films where, for various reasons, they spank each other. But here's a sampling so that you get an idea of the nudity on the group and why you still have to be 18 to be a member.

Here's Adam in his very first video, which he shot with Dom. Adam, as you can see, not only looks great OTK, but he looks great in the raw, too. He's got pale skin so he gets red easily and he has a very cute, slightly furry bottom. I love this photo because not only is his bottom red, but his other cheeks blush so sweetly. It's that blush that I talked about before.

Here's Glen, a cute 26-year-old Aussie guy. I didn't put him in the other section because he's only made one film so far. I have a thing for guys with nice quads (that would be thigh muscles for those of you who aren't familiar with that term) and Glen's are first rate. His bottom also gets nice and red. Hopefully, Glen will be back.

Here's two naked guys for the price of one...Adam spanking his mate, Harry in the wheelbarrow position. This occurred in one of the Spank Jenga rounds. I mentioned before that the guys sometimes spank each other and this is one of those times, during a game or contest. Harry has lost and getting spanked by his mates in this revealing position was his forfeit. Harry got a bit annoyed, but you have to admit he looks very attractive in this position.

Here's Dom being spanked naked by Mr. X. When he made his first film, like many as an 18-year-old, a few on the website criticized him as too skinny and too pale, despite his obvious acting talent. Lo and behold, Dom emerged for his next shoot with a nice tan and some very nice muscle definition. He looks gorgeous OTK, don't you agree?

Here's Harry, also being spanked naked by Mr. X for being a bully. Harry has a lot going for him, including awesome quads and a round smooth bottom that gets really red. Even though he's forcing Dave to deal with his arm here, don't doubt for one second who the stronger of the two is here. 

This is the delightful Parker, seen here getting sorted out by Mr. X for being a bully at the bank where he works. I didn't introduce Parker because I don't know if he'll be back. I hope he does more filming because he was terrific with dialogue, was cheeky and had a ton of attitude and also his adorable bottom gets a cute shade of red. Oh, and Parker kicks his feet.

This lovely lad is Tommy. Unfortunately, Tommy doesn't shoot for Straight Lads Spanked anymore. But he was gorgeous, take my word for it. He was a big, beefy guy (and a leg kicker too so that's a plus) with lovely baby blues. When it comes to guys who have moved on, I just sigh and wonder "what if?" 

These lovely bottoms belong to Adam and Wayne. They're about to get the belt because they got caught with pot and helped themselves to "Dad's" rum. Now you can see that their bottoms are already red. That's because they have already been hand spanked. The next picture will help explain why Adam's bottom looks so much worse than Wayne's, even though Wayne has bruises that are healing up (from doing a film where he gets the bath brush just the week before).

Wayne and Adam engage in a spanking competition, which Wayne won. Adam's poor bottom was absolutely a mess when Wayne got done with him, showing that Wayne can dish it out as well as take it. Adam did finally give in and I don't blame him. As an incentive to win, Dave always gives the winner twice as much money as the loser. Some site members don't like these competitions because they're so much into the "punishment" aspect that they can't lighten up and enjoy the fun of seeing two straight friends spank each other for money.

This is why I love Andy as a spanker. Few of the lads are big enough to take him on. The "victim" here is Andy's younger brother, Dan. Dan was a very bad boy...he got caught selling drugs. What I love most about this scene with Andy and Dan is the size difference between the two. Dan looks like a child over Andy's knee. Right after this was shot, Dave did an interview with both Andy and Dan where Dan called Andy a c&^t. Dan had just turned eighteen a few days earlier so I'm sure Andy took Dan out for a drink, man to man to make up for it.

Yes, I know I've shown Wayne before, but not OTK. This was his first shoot and that's Dom standing off to the side. To me, Wayne is like Bazinga! He's absolutely the perfect male spanking model. The tattoo on his bottom reads "I Heart Will And Dom". Dom paid for the tattoo and I think getting it on his bottom was part of a drunken dare. I always warn people about being inked under the influence. Don't do it.

While I agree that there's nudity (and a lot of it frontal) there's also moments of friendship and caring, not just with Dave but among the lads themselves. Some of these moments can only be described as heartwarming.

Now, I ask you, who doesn't just love a boy and a dog? This is Karl and Dave's puppy, Daisy in "Broken Curfew". Notice that Karl is wearing a pajama shirt over his clothes because he's going to sneak out of the house and he's exhorting Daisy to keep mum about it. Who among us didn't try this at least once? I'd like to hear from anyone who managed to get away with it.

Many times, Dave has the lads portraying themselves as "on the outs" as they say, meaning that they aren't getting along for some reason. Many of the scenarios involve problems with girlfriends or falling out over some other stupid thing. Here, Adam and Dom shake hands and make up after they accused each other of stealing money they both took.

Even though Adam is obviously more enthusiastic about the handshake than Dom, you can tell by Dom's expression that all is forgiven. This was Adam's first film and I thought he was wonderful in it. Of course, Dom is always fantastic, but I really thought Adam stole the show from him. I think it's sweet though that Dom is shaking Adam's hand with one hand and rubbing his bottom with the other. Oh, the bottom rubs...I could do a whole other post about those. 

In this photo, big tough Andy Lee tenderly tucks his younger brother, Dan back into bed after pulling the covers off him and spanking the snot out of him. What other site gives you scenes like this? None that I know of. The fact that Andy and Dan are real life brothers makes this even sweeter. Andy even says "I love you" to him before leaving. I have been on tons of M/M sites and I can guarantee you I never heard "I love you" in any of them. 

Domestic scenes lend themselves well to this kind of affection. The next clip I'm about to discuss is still number one on the Top Ten. It stars Oliver as a young man who's sunk about as low as a man can sink. He cheated on his pregnant girlfriend, had to move back home and in an attempt to get some money to sort out a legal problem, he steals his mother's engagement ring and pawns it. This movie is nearly an hour long and that alone should make it popular, but it's the standout performance of Oliver as the poor sod down on his luck that got members all excited. Oliver takes over half an hour of hard spanking, much of it with a bath brush that leaves him bruised and sobbing. Afterward, there's some brief dialogue where Dad tells Oliver how much he and his mother love him. Before he leaves, Dad does this:

A head rub is always cool for me. "Dad" had already rubbed cream on his bottom to sooth it. I should mention that the Bath Brush Beating films are always Mr. X films. This was the first time it had been used in a domestic scene. After that hard beating, I think Oliver wanted some assurance that it was over and this is how Dave showed it.

Two weeks ago, we hit the mother lode. Jay plays a martial artist disgraced by being caught doping in a competition. He spends three weeks away from home, too ashamed to face his father. When he does return, racked with remorse and completely humiliated, he starts crying before any spanking even takes place. This was the forth installment of this particular series and Jay was heavily into his character by this time. I think it's highly likely that Jay brought some kind of emotional turmoil to the character. He begs his father to punish him for the shame he's brought on the family and a reluctant "Dad" does so. When it's all over, eureka, we get the "big moment"...Jay reaches out to Dave and the two embrace as Jay sobs and even Dave chokes up.

I guess I'll close this post by reiterating that there is nothing disgusting or sleazy about the movies that Dave makes for Straight Lads Spanked. Yes, we occasionally get the physical goodies (especially if Andy is involved) but more often than not, it's the emotional aspect, even in the Mr. X films, that ends up being what members love most. I should add that, because Dave is such a presence on the website and answers our questions and takes our recommendations to heart, we all feel great affection for Dave. I'm an ocean apart from him and even I love the guy. It's easy to see why his models love and respect him. And there's nothing sleazy about that.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

"You've Been A Bad Girl!" or Perceptions On Punishment

One of my all-time favorite bloggers opened a thread on her Fetlife group asking about "just because" spankings. Her post was very thought provoking, at least for me. My response to her questions were pretty brief and to the point, even though there was more I wanted to say on the subject. Unfortunately, I've learned that my opinions aren't really welcomed on Fetlife so I confine them to the pages of this blog. Her question involved not only "just because" spankings (which I happen to love) but also asked, for people that are living with a spanker or D-type, how they felt about the fact that they usually keep tabs on behavior in order to discipline at a later time. First of all, the thought of someone taking note of things I do in order to call me to account for it later doesn't sit very well with me. I understand that there are those who like and need that kind of structure in their lives. I can even understand someone enjoying it as a fetish. But...not everyone is on the same page when it comes to such behaviors. I probably should have covered this in my previous post because a lot of people come into the spanking scene thinking that punishment spankings and discipline spankings and maintenance spankings are what "everyone" does. I believed that, once upon a time. You see, when I first joined the spanking scene, my first order of business (besides going out and pantie shopping) was getting in touch with other female bottoms to get some idea of "how it's done", not realizing that there IS no one way to do it. My first mistake was thinking that these ladies were merely bottoms like I was. It wasn't until later, after I had observed their behavior at parties, that I realized that most of them were submissives and that I had been led down a road I had no real desire to go down. One of those ladies advised me to get a disciplinarian because "it can't be fun all the time". She even suggested a man for the job; a friend of hers who was into punishment that the tagline surrounding him was "whatever Mr. Miller wants, Mr. Miller gets". Well, I have to admit that I liked this guy. I'd played with him at a few parties and I enjoyed his company so what could it hurt? My sister and I both were trying to quit smoking and every other way had failed. Maybe this way would work? So we entered into an agreement with this guy. He didn't insist that we not smoke at all right off the bat. The arrangement was that we had to tell him how much we were smoking. If we decreased from the previous "report" we got good girl spankings. If we increased, we got punishment spankings. His punishments were severe I'll add right here. He had a very menacing razor strap and he used that for punishment along with a thick rubber strap that his girlfriend had christened "Mother F*&#%r". And it was! You had to bend over a chair and he would give you 75 full arm swings with the razor strap with no warm up. He always gave me the option to safe out anytime I felt it was too much for me. My sister got the same consideration. Now, I know some people who read this are going to get their panties in a bunch because they don't believe that safe words are appropriate during a punishment spanking. However, I will not get spanked under any circumstances without one so that's that. And he didn't like working without safe words either. Turns out, I never did safe out. And believe me, the punishments were hard, even for a masochist like me.

This photo was taken following a typical punishment. Before he took the photo, he had to wipe all the blood off. I realize he could have just taken the picture with the blood, but that wasn't something either of us was into. 

As we went along in our relationship, a funny thing began to happen. Not only was this guy our disciplinarian, but he was a play partner as well and Carol and I always looked forward to getting together with him. But, as time went on, I began to feel a bit of animosity towards him. I realized that my attitude wasn't right. I wasn't making any real effort to quit smoking. The punishments, as unpleasant as they sometimes were, weren't proving any kind of deterrent to my smoking. I really liked playing with this guy though. So one day, the three of us sat down and talked about what we wanted to accomplish, something we should have done before all of this started. He finally decided to break our agreement because, as he said, we would both quit smoking when we were ready to. He said we hadn't really taken the agreement seriously and he was right. I only entered into the agreement because someone else told me that was how it was done. It was the first really valuable lesson I learned in my journey. So now I  tell newbies to just do what feels right and don't listen to what anyone else says. Take advice when you need to, of course, but don't let anyone tell you "it can't be fun all the time" if that's not how you feel about it. Don't let anyone tell you that you do it wrong because they don't do it the way you do it. Don't bow down to peer pressure.

Now, this entry isn't to demonize folks who do punishment spankings as part of their dynamic. Far from it, actually. I think everyone has to do things the way that makes them happiest and fulfills them. But...there seems to be a prevailing attitude in the scene that punishment spankings are automatically part of the scene. I get messages from men all the time, both newbie and experienced, who ask me what I do for punishment. When I tell them I don't do punishments, they are shocked, as if the thought never occurred to them that there are bottoms out there who just play for fun. I always ask them "What's so unusual about that? Did you expect everyone to be the same?" I think the problem is that so many people, both tops and bottoms, come into the scene having done nothing but watch spanking videos and read spanking erotica. So the assumption is that, if this is what's being shown and written about, it must be the norm. Now don't get me wrong here. Video producers have to do what sells and that means that normally, there needs to be some kind of build up to the spanking. You can't just turn on the lights, get the players into position and then turn on the camera. A misbehavior/punishment scenario is one most of us can relate to. You see, when a person first decides to get active in the spanking scene, the only thing they have to draw on is their past experiences. And for most of us, that was punishments we received as children, coupled with seeing spankings on TV and in the movies. And those always involve a punishment scenario of some kind. From there, it's just a Pavlovian response. So when many people decide to start spanking or getting spanked themselves, this is what they know. So they assume it's the way things are. Assumptions aren't capital offenses and we shouldn't treat a person who's ignorance of the scene causes him or her to make those assumptions like pariahs. We should educate them so that they know not to continue to make those assumptions. do we do that without making it look like we're being judgmental jerks? Well, as with most things kink related, good communication is paramount. I just tell the men (and some women) who want to spank me that punishment spankings aren't my cup of tea. I say it without the recoil that you sometimes see when someone mentions a kink you're not into ("Ewwwww!!" "creepy!" "You're a sicko!"). Of course, I've been told by more than one D-type that I'm just in denial about my "need" for discipline. When that happens, then I feel I'm no longer obligated to be nice because now they're making a back door attempt to push their kink on me. And that's an assumption,too--that the female bottoms in the scene are so pliable that we can be bent in any direction those D-types want us to go. Not true. The "you're in denial" accusation is peer pressure bordering on bullying and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a bully. Peer pressure, just like it was in high school, is alive and well in the spanking scene. "Everyone does it this way" is an attitude that I allowed to dictate to me what I should and shouldn't do. That didn't last long, believe me. I have always had my own thoughts and opinions about things. In fact, my mother often told me I was too clever for my own good because I was always thinking as a child and that didn't change once I reached adulthood. People who can think for themselves are somewhat rare in this world, never mind the spanking scene. 

Some people view me as a breath of fresh air, some view me as a bore. And some, believe it or not, are hostile to me. Ah well, I can't change any one's mind. I'll just continue to be myself. Some will love that, some won't. But just know that just because you're a spanko and in the scene doesn't mean you do it wrong if you're not into punishments. It doesn't make you vanilla, as some have accused me of. It just means that you do things a bit differently. And that's OK.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Myth vs. Reality

Author's Note: Today's entry involves me trying to sort the differences between myths that exist in the spanking scene vs. the truth. This is my truth only. I make no claims to speak for anyone else. If you're looking for your own reality, you'll have to do that yourself. Although I'll try to be sensitive, some of the language could get a bit, shall we say, salty.

Let's be honest. There are a lot of myths in the spanking world. These are views perpetuated not only by the preponderance of spanking porn and erotic literature (thanks, 50 Shades), but also by people's own notions based on consuming these products. Unfortunately, the myths are self-perpetuating. Whenever someone makes an attempt to explode these myths, people get on the defensive. So I thought, speaking only for myself, I would try to dispel some of these myths. In my opinion, they're harmful to the scene as a whole and to people as individuals. So, here we go. Better have your earplugs handy. This could get loud.

Myth # 1

Spanking is sex.

I have no idea how this one got started or why it still exists. I guess some people don't know the difference between being smacked on the ass and having one of your holes screwed. OK, I admit that spanking has a sexual component. It feels good and you take your pants off to do it, for crying out loud. And for a lot of us, spanking IS part of our sexuality. But it is NOT sex. Sex means someone's dick is in me. Unless I'm being penetrated, it's not sex. Someone else might have a different opinion, but it's just that--an opinion. Many people also can't separate the two and can't even think of doing one without the other. All well and good for you, mate but don't pretend to speak for all of us, OK? I can do spanking just fine without sex. In fact, I prefer to keep the two separate. So let's review: getting smacked on the ass, no matter how hot and bothered it makes you, isn't sex. It can certainly lead to it, but it's not sex. I know people who use spanking as foreplay, but in my mind, they aren't what I would call "hardwired" spankos. They're definitely kinky, but not a spanko by my definition.

Myth # 2

Spanking is effective for changing behavior in adults.

This one annoys me like almost nothing else. Fetlife and other kink sites are filled with discussions about how all you really need is a tough, no-nonsense dom-type to administer tough, no-nonsense spankings and you can quit smoking, lose weight, get out of debt and any of the other myriad human conditions spanking is supposed to "cure". Spanking is effective with children because their brains are still forming and they haven't had enough life experience to know not to do stupid things. In adults, the brain is fully formed and the personality fully realized. And we've had enough life experience to know that doing stupid things brings natural consequences. The notion that you can spank an addiction (such as cigarettes or food) out of someone is ludicrous on its face. An addicted person will do whatever they have to do to get that fix. The threat of a spanking is a small price to pay. A person who's addicted must WANT to quit. And in that area, it's possible that spankings for rewards might work as a motivator for someone to whom spanking is pleasurable. I see one bottom person after another posting about how their dom-type is helping them with their laziness and procrastination. I guess I can see that working, again using reward spankings as a motivator. But using punishment spankings on an adult in order to get them to do things differently? Not effective in the long term in my opinion.

Myth # 3

M/F spanking reinforces traditional gender roles that are unhealthy in a modern society.

OK, I'll play along with this one. I'm a straight female and I love getting spanked by men. I admit it...gleefully. If you listen to new wave feminists, whose radical sisters once proclaimed that ALL sex was rape, getting spanked by a man simply perpetuates the patriarchal society that so many people worked so hard to topple. After all, it wasn't that long ago when there were laws on the books that made it permissible for a husband to discipline his wife the same way he did his children (at the same time, he also had the right to demand sexual favors from her and that's creepy). Men ran everything and women had no rights. They couldn't vote, couldn't own property and couldn't make their voices heard in public forums on anything but domestic issues. They were second class citizens. And that needed to change. However, getting spanked consensually because you enjoy it does NOT mean that the person getting spanked wants it lorded over her outside the bedroom. Besides, there must be some reason why women want this kind of arrangement--where the man makes the rules and they both agree that she should get suitably punished when she breaks one of those rules. We've come a long way...even if that means we choose to live a D/s or Head of House or Taken In Hand relationship. These things aren't my cup of tea, but for others, they need it so who is it hurting?

Myth # 4

Spanking purges guilt.

Well, this one is in the eye of the beholder, isn't it? I have no idea how many people actually use spanking this way, but the number must be pretty large. So many bottoms and subs say that spanking clears the air that there must be something to it, right? I will agree that there's something quite wonderful about knowing that the slate has been wiped clean. If the spanking is given by someone they feel close to and trust and who they respect, then it's true that spanking can offer some release for negative emotions. But purging guilt? It's a very old concept that the sins of the flesh can be purged by flagellation. The Catholics were huge fans of that particular way of thinking. I suppose if a person does something wrong and gets spanked for it and that spanking makes them feel better, then I guess I have to grudgingly say that, yes, spanking can purge guilt. But for myself, it doesn't. I'm speaking only for myself here.

Myth # 5

All spankos were abused in some way as children.

This myth is perpetuated by films like "Secretary" and other erotica that vanillas watch and read. No sane, emotionally healthy and socially well adjusted person would ever allow another person to hit them, they reason. I once had a boyfriend who, when I asked him to spank me, offered to pay for my therapy. This myth is a very old one. In England, it's believed by many that all of the caning that went on in public (private) schools back in the old days made all the men sadomasochists. They believe that somehow, all of those spankings we received as children became eroticized in our brains as adults as a coping mechanism to deal with all the abuse we suffered. This is poppycock.I would guess someone has seen "A Dangerous Method" too many times. I know many, many spankos (particularly among the younger set) who were never spanked as children. That's not to say that they were raised in loving, functional families, but they never had the specter of physical punishment hanging over them. Anyway, loving discipline is a far cry from abuse, but that's an argument for another day.

Myth # 6

Spanko women are more inclined to want casual sex than vanilla women.

This is total hooey, probably promulgated by vanilla men who hope and pray this is true. It's been my experience that spanko women (and kinky women in general) are just as much inclined to want a loving, monogamous relationship as their vanilla sisters. It's true that some kinky women are down for hook ups with casual partners, but then so are vanilla women. This is probably one of the more harmful myths that exist today and it needs to be demolished with all speed. I know of vanilla guys who join kink sites because they subscribe to this myth...kinky girls are easy and will do it with anyone. Complete baloney.

Myth # 7

Fetlife is a sex/porn/hook up site.

If I had a dime for every guy who has told me "You're on a sex site, sweetheart" when I take them to task for leaving sexual comments on my photos, I'd be a millionaire. And I'm probably not far from wrong. I suppose Fetlife, because it's a social media site, can be used a lot of different ways, one of which is as a substitute for having to pay for a porn site or having to join an internet dating service. Fetlife is free to use and that makes it attractive to people who want things without having to pay for them. And since it's a free country, they're free to think what they wish. That doesn't mean I have to buy into it. I use Fetlife for keeping up with friends and for networking before events and to a lesser extent, for getting involved in discussions with like-minded people. I'm NOT on Fetlife to be living wank material for horny guys and I would suspect neither are most women.

Myth # 8

All the women who attend spanking parties should look like spanking models.

This one is a particular favorite of mine. Many, many spankos get their first exposure to adult spanking via videos. I'm no exception to that. My first exposure to spanking videos came through Shadow Lane and their Romance of Spanking philosophy. Indeed, all of their models conformed to society's notion of beauty (thin, pretty and decked out in heels and garters). It pretty much told me that women my age and weight could not get spanked in a "romantic" context. That's only for the knock outs and cuties. Then, I attended my first spanking party and that myth was definitely exploded. The only women at spanking parties who actually look like spanking models are...well...spanking models. The rest of us look like your normal everyday women. If you're a guy and you attend a spanking party thinking that all the women are going to look like the chicks you see in the videos, you are going to be sadly disappointed. Video producers are going to use what sells and beautiful women sell videos. But they aren't realistic, at least not in the sense that it's realistic to use spanking starlets as your yardstick for how every woman you spank should look. It's OK to have preferences, just keep them realistic if you ever expect to enjoy the party scene.

Myth # 9

Everyone who gets spanked is submissive and everyone who spanks is dominant.

Well, I've come across this one enough times to be fairly certain that it's pervasive. The problem is that the lines between BDSM and spanking have become majorly blurred. Many spankos dabble in or practice BDSM to one extent or another and many BDSM practitioners have a spanking fetish. The problem is that not everyone spanks or gets spanked to meet the same need. Yes, many spankos, both male and female, are submissive. And yes, many spankos, both male and female, are dominant. However, many of us (myself included) get spanked just because we enjoy the sensations it brings. Others simply want to temporarily cede control to someone else. Others like testing their limits, etc. There are lots of people out there calling themselves submissives who really don't know what it means because they think bottom and submissive is the same thing.  Same for tops calling themselves doms. It's a question of not knowing the lingo. It's pretty easily sorted, but still annoying because I encounter it so much. No, not everyone who gets spanked is submissive and not everyone who spanks is dominant.

Myth # 10

Nudity adds to a spankee's humiliation.

Another one that's in the eye of the beholder. If being naked embarrasses you, then yes I would have to say that nudity certainly adds to the humiliation of the scene. But if you're like me, an exhibitionist who enjoys being spanked, then no, it won't. It does heighten the feeling of vulnerability, but that's not the same as humiliation. There are dozens (probably more) of websites that specialize in what's known as CMNF (clothed male/naked female) or CFNM (clothed female/naked male) fetishes. The one who gets to keep their clothes on has the upper hand. In fact, the less clothing the person getting spanked is wearing, the less they feel in control. In other words, the person's sense of control is directly in proportion to how much clothing they're wearing. I see it debated in spanking groups all the time--the spankee should always be naked because it gets them into a submissive head space blah, blah, blah. If that's true for you, then go with that. But it's not true for all of us.

Myth # 11

Spanking should always be about punishment.

I should have put this one first because it never fails to infuriate me. It happens on Fetlife a lot. A top (ahem, sorry Dom) will come into a spanking group and ask about what the worst punishment you can give or how do you punish your submissive, etc. and if someone like me dares to say that spanking is fun for me and I don't do it as a punishment, then the poster invariably will jump on me and tell me to stay out of the conversation if that's my opinion. It's like they don't even want to hear someone else's thoughts on the matter or even to acknowledge the existence of people who spank for gasp fun. To them, spanking should always be about learning a lesson and being better behaved in the future. There's no room in their world for scenes that involve laughter, joking and enjoyment...unless it's the person doing the spanking enjoying it. When I tell these clueless wonders that consensual spanking means that both parties are supposed to enjoy it, they tell me to be quiet about things I don't know about, etc. All I can then do is pity their play partners.

Myth # 12

Men who get spanked by other men are gay or bisexual.

This can go back to Myth # 1 I suppose. I have long disliked the double standard that exists in the spanking world that says it's OK for women to get spanked by other women but not for men to get spanked by other men. I guess F/F scenes are acceptable because most men (if they're honest) like seeing two women together. I have a problem with party organizers banning M/M from their parties while promoting F/F scenes. I don't even think it's a result of homophobia. I just think it's a taboo that no one really wants to cross. To me, as long as it's spanking only (even if balls are touching thighs) it's straight. Now, if one guy is going to do another guy in the ass when the spanking is over, then yes it ceases to be straight, obviously. But I've known even gay and bisexual men who are perfectly willing and able to give a straight guy a spanking and enjoy it immensely without any sexual overtones whatsoever. A few of the women who have spanked me are bisexual or bi-curious and I have no problem with that as long as they respect that I'm straight and don't try anything with me. I think men who are comfortable getting spanked by other men should be able to say so openly without fear of having their masculinity questioned. They should also be free to play just as publicly at parties as women do.

Myth # 13

You can't enjoy getting hit anywhere but the bottom and still call yourself a spanko.

There's a lot of gray area in this one. Some say yes, some say no. Even though I love getting the fronts of my thighs caned, I still consider myself a spanko. Getting my thighs caned isn't something I have to have every time I play. Let's face it, not everyone is comfortable doing that. And it's not like I call getting the fronts of my thighs caned "spanking". I'm fairly certain that "body work" as it's  called isn't spanking. But just because I do other things besides spanking doesn't mean I'm not a hardwired spanko. I would say that enjoying that kind of play is just a manifestation of my masochism. And anyway, who doesn't like to try new things every once in a while?

Myth # 14

All older women in the spanking scene are just cougars looking for young guys.

I guess, the young guys chase the older women the same way the older guys chase the PYTs. I get messages from guys as young as 19 on Fetlife (which I read with strains of "Stacy's Mom" playing in my head). I have to wonder what a guy that young sees in a woman who's older than his mom? I'm not trying to perpetuate ageism here, but I really am curious. If I were a domme, I could maybe see the reasoning. But I'm a bottom and most of the young men who message me are either tops or switches exploring their top side. As flattering as it is, I have no desire to hit the sheets with a guy who can't get served in a bar (not that I  go to bars). Of course, I don't speak for everyone. There probably are older women on Fetlife who are looking for what we used to call a "boy toy". But it's not the rule.

Myth # 15

Every woman who gets spanked is looking for a daddy.

I can kind of see how this one got started. There are a lot of women in the spanking scene who are looking for security and boundaries because they never really had them growing up. But not every woman in the spanking scene has daddy issues. I had a perfectly good dad growing up and, while I miss him, I'm not looking to relive that experience. However, a lot of women in the spanking scene didn't have a good childhood and they might be looking to get some of that back. But it's a sweeping generalization to say that women in the spanking scene are just looking to be little girls again. There are age players and littles in the spanking scene, but that's another fetish entirely.

Myth # 16

Everyone who gets spanked is a masochist.

No, they're not. Some spankos, like yours truly, are masochists who enjoy the pain that spanking provides. But many, many spankos aren't into pain. They will accept it as a form of correction (if they have that dynamic) or they enjoy the power exchange that sometimes goes along with spanking. They might only endure the pain because they love the endorphins or because they love the rosy red glow of their bottom afterwards. The truth is that people engage in spanking play for a number of different reasons, the pain might be the least of it for some of them.

Myth # 17

If spanking turns you on, you're not a "true" spanko.

This is the opposite end of the spectrum from the "spanking is sex" crowd. These are people who believe that you can only be a true, hardwired  spanko if spanking doesn't arouse you. If it does, then you're just horny and using it as an excuse. The truth is, that a lot of people, both tops and bottoms, are turned on by spanking. But just because someone is aroused doesn't mean that anything else has to happen. I often get really turned on when being spanked, but I seldom do anything sexual with my play partners. The human sexual response in both males and females is involuntary (meaning people have no control over it) so it shouldn't even be an issue. Also, learn a little about anatomy. The bottom shares nerve bundles that echo right into the genitals so it should come as no surprise that spanking feels really, really good to most spankos. To say that, if it turns you on, then you're not real is disingenuous.

Myth # 18

Hard play causes nerve damage.

This is actually partly true. Hard play, continued over the course of many years, can cause nerve damage. The condition is known in the spanking scene as "leather butt". The skin on the bottom becomes tough and leathery, hence the name, and there can also be a decided loss of sensation. But I've been playing hard for about twelve years and it hasn't happened to me. My skin does get a bit leathery if I'm playing a lot, but I haven't experienced any kind of loss of feeling. Of course, individuals vary and your experience could very well be different. But I've heard this myth spouted by lighter players as a way to frighten or discourage newbies from playing hard. It's well known that the more a person plays, the more they can usually take. But this is just the body getting acclimated to a new activity; the same way we get used to exercise or lifting weights or jogging. It doesn't necessarily mean that you've done any kind of permanent damage to yourself.

Myth # 19

Your limits and safewords will always be respected at parties.

Unfortunately, I have firsthand experience with this one. At parties, we like to think that the dangerous types have been "weeded out" by the vetting process. Fortunately, this is mostly true. When I registered to attend my first party, I was called by one of the board members of the group and given a brief interview (despite the fact that my sister had just attended one of their parties). Some groups now require new attendees to be "sponsored" by a known member before they can attend. No matter how careful group leaders are, a predator will sometimes slip through the cracks in the system. I have had my safeword ignored and also have had men take sexual liberties with me. I handled those incidents myself without involving a board member. But I put the word out to others what had happened to me so that they could make informed decisions about whether or not to play with those people. It's a sad fact that no one is ever 100% safe, even at a big national party. But statistically you're safer at a big hotel party, where there are likely to be people close by all the time, than meeting a stranger on your own.

Myth # 20

It's possible to "convert" vanilla people into spankos.

We've all heard someone in the scene who brags about how they managed to convert a "totally vanilla" partner into a spanko. Would this were true because the world needs more spankos. However, I don't think it's possible, no matter how much seduction and technique you use, to convert a completely vanilla person into a spanko. Yes, you might be able to get that other person to tolerate or even enjoy the occasional spanking. But you will not turn them into an actual hardwired spanko. If that happens, then I'm sorry to tell you they weren't that vanilla to start with. Most of us who are hardwired discovered our spanking interest at a young age (I was about nine or ten) and spend years wondering what's wrong with us before we finally just accept ourselves as we are. Do not think that just because your partner likes a couple of smacks on the ass during sex that you've created a spanko. It's a lot more complicated than that, I'm afraid.

Myth # 21

Spanking is becoming more mainstream.

This is another one I wish were true, Yes, BDSM and spanking activities have been featured on shows like "Law And Order", "NCIS" and the various "CSI" franchises. It's also been explored in films like "Secretary" and the eagerly awaited and overly hyped "50 Shades Of Grey" film. However, that is hardly mainstream. The television shows that have featured spanking (including the ones I mention in my previous entry) and BDSM use it to show that something was "not quite right" about someone who may have been involved in those activities. Or they are used for comic reasons. I will accept that spanking has gone mainstream when a member of the spanking community makes a film in which people are seen enjoying adult spanking play in a healthy way (i.e. not as part of an unhealthy relationship or because of psychological trauma). So far, I haven't seen it. People celebrate "Secretary" like it's the greatest thing that ever happened to the spanking community because it shows two people exploring their kinky side. Please. She's a woman who just got out of the loony bin, who self harms, and who still lives at home with drunk and abusive parents. He's a perfectionist poseur who all the women who saw the film loved as a "truly dominant" man. Yeah, right. He doesn't even have the heart to kill the mice that he find in his office, choosing instead to use no-kill traps. Plus, there's that part where he hides in the closet when his ex-wife comes to the office to see him. 

Myth # 22

The spanking scene is more tolerant and accepting of people and their differences than the vanilla world.

This isn't a myth--it's a joke. There's just as much judgment and intolerance among the citizens of the spanking world as there is out there in Vanillaland. There might even be more. If you don't believe me, try this experiment. Go to the Fetlife profile of a random person and find a photograph of something that offends you. Then, leave a comment that says something like "This isn't my thing, but hey, if you get off on this, more power to you" and then sit back and watch the shit hit the fan. Or post a journal entry describing the time you were turned down for play at a spanking party because the guy you asked wanted to play with a cuter, younger, thinner girl than you. Then watch the wagons get circled. Like it or not, the spanking scene is exactly like being in middle school. You'll see examples of people being unfriended because they are friends with someone the other person doesn't like. You'll hear gossip and rumor reported as fact. People who like something a bit different than normal M/F spanking will feel the chill of all those cold shoulders brushing past them. There's more conformity and fear of being discovered to be "different" in the spanking scene than there is among kids in your average high school.

Myth # 23

Your attitude determines the amount of play you get at parties, not your appearance.

There was a time when this was true. When I first got active in the spanking scene, my twin sister and I were two of the youngest women in the group and we were 42 at the time. We weren't hideous or anything, but we weren't young or thin. That mentality changed after a few years. I don't know if the male tops became pickier or what, but I began to get turned down for play, something that never happened before. It used to be that people would tell newbies "just be approachable and friendly and you'll be fine". Even after twelve years, I'm as friendly and approachable as I've ever been. But the "no thank you"s are piling up. All the men want the fantasy girls they see in porn and spanking videos. Anyway, I've harped on this subject enough on this blog. Believe me or don't believe me. I've seen it firsthand. And nowadays, I think the men are starting to lean towards women who look like strippers rather than the wholesome girls that used to be in spanking videos. Anyway, here's something to try if you don't believe me. If you're an older, heavier and not as pretty spankee, go to a spanking party and ask an attractive, younger male top to play. You might get a "yes" if the guy knows you, but if you're a stranger, he'll more than likely pass. I see this happening more and more and it's disturbing.

Myth # 24

Everyone in the spanking scene is into roleplaying and costumes., they're not. It's true that a lot of spankos, both top and bottom, like a good roleplay scenario. Some scenarios, like schoolgirl/teacher, secretary/boss, husband/wife or cheerleader/principal, are tried and true and not very imaginative. Many tops enjoy roleplay because it lets them give what appears to be a punishment in a very non-threatening way. And a lot of bottoms like roleplay because it's fun and a chance to act a bit bratty. I myself am not a fan of roleplaying. I've done it plenty of times, but it's not really my thing. And I don't even do costumes on Halloween. Many, many spankos can enjoy themselves without costumes and roleplay.

Anyway, you get the idea. There are a lot of myths I chose not to cover because I don't want this entry to run on and on. Just remember this: if someone starts a sentence with "all" or "every", it's probably a blanket generalization and therefor, a myth.