Sunday, June 26, 2016

An Honest Look At Some Recent Play Dates

I guess the first thing I need to do with this post is apologize to my readers. I know it's been a really long time since I've posted anything. There are several reasons for this. First off, my life got a bit crazy. I have been working all the time and that doesn't leave much time (or energy, to be honest) for the mental gymnastics this blog sometimes requires. Another reason is that I, plain and simply, haven't had much to write about. I've had the odd play date here and there, but nothing steady. I'll get to those in a moment. I'm truly sorry that I have been neglecting this blog. When I first started it back in February, 2008 I was still really enthusiastic about the spanking scene, despite 2008 being my fifth year in the scene. I wanted to share my experiences with others in a way that was different than just posting it on Fetlife. I wanted the freedom to say what I wanted to say or what I felt needed saying without fear of being excoriated for it (which I have been on numerous occasions). It's not that I can't stand to be criticized. I can handle constructive criticism as well as the next person. I'm keenly aware that my views are unpopular, another reason I wanted a place to write my thoughts freely. For a long time, this blog served a therapeutic purpose. I didn't necessarily care if people agreed with me or not. I just wanted a place to get my feelings out. When my twin died, that became even more important because I had always had her to share all of my thoughts and feelings with. So now, for better or worse, I share them with the blogosphere.

Look that that lady. That's one happy spanko. Unfortunately, this photo is three years old. My life was quite a bit different back then. I had a different job, but I had many more opportunities to play it seemed. When it came to play, I was a lot busier than I am now. For some reason, I don't seem to be as desirable a play partner as I used to be. This realization caused a certain level of dissatisfaction to creep in. I still don't understand how my stock could plummet this far this fast, but I'm coming to grips with the fact that regular play for me (with a regular partner) is out of the realm of possibility for me right now. Things could change in the future so I'm not ruling it out, but several recent play dates have been disappointments for me. I don't mean the actual play. That was totally great in every case. But it looks like those are doomed to be one-offs and I won't be seeing those gentlemen anymore. 

The first play date of 2016 was with a local guy (within 15 miles of me). He had sent me a friend request and I sent him a message back saying that I don't accept friend requests without a message of introduction first. I thought for sure I had met him at a local event a couple of years previously, but he assured me we hadn't met. So we made plans to meet on a Friday. He was on time, which was nice, but I got the impression he was more interested in sex than spanking me. 

When he showed me to his bedroom (where we were going to play), imagine my shock at seeing just a bare mattress. There weren't even pillowcases on the pillows. Now don't get me wrong here. I don't need a formal set-up to play with someone. But it was January and I thought some blankets were warranted. Apparently, he didn't agree. I just think that when someone comes over to your house, have the bed made. And when we stopped for a break, there wasn't even anything in the house to drink. He offered me bottled water, which I took because I was dying of thirst. When we went into the kitchen, there was an open box of cereal on the counter (from breakfast?) and dirty dishes in the sink. As I said, I don't demand pristine conditions, but a little cleaning up if you're a bachelor isn't asking too much, is it? I had to keep encouraging him to spank me because he kept wanting to do other things. I don't think he's as much of a spanko as I thought.

The next play date was a month later, right before Valentine's Day. This was an older gentleman than I was used to playing with but I didn't let that put me off. We had quite a spirited exchange of messages and I was encouraged. He was polite and we talked about a lot of different subjects, including baseball (which gained him Brownie points with me). He admitted he was pretty new to this, but very eager to give it a try. He did talk about being a nudist and that made me a bit uncomfortable. But when the Big Day came, he messaged me about how excited he was and admitted he'd made a dry run to my house earlier in the week so he wouldn't get lost trying to find my house. He was a few minutes early but that was OK. Since it was so cold, I wore a sweater and jeans and felt that would have to do. When we got to his house, it was beautiful. He was retired, so he had time to spend keeping the place neat. He had lots of wooden figurines, which he had carved himself. The coolest thing of all (at least to me) was the little red Corvette he kept in his garage (it wasn't the car he picked me up in, though I would have been thrilled to have him pull up in that red beauty). We spent a lot of time talking, despite all the messages we'd sent each other on Fetlife. He was a widower, he told me. His wife had died of cancer five years previously. I told him I had lost my twin to cancer the same year and so we had that in common. I showed him my rather extensive toy bag, which he had asked to see. But I sensed a distinct lack of interest on his part. But when it came time to play, he was right there. His leather couch served as the perfect place for me to get over his knee. He spent a lot of time hand spanking me, which was OK. As a relative beginner, I thought concentrating on the warm up was a good thing. 

I figured his experience with implements was limited so I had him use simple things on me, mostly leather. To my surprise, he could bring it pretty well for someone who was inexperienced. After about an hour and a half of playing, he realized it was getting late and he asked me if I'd like to go get something to eat. Sure, that would be nice. Compared to the previous play date, who couldn't even be bothered to clean up the kitchen or put sheets on the bed, this was an amazing invitation. He took me to his favorite Chinese place and we had a lovely meal. I felt like somewhat of a pig because I ate the whole plate of food, which was substantial. I told him "You have to excuse me. I haven't eaten today." I didn't have the guts to tell him that it had taken me almost all day to get ready for this little date. I'd gotten up that morning and walked (in very cold weather) to the nail salon where I get my nails done. Then I came home and dyed my hair. After that, I got in the tub and did my shaving and everything. By the time all this was done, I had about half an hour to put my make up on. Since he had been married for so long, I figured he knew that women take a long time to get ready. Actually, I had been scheduled to work that day, but I'd been suspended for one day for making an error on a Western Union transaction. There had been a malfunction of the website and the money ($35) went to the wrong place. My direct supervisor had not wanted me to get in any trouble because she said it wasn't my fault, but the store manager is a bit of a meanie so I got the one-day suspension. 

When we returned to his house, we resumed our play, this time in the basement, where he had a table set up. It was warm down there and I asked him if he minded if I removed my sweater and of course, he didn't mind. We continued on, using the long straps and the cane. I was started to feel pretty toasted and I suggested we wrap it up. I noticed it was almost eleven o'clock and I had to be at work in the morning. The whole time he was driving me home, he gushed about what a great time he'd had. He asked if we could become regular play partners and I said of course. When he dropped me off in front of my house, I asked him to text me to let me know he got home alright. His text again said how much fun he'd had and he hoped I'd had as much fun as he had. Imagine my surprise when I got home from work the next day and read his message to me on Fetlife. In it, he said he had been disappointed in our session, that he had wanted someone who would get naked with him and I hadn't done that. I did go down to bra and thong though. And on a first date, which is unusual for me. I wrote him back, telling him that he had gushed about what a great time he'd had and that if me not getting naked was a dealbreaker he should have said. Then he back pedalled and told me that it was "too soon" after his wife's death for him to be seeing another woman. She had been dead for five years and it was too soon to have a play date with a woman? A play date he had suggested? His first message put the blame for his so-called disappointment squarely on me. Then when I called him on it, he changed his story. He did respond to my second message, but then he blocked me so I couldn't write him back. It was a shame because I really thought he had potential as a top.

I had all of March to lick my wounds because there was nothing else to do. Then, later that month, someone I used to play with regularly (but who I hadn't even seen or even heard from for almost a year) contacted me. He called me pretty much out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to get together. His plan was for me to come and spend the night, where I would sleep in the guest room. He promised ,me a hard spanking and dinner in a nice restaurant. I knew he was someone whose interest in the scene came and went depending on things that were happening in his life, so I wasted no time in checking my work schedule to let him know what night would work. We settled for April 1st, which was a Friday. I had to work until eight and had the next day off, so the plan was that he would come pick me up at work. I took a change of clothes and my make up bag with me. I spent the whole shift thinking about how much fun it was going to be. We'd gotten together the previous summer (after I hadn't seen or heard from him in four years) and it was obvious that his stamina wasn't what it once had been (when he could spank both me and my sister multiple times) and also that our chemistry wasn't as good as it had been. Anyway, I hoped things would go better this time. At eight o'clock, I clocked out and went into the bathroom to change and put my make up on. I hurried because he was the kind of person who was usually early and I didn't want him to have to wait for me. When I went outside, I expected to see his car out front waiting for me. But he wasn't there. Immediately, I was concerned because in all the time I'd known him (about thirteen years by this time), he'd never once been late. It was something he prided himself on and admired in others. I texted him, asking if he was on his way and I got no response. Knowing that he was as prompt about returning texts as he was about being on time, I called him. It went straight to his voicemail. I left a message asking him if everything was OK, expecting an apologetic phone call to follow. But he never called me. It was now almost 8:30 and it slowly dawned on me that I had been stood up. Maybe his phone call hadn't been as out of the blue as I'd thought. Maybe this was an April Fool's joke. I called a cab and, while I waited for it, walked several stores down to a Chinese place I liked and ordered some food. I waited for him to call me, but he never did and I haven't heard from him since. I have a long standing rule that any man who stands me up goes in to the Permanent Asshole File and there they stay, never to have another chance to do the same thing again.

I bring up these three play dates (well, two actually) to make a point. This is what I'm reduced to. It used to be that playing with me (or my sister, or both of us if you were lucky) was somewhat a matter of pride. It raised that person's stock, so to speak. I had a very good reputation in the scene and thought it would always be that way. But how times change. Playing in a room with no sheets on the bed with a guy who clearly just wants sex and having another one lie about how much he enjoyed our time together and blaming it initially on me...this is what I've been reduced to. There was one other play date, with a man who is obviously very busy. We had dinner one night and then about a week later we met and played. It was a great time, but he has put me off for five weeks now. I'm off Monday this week (he likes to meet early in the week) and I messaged him but I haven't heard back. I really don't know what to make of this situation. I kind of feel like I'm getting the brush off. If he didn't enjoy his time with me, then why didn't he just say so? You know, honesty is something I value highly, both in myself and in others. It broke my heart to consign a long time friend to the Permanent Asshole File. I never thought I'd ever have to do that to such a long standing partner. And the guy that just wanted to have sex, well I don't want to sound arrogant, but I think that's somewhat beneath me. It was just very tawdry. It felt like a night in a cheap motel. Not up to my usual standards at all. And I don't want to lower those standards just to get spanked. I won't compromise myself just to get spanked either. So I guess the time has come for me to do some soul searching. How much longer do I want to go on subjecting myself to these kinds of scenes? I may have fallen a few rungs down the ladder, but I still have my dignity. Do I want to continue scraping the bottom of the barrel? Or should I go on, metaphorically kissing those frogs until a prince shows up? 

Since I've decided to make this an honest and objective look at my kink life lately, I'm going to come clean and say that I really haven't been trying that hard to meet new people. If I think back on all the play dates I've had over the years, I have to say that I almost never made the first move. Those guys all reached out to me first. So maybe, just like at spanking parties, I will have to make the first move from now on.I'm not quite ready to give up entirely. So please stay tuned. Something interesting might happen.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Is Fat The New Skinny?

The answer is, of course, no. The title of my post today is a rhetorical question. Now, I have several points I want to make, but it's going to take me some time to get there, so I hope you'll bear with me.

I was on Youtube today looking at fashion haul videos (which I won't define because I can't believe there's a person on the planet who doesn't know what a haul video is) because I want to see what the trends are and also because I like seeing what other people buy. Anyway, one of my favorite clothing stores is Torrid, a fashion-forward plus size store that caters to bigger women who want to wear pretty clothes. I'm definitely one of those, although Torrid does feature some clothing that's simply too youthful for me to be wearing. So it stands to reason that the ladies doing Torrid hauls on Youtube are also bigger girls. Some of them are very, very big girls that make me look average sized. One of them is a young lady who works for an adult website. She made a video addressing the "concern trolls" who seem to be all over the comments sections of her videos. Concern trolling, for those who don't know, is a kind of subtle fat shaming where the person feigns concern for a fat person's health. I've seen and experienced concern trolls on Fetlife, too and it almost always angers me. "I'm just telling you that you're fat and fat is unhealthy." Well, OK I already knew that so what was the point of telling me? The answer you usually get to this question is along the lines of "I'm just very concerned and worried about your health." Why? I'm a total stranger to you. If this person was a friend or family member, I wouldn't consider them a troll. But a total stranger lecturing me on my BMI or a random person dropping a similar comment on a Fetlife photo of me? Yes, that's considered trolling, especially since we all know how much trolls like a reaction. 

She also addressed the folks who believe she won't be able to "get a man" or be happy until she loses some weight. She used an example of someone who said "Well, I may not have my dream job or have a perfect life, but at least I'm not as fat as she is." This seems to be saying that, as long as you're skinny, you won't be considered a loser at life, even if your life is a complete mess. But if you're fat, you can have a fun job doing what you love, surround yourself with loving and supportive people and be fulfilled in every way, but if you're fat, you MUST be unhappy because you can't wear a macro bikini like a Victoria's Secret model. If your happiness depends solely on what the scale says, then yes, I would say you will be unhappy unless you lose weight. These are the people the so-called diet industry targets. If you're one of those people that labors under the delusion that only skinny people are happy and all of us "fatties" are miserable, then I would like to ask you to perform this quick experiment. The next time you go to the grocery store to buy your organic tofu and zero carb water, pay attention to the magazines as you're waiting in the check out line. Look at all those beautiful people and then read about all the misery in their lives. Case in point: Jennifer Aniston. She's considered one of the most beautiful women on the planet and yet her romantic woes are well documented. She can't seem to keep her men from cheating on her. If looks were all it took to "get a man", then women like Jennifer Aniston should have it made, right? But no. It seems like every time one of the tabloids announces that Jennifer has found happiness at last, within a few months, there's a tearful photo of Jennifer minus her ring with the caption "It's over!" But there are many women that society would deem fat who have long, happy marriages and fulfilling lives without being able to pass for a model. Statistics tell us that the average American woman still (years after the aerobics craze and liposuction craze and now the cleansing craze) wears a size 14. So could it be that there's more going on here than mere aesthetics? Without throwing out blanket statements, I feel pretty safe in saying that most of the skinny women in Hollywood are neurotics who probably view every other actress as a potential rival for a part in a movie or for a man. I'm not saying there aren't happy, well-adjusted women living in Hollywood, but well, they seem to be few and far between. Living in the Tinseltown goldfish bowl just doesn't seem conducive to it. The tabloid articles always make it seem like we're supposed to feel sorry every time some model or actress gets dumped by her bad boy boyfriend. Poor Jennifer. Dumped again. And yet, the fat girls that society detests are told to "cover up" or keep out of sight so that they won't be subjected to our fat. Or could it be that they don't want to be subjected to our happiness? Think about it. Because we don't fit society's definition of beauty and because no good-looking man worth his salt would be seen with us, there's really no pressure on us to conform. We're freer to be who we really are. And yes, I know that fat women are often reduced to dating fat men, but let me tell you some of those fat men are an awful lot of fun to be around. 

I know there are probably going to be PC folks reading this who will think to themselves that I shouldn't be using descriptors like "fat" or "skinny". That's just completely wrong. Well, I AM fat and I don't have a problem saying it. I do dislike the word "skinny" but I think if someones bones are sticking out, then they're skinny. I was a very skinny kid. I was skin and bones and not much else. So I've been on both sides of the weight fence. When I was a young woman wearing a size 12 I thought I was fat. I look at photos of myself back then and I wish I looked like that again. Then I remember that I was an unhappy alcoholic who abused pain meds and I rethink that. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that thin doesn't equal happy. I know many thin women who struggle with depression, body image, self-hate and other serious issues. The fact that there are people out there who wish we would just remain invisible and stay home so they don't have to be disturbed by our fat just makes me feel sad for them. I blogged some years ago about my thin and beautiful friend, Amy whom I went to high school with. I mentioned that she often spent Saturday nights at home alone because she had ridiculously high standards when it came to the boys she would date, while I and the rest of our circle of friends went out and had fun. Now, you have to understand that Amy would rather have sat alone at home than date the boys that I and my other friends dated. She considered them rejects. A couple of years after we graduated, I ran into her by chance getting on a bus (I blogged about this too). She had a child with the man she was living with. I could tell she was ashamed for me to see her with her used stroller and the shiner she sported. She was living with an abusive man in a trailer without a phone. I discovered this when I asked if I could  call her sometime. Now, at this time, I was going to junior college and dating a young man who was studying to be an architect. I couldn't help thinking how the tables had turned. I always felt like a shaggy dog next to her. I hated being photographed with her because her radiant smile and lovely face ensured that no one else in the photo would be noticed. I considered myself plain and still do. I'm just not a beauty. And I'm finally OK with that.

Despite not being a beauty, I have always been girly. I love clothes, make up, shoes and all the things that come with being female. I have blogged about that, too. But it's that love of all things girly that makes me watch other peoples' haul videos. It's not just a good place to look at pretty clothes though. I think it's a pretty good place to get some perspective.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Much Ado About Fetlife

I joined Fetlife (the online social networking site that's been called "Facebook for kinksters") in September, 2008. I've been a fairly high profile presence there for about the last three or four years. I've been relatively disenchanted with Fetlife for more than a year now. It's not just that, despite having hundreds of thousands of members who claim spanking as a fetish, the percentage of pure spankos who engage without a D/s dynamic remains relatively small. It's not just that Fetlife has become less and less welcoming of the heteronormative mindset. It's not just that many of the discussion groups have become overtaken by people posting personal ads. It's not just because Fetlife has become a cesspool of people just looking for a quick hook up. It's not just the male entitlement attitude that permeates every aspect of the site. It's not just that people now seem unable to disagree without name calling and personal attacks. It's not just that you are labeled "judgmental" if you don't embrace kink the way others do it. It's not just that factions and splinter groups seem to have infiltrated the power structure of the national spanking party scene, thanks to having a site like Fetlife to use as the springboard for their supposed popularity. It's not just that Fetlife members routinely engage in silencing and shaming those who either disagree with those they perceive to be in power or who hold views that somehow dangerous to those chosen few who are actually in power (whether anyone chooses to acknowledge this or not). It's ALL of these things combined and more. So let's take these reasons for my disenchantment one at a time.

1) Pure spankos (those for whom spanking is their main or only fetish) remain a small part of Fetlife's overall membership. 

When I first joined Fetlife, it was still new so I rather optimistically thought that as soon as more spankos discovered the site they would join. But that has proven unfounded. Fetlife, the way I see it, is still mostly populated by those whose main thing is a D/s dynamic, whether spanking is part of it or not. In fact, it seems to me that Fetlife is now pretty much taken over by the bondage and flogger crowd. I've heard from a number of other spankos that they are derisively laughed at for being "just a spanko" and told, like me, that they are practically vanilla. I'm not saying that there are no other spankos on Fetlife, but there aren't enough to make me not feel like a minority. 

2) Fetlife has become less welcoming to those who hold heteronormative ideals.

This has become especially true since the Supreme Court decision that made so-called same sex marriage legal came down in June. I received several hostile (and one threatening) messages in my inbox because I identify as "straight". For the sake of argument, let me define what I believe heteronormative is: to me, heteronormative means accepting and embracing traditional gender roles for both sexes. I'm not a feminist by any stretch of the imagination. I don't happen to believe that women are superior to men. I also don't happen to believe men are superior to women. One sex is not better than the other...they're just different. If you hold this view, you are likely to get it with both barrels from feminists of every stripe. The same with homosexuals, which is why I received hate mail from them when the Supreme Court decision was made public. They seem to think that simply identifying as "straight" means you are diametrically opposed to them and are therefor judging them. So more and more, as a straight female who's only attracted sexually to men, I feel less than welcomed.

3) Many (if not most) of the discussion groups on Fetlife have become nothing more than places to post personal ads or, more commonly, "what would you like to do to me?" posts.

When I first joined Fetlife, discussion groups were mostly for...discussion. I totally understand that there are only so many topics that spankos are interested in discussing. The topics aren't unlimited. But at some point, it became acceptable for groups to be co-opted by these "single and looking" personal ads. To their credit, some groups have made rules that ads either can't be posted at all or only in a thread designated for them. I guess at some point, group moderators just got tired of beating their heads against that brick wall and just threw up their hands. The sad result is that you're less likely to see actual discussion in these groups.

4) Fetlife is slowly being turned into a hook up site by those who use it that way. 

I've opined on this topic in other entries, but I will just say that, because Fetlife is free to use, many people (men mostly) use it as a way to get porn without having to pay for it. Because of this, they tend to view the women on Fetlife as their personal sex vending machines. Women who don't want to be treated this way are usually told "lighten up" or "get with the program, sweetheart. You're on a sex site." I freely admit that I've met some pretty cool people here on Fetlife, some of whom turned out to be play partners. But using Fetlife to get my sex on? Just no.

5)  Male entitlement attitude is rife on Fetlife.

As I said, I'm no feminist when it comes to relationships between men and women, but for crying out loud the men on Fetlife need to get a clue. The number of men openly looking for play or sex partners is staggering. That's not the problem. The problem is the men who want these fantasy women to simply fall in their laps without putting any effort at all into the endeavor. It's as if they're saying to us "You have something I want. Give it to me!" I've given up counting the number of ads I've seen in groups where men (mostly "strict" doms) post about how they can fulfill my every desire and they can host, too. Uh...these guys are totally clueless. Do they really think that any woman in her right mind will just run off to visit a stranger in his home? That breaks two rules of SSC, the safe and sane part. When you point this little fact out to them, they get all butthurt and say things like "I wasn't asking for advice", etc. They just don't seem to understand how this thing called kink works. They just want random women to punish, they don't want to waste time getting to know these ladies as whole people or building trust. They just want to be serviced. 

6) If you disagree with someone on Fetlife, expect name calling and personal attacks.

It used to be that people on Fetlife were a lot more civil towards each other. When I first joined, people often disagreed about things, but made their arguments in a much friendlier way. Now, with so many snark groups on there (of which I belong to a couple) it appears that snark is now the norm in most groups. I've seen hundreds of people whose go-to answer to someone they disagree with is "what an idiot" or "don't feed the trolls". So now, if you hold an ideal that's different from someone else, you're now automatically a troll? I'm a Christian conservative and I make no secret of it. It would make your head spin to see the hate-filled venomous attacks people like me endure on a daily basis. I wonder what happened to tolerance and acceptance in our scene? Oh, that's right. Being a Christian automatically makes me a "hater" so it's OK to flame me publicly. Carry on.

7) Expect to have the "judgmental" label pinned on you if you don't do kink the way others do it.

Somehow, we've come to the point where even being uninterested in other forms of kink will get a person labeled as "judgmental". I'm not now and never will be into certain things; things like bondage and spanking as punishment are things that will never float my boat. However, I don't have anything against people who do those things. We used to have a code for this attitude: YKINMK (Your kink is not my kink). It was a way to let people know that whatever it was they were into was totally OK but just not our cup of tea. I remember sometime last year someone who was a friend of mine posted an adorable photo of herself in a costume. It was so precious, I just had to love the photo and put a comment on it. I said something like "Costumes aren't my thing, but this is really adorable" and another person (not the person whose photo it was) sent me a private message reading me the riot act because supposedly I'm always being negative and making fun of other peoples' kinks. Not only did she remove herself from my sisters list, eventually she unfriended me and then she blocked me. So be aware that asserting your individuality, even in the smallest way, will get you labeled as judgmental.

8) Factions and splinter groups have infiltrated the national spanking party scene, due at least in part to having Fetlife as a platform for their popularity.

I'm not quite sure how this happened. When I first started in the party scene, people went to their "local" party. People from Chicago (or those withing driving distance) went to Crimson Moon. Those in Michigan went to MDSS. Those in Florida went to Florida Moonshine. The only exception was Shadowlane and that was mostly because of their videos. They had a much higher profile so quite a few people went to their parties too. Nowadays, people seem to hit every major party during the party season (which, like baseball, runs from about April to October). Maybe the fact that CM went from having five parties a year to only two had something to do with it? Whatever the case, there now seems to be factions comprised of a small number of people, who attend every big party and have a hand in organizing them, even though they're not local to the area. Some of these people have only been in the scene a few years. Now I'm not criticizing someone who wants to step forward and do something for the community as a whole. Those folks are always well appreciated. I'm talking about people establishing a personal power base for themselves where they begin to dictate policy and their tastes begin to be made the norm, not just at one party, but all of them. I believe this was achieved simply because Fetlife gave these people a platform to speak from and in a way was a springboard for their popularity. I'm not a conspiracy theorist so you have to know that I feel really strongly about this. 

9) Fetlife members now use shaming and silencing to keep unpopular views from being heard. 

For some time now, I've limited my opining to this blog because I learned just how unpopular my views are on Fetlife. I believe bullying is an overused word these days, but I think this might be a case where it's actually happening. If you oppose same-sex marriage as I do or if you believe in your Constitutional right to keep and bear arms, then you are going to be called a zealot or a Neanderthal (if you happen to be male). You'll be told that your views are bigotry and/or hate speech and that you should join the 21st century. If you're a Christian, you'll be called a hypocrite for even being on Fetlife. The "tolerance and acceptance" that the Keepers Of All Things Fair and Equal preach does not extend to those who follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, well because of that unfortunate passage in Leviticus. I've seen people post in groups that "those crazy Bible thumpers" ought to have their free speech rights taken away and at least, on Fetlife, that has pretty much happened.

I admit that I'm not on Fetlife nearly as much as I used to be. I think the fact that I once lived on that site made it a lot easier to notice when things began to go downhill. I've actually let my support for Fetlife expire because I just don't see how I can justify spending $60 a year for something I enjoy a lot less than I used to. It seems more and more evident to me that if you really ARE an individual and you resist joining the conga line that Fetlife has become you won't get as much out of the Fetlife experience as those who are willing to give up their individuality and join the crowd. Oh I guess if you just want to have a profile and maintain a weak presence then you'll probably be OK. But try to join in on things and be a real presence there then you will, at some point, get dealt with by the so-called powers that be. And I don't mean John Baku (the man whose brainchild Fetlife is) or the caretakers. I mean the people to whom they have ceded their power. 

Maybe the problem is that Fetlife has gotten a little too big for its britches. Whatever the case, it's pretty obvious that the present day website isn't the same site I joined seven years ago. Change should be expected but it isn't always for the better. 

Saturday, March 21, 2015

When Life Hands You Lemons

There's no way around it; sometimes you just have to make the best of a bad situation. Nowhere is that point driven home better than that old axiom "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade". 

"But Cheryl," I  can hear you all grumbling, "what does that have to do with spanking?"

Well, allow me to explain. Long time readers of these pages have heard me lamenting at other times that I never got to be a young woman in the spanking scene. Yeah, life's not fair. I get that. I learned that lesson a very long time ago. 

I was simply born at the wrong time. There's no getting around that. When I was a cute 20-year-old, there was no spanking scene (at least, not here in the States). Even if there had been, I lacked the confidence and the resources to participate. There was also no internet. In those days (the early 80's) there were three ways to meet men if you were kinky:

1) Go to an adult book store and put an ad on the bulletin board with your name, phone number and what you're into.
2) Put an ad in an adult magazine or newspaper.
3) Pick up a guy in a bar and hope he wasn't an axe murderer.

You can see how limited our resources were. We didn't even have cellphones in those days so there was no texting going on. If you did actually meet a guy and wanted to talk to him, you had to exchange phone numbers. People had to actually "date" in those days. However, none of the young men I met were interested in spanking me. 

The above photo was taken at a friend's completely seedy house during a party. The smoke should be a cue that I'm smoking and I was. But not a cigarette. I was stoned out of my gourd here. I did many things in my youth that I regret now because of drugs and alcohol. There's no way that I would have made the right decisions to be safe in the scene; especially since drugs and alcohol were a part of my everyday life back then. Maybe if I had been sober I would see things differently. Anyway, that's another thing that's unfair about life: you never really know the things you're missing until somehow the years of your life show them to you. 

In every other way, I've always said that I was born at the perfect time. I was fully able to enjoy the 70's and most of the 60's (though as a child). The music was awesome, the cars were cool, the television was groovy and the toys were the best. But...there's that small regret. Time marches on and it has taken its toll on me in many ways. The years have been kind in regards to my looks, I'll be the first to admit. Many women my age look every bit of it. I'm don't think it's bragging to say that. Lots of people that I meet are surprised when they learn how old I am. So I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm just feeling sorry for myself here. I do have some blessings to count. But when I see the excitement of the young people just coming into the scene, I do feel just a pang of remorse over when I was born. I would give almost anything to be a young person in the scene today--with all the advantages of social media, Smartphones and texting. There are times I feel like a dinosaur. I don't understand the appeal of most of the new shows that young people watch. I don't understand their taste in music at all. I don't get the new films that they Tweet about. But I still know how to enjoy myself, although I'm sober these days.

Now, saying all this, I have to say that we older folks do serve a purpose in the scene. We should be there to give advice when it's asked for. After all, if they have the advantage of youth, we have the advantage of experience. And young people should remember that they're walking a road that was paved for them, the same as it was for us by the ones who came before us. 

As a teen (I was 18 when the above photo was taken), I think part of my problem was that I hung around people a lot older than me. In the photo here, I'm dressed to go fishing with my grandfather. I spent a lot of time with my Paw Paw while he lived. He and I had some awesome talks while our fishing lines bobbed in the water. Because I spent so much time with older folks, I think I had a maturity that most of the people I knew who were my age lacked. My mother always used to say I was an "old soul", meaning I never really acted my age. I always acted older and more mature than my age. Maybe that's another reason that some of the young people in the scene get on my nerves a little. Behavior that I would never dream of engaging in happens all the time at parties. People just shrug and say "They're young". Well, so was I once. I think the difference is that I had people around me who put the brakes on my behavior before it became destructive. Even in my worst days of alcoholism and pill popping I never really hurt anyone but myself. I never drove drunk or reported for work under the influence. Even when I was drunk my common sense never got overridden by my stupidity. 

So getting down to brass tacks here, I have to say that today I feel a bit sad that never got to be a 21 year old at her first party. Nothing will ever change that. Well, not unless someone really does learn how to make a time machine out of a Delorean. In the meantime, I'll just have to make lots of this:

And it's a good thing I like the taste of lemonade. So if you see me with a sour look on my face, just put down to lemonade. I'll just go on, trying my best to make the best of a less than ideal situation. The spanking scene will go on after I hang up my canes. I'll go on enjoying parties when I feel like attending. But oh, to be a young lady getting all of that attention!

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

When In Rome

There used to be a very famous saying: "When in Rome, do as the Romans". What this means is when you're visiting somewhere, whether it's another country or even just someone's home, it's customary to partake of the local customs. Unfortunately for me, the closest I ever got to Rome was a Toga Party thrown by some friends when I was in Atlantic City last year.

I had a great time with these folks, mostly because they were good friends of mine and there was spanking involved. Which leads me to the subject of today's entry. Do hosts have the right to expect their guests to participate in activities that make them uncomfortable? Is it bad manners to decline a particular activity because it's "not my thing"? How do we decline without hurting the host's feelings? I'll use the above photo as an example. The Toga Party that I attended was thrown in a private suite by friends of mine. There was alcohol (several different wines) available, even though everyone in the room knew I don't touch alcohol. In no way did I feel that my hosts had disrespected me or my feelings by offering wine. None was offered to me personally. Now, if everyone had spent the evening trying to get me to drink, I might have felt differently. However, there have been times when I've felt pressured to do something I ordinarily wouldn't do because all the other participants were doing it. Once or twice, the pressure was overt. But more often, it's more subtle. I won't put the details of specific incidents here because I have no idea who reads this and the thought of someone being offended by me stating my discomfort is too horrible for words. Suffice to say that I declined to do what everyone else was doing for my own personal reasons. There was a card game being played and it was a game I wasn't interested in playing. So when I was invited to play, I politely declined. The majority of the players accepted my decision with grace, but a few gave me a moderate harangue on the issue. After all, everyone else was doing it. I think one or two people may have taken my polite refusal as me saying I'm better or morally superior to them in some way. True, the game had some distasteful aspects to it (not the least of which for me is bad language) but that's really why I declined. I think I declined because everyone else was playing. The card game is one of those trendy games that no one will remember in three or four years (kind of the way no one remembers the game Sex Drive today). It just smacked of what I call Everyone's Doing It Syndrome. In much the same way people were reading the "50 Shades" books because  everyone else was, this card game became de rigeur at many of the spanking parties I attended. 

So that begs a question. People in the kink scene say that we embrace and encourage individuality, but do we really? Almost everyone wants to be accepted or seen as popular. I know very few people who are true rebels in the kink scene; those who march to their own drummer and don't allow others to pressure them into conforming to their standards. When I see friends who never showed the slightest interest in a certain activity all of a sudden embrace it, I have to wonder why. Usually, it means that that person has made a new friend and that new friend has either subtly or overtly pressured them to do it, too as a way of "fitting in". Sometimes, it could just mean that the person in question has just experienced an area of growth, something that's perfectly normal in the kink scene. But sadly, more often than not, it usually means that they've befriended someone who expects all of his or her friends to be into the same things he or she is into and they won't tolerate someone who doesn't play along. Of course, it's really hard to know which event occurred. But given what I know about peer pressure in the scene I can tell you that it does happen and that normally bright and imaginative people give in to peer pressure in order to be popular. As an example, the fact that I don't drink or smoke makes me unpopular with the scotch and cigars crowd. It's just something that I won't ever be able to partake of because I've quit both of those things. I enjoyed them while I did them, for sure but I don't do them anymore. I guess that makes me seem like I'm on a moral high horse with some people, but that's not it at all. I don't judge smokers or drinkers because I used to be one. To me, there's nothing more angering than a former smoker who acts like they never smoked. This is especially true if they're smoking on the side and living in fear of being caught. 

As another example, I was once invited to an ageplay party and I politely explained that since that wasn't my thing, I felt it best to attend another of the suite parties available that night. The person who invited me accepted my explanation graciously and wished me a pleasant evening and there I thought the matter rested. Not true. Later, when I returned home, I had a private message in my inbox asking me why I had dissed the ageplayers. The person who wrote me told me that the person who had invited me told them I had "recoiled in horror" at being invited. This wasn't true, I explained in my message back to this person. I told them that I had declined in a perfectly polite way, explaining that I had never had any interest in ageplay and that, quite frankly, it made me a bit uncomfortable. So I guess that constitutes recoiling in horror. Whatever happened to "your kink is not my kink"? I'm sure I'm into things that other people find weird and that's OK with me. I've never expected other people to be into all of the same things as me. I can't speak for the BDSM scene as I'm not into it, but I can say that, in my opinion, the spanking scene has become a cult of personality, where a select few control who gets accepted and who gets left out. But they're more likely to accept you if you at least pretend to like what they like. And that leaves me out because more than ever before, the spanking scene has become all about punishment and discipline, two things I have no interest in at all. I see people who never had the slightest interest in doing punishments now embracing it and I have to wonder if it's because they feel they'll be left out if they don't? It's a rather uncomfortable feeling knowing that you're not popular and if you don't attend a certain party, you won't be missed. 

Look, I'm not saying that everyone who develops a new fetish does it only because someone coerced them into it. I know that people often change and grow as they go on in the scene. I know I've changed quite a bit from when I first started. However, my core beliefs haven't changed. I still detest real punishment scenarios as much as I did when I was a newbie (and I participated in a misguided attempt to fit in). But I've seen so many people doing 180s in their philosophies that it makes me wonder. I've also come to grips with the fact that my political and religious views don't win me any fans in the spanking world either. It's one thing to not enjoy participating in punishment role plays, but quite another to criticize the current administration, especially how they react to watching Islamic terrorists cut of the heads off Christians. Many of the people in the kink community are hostile to Christians, so why would they mind if a couple hundred of them get beheaded on Youtube? I mean, it's not like we're humans or anything, right? I'm a follower of Jesus Christ and I don't apologize for it. Last time I checked with the Constitution, Freedom Of Religion was still there. Being a conservative Christian in the spanking scene is one sure way to get yourself uninvited to the popular kids' parties. I'm sure there are others like me who love the Lord but they keep that to themselves for fear of being ridiculed or ostracized. 

So I guess that wraps up this entry. I will state right here that I have no desire to do something distasteful to me for fear of being teased or unfriended. I've had both happen to me in my life and I've survived them. I also have no desire to do "what everyone else is doing". My mother taught me years ago that just because everyone else is doing something doesn't mean I should be doing it. 

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Respect...Learn The Meaning Of The Word!

Author's Note: Today's entry is highly explicit in language and content. If this kind of thing offends you (as it does me) then please don't read any further.

I've been on Fetlife for about six and a half years now; since September, 2008. It has changed a lot in the course of those six and a half years. Some of those changes have been for the better, such as a button that lets you "love" a particular photo or writing. But some of the changes have been for the worse, such as men beginning to think that they are owed something by the women on the site, whether it be allowing men to talk about them suggestively with impunity or demanding that women "show more" in their photos. This entitlement attitude just seems to get worse. And the more we women complain about it, the more the men insist that they have the right to treat us as objects. After all, we post photos showing our bodies, some of them highly explicit. At the very least, most of us spankos show our red bare bottoms along with the occasional up skirt or pantie shot. Does this behavior mean that men are now free to objectify us to their heart's content?

As I said in my "Myth vs. Reality" entry, Fetlife is a social networking site, but because it's free to use, many men feel that it's OK to view Fetlife as a porn site because they don't want to go to the trouble and expense of paying for porn. So for them, Fetlife becomes their source for porn. And since the ladies in the porn videos are happy and eager to put out, they see no reason why the ladies on Fetlife shouldn't be the same way. Then they get a reality check.

A couple of days ago, I received a very crassly worded message from a man who told me what he would like to do to a certain part of my anatomy. I get those kinds of messages all the time, usually from men I don't know. Men who know me know better than to talk to me that way. I could see if I posted really revealing and explicit photos, which might tell the guys on Fetlife that they have a green light to objectify me all they want to. But I don't. I post photos of my bottom and sometimes some of the more intimate parts are visible (though not outrageously so). So because of that, I felt that this man had been inappropriate with me and I told him so. I asked him in  several different messages to please be respectful of me, but he just didn't get it. He tried to do what we call "mansplain" his way out of it. He also continued to be disrespectful by telling me in his second message that, while he was sorry he had been disrespectful to me, a woman's nakedness does something to him that makes him act in inappropriate ways. So, really it was my fault because I post naked photos. He seemed to be saying that he had no control over his reactions to photos of naked women and so he shouldn't be held accountable. This is classic "mansplaining". He told me in this third message, after again apologizing to me, that he would eat food off my butt because it's just so gorgeous. Apparently, he felt this was more respectful than his first message had been. This is the photo that prompted the inappropriate message:

Notice that I'm not even naked in this photo. Unless, like Superman, he has X-ray vision and can see through clothing, there's not much showing here, at least not by Fetlife standards. Granted, there are a lot of women on Fetlife that I would term attention whores. They love being noticed. To a certain degree, I'm one of them. I love knowing that men want to spank me and that they find my bottom (and the rest of me) attractive. But just because a woman may enjoy attention from men doesn't mean that there's no such thing as unwanted attention. My messenger went on with his mansplaining by telling me that men like sex and that my ass reminded him of sex. OK, that's fair enough. I've been on the planet for 54 years and have spent about 40 of those years having sex. I know men dig sex. I didn't need him to tell me that. However, just because men like sex doesn't mean that making sexually inappropriate comments to a woman he's contacting for the very first time is acceptable. 

So because when it comes to sex, men and women apparently speak different languages, I'm going to attempt to translate some of what this guy said to me. The parts in quotes are actual lines from the messages he's sent me.

"I want to fuck your ass hole senseless"

Translation: I'm a total pig and I thought I would send you a message designed to prove it.

My take: this guy gets no action in real life. 

"I meant it as a compliment"

Translation: I was hoping that, like the chicks I see in the porn videos I obsessively watch, any comment of a sexual nature would make you all wet and agreeable.

My take: Whenever a guy says he meant something as a compliment, he's backpedalling because he had no idea you would respond with indignity. 

"you're on a site showing off your ass"

Translation: because you're displaying a part of your anatomy that I find very stimulating, I no longer have to treat you as a human being.

My take: Some women love being objectified and that's cool for them. I'm not one of them.

"a woman's nakedness does something to me."

Translation: because I get all excited at the sight of naked flesh, I'm no longer responsible for anything I may say or do.

My take: This guy wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she came with an instruction manual. All he really knows is what he sees in porn.

"i'm a man, sex is great ok. men love sex."

Translation: it's all about my dick. Stop being a prude and let my dick get what it wants.

My take: He typed that one-handed. 

"your ass reminds me of sex"

Translation: I have an ass fetish. Seeing naked female buttocks makes me want to rut like a dog in heat.

My take: I have a great ass and a lot of men like it. I don't blame him for being attracted.

"i would eat food off your but(t) because it's gorgeous"

Translation: even though I identify as a dominant, I would be all subby in your presence and humiliate myself by eating food off your lovely butt.

My take: Eating food off someones butt is very unhygienic. 

"i could stay in it (my ass) for hrs."

Translation: if I ever got the awesome experience of screwing your delightful ass I would never want to come out.

My take: He would probably blow his load before he even got it in.

"aww come on, i'm sorry. stop being so sensitive."

Translation: stop acting like a normal, self-respecting woman and act like you at least want to jump on my dick.

My take: If he had been in the room with me and said that, we would find out how sensitive his ball sac is.

Anyway, that's the juicier parts of the four messages I got from him. I told him I didn't want to hear from him again, so we'll see how obedient he is. Here's some advice for all of you would-be doms out there. Yes, women like attention; sometimes even sexual attention. But please, before you message a total stranger the way this guy messaged me, learn how to curb your enthusiasm. Learn how to speak like a gentleman speaking to a lady. Yes, I know that a lot of women like dirty talk. I'm just not one of them and I'm sure I'm not alone. You will get a lot more accomplished if you send a politely worded message first, one that expresses that you see the woman as a complete human being instead of a body part. A few times when I've given this kind of advice, I've gotten messages back saying "Listen, bitch I'm a dom. I don't have time to be all candy and flowers with sluts. They either service me or they don't." Yeah, let me know how that approach is working out for you. It appears that these particular dudes have never heard that old axiom "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar". A woman, even one like me who posts pictures of my bare bottom, deserves to be treated like a human being and not a body part.

And ladies, that respect door swings both ways. It's one thing to post teaser photos (as I've done numerous times), but it's something else entirely to post photos you know will get the guys all hot and bothered and then castigate them for behaving like horny bastards. If we want to be treated a certain way, we should act that way. Act like a lady if you want to be treated like one. If your reputation or how you're perceived by others isn't that important to you, then feel free to act any way you want to. But be prepared to hear some comments you may not want to hear. It's OK after you've discovered it bothers you to say "I thought it didn't bother me, but it does so these are the new rules for commenting on my pics and messaging me". Men will either adapt as appropriate or not.

Getting down to brass tacks, I think the Golden Rule is a good rule of thumb. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If you don't want to be treated like a sexual object, then don't treat others that way. Fetlife might not be a sex site, but it IS an adult site. You have to be 18 to be there for a reason; because there's nudity and adult discussions that are inappropriate for kids. I would suggest learning how to read a profile is helpful in knowing how to approach a woman. If she has "no sexual messages" listed on her profile, then respect that. If she has "don't message me unless we've met" listed, then respect that. If you think that a woman has too many rules on her profile, then find someone else to message. If you see a photo that you find interesting or attractive, let the owner know in a respectful way. If you're a lady and you see a photo of a guy that you like, do likewise; be respectful. You'd be surprised how civil people can be when they're approached the right way. Yes, I know Fetlife is a site for grown ups, but there are still Rules Of Engagement. The rules that govern good behavior still apply, and with a few exceptions, are appreciated. Just because you're calling yourself a dom doesn't mean you own everything you see. Being a dom doesn't give you the right to treat people like they're beneath you or like their feelings don't matter. If you think that treating people this way will make them respect you as a dom, then you're going to learn another thing: that treating people with contempt won't make people like you or see you as a dom. They will see you as a jerk and rightfully so. At a spanking party once, a so-called dom looked at me and told me to get him a drink, pronto. I told him, since I didn't see a cast on his arm or leg, to get it himself. He was nonplussed, to put it mildly. He said "Be a good little subby and do what I said." Again, I told him that since he looked able bodied to me, he should do it himself and that I wasn't a sub. It's a problem that many doms see all women the same--as subs who are just there to serve them. A lot of that same attitude permeates Fetlife. 

Just so we're clear, are entitled to NOTHING. Yes, I post photos of myself and yes, many of my photos are nudes. That doesn't entitle you to my body. That doesn't entitle you to force your dick on me. Try acting like a grown up and stop thinking with your dick and you might get further. There are respectful, kind gentlemen getting busy right this minute because they did the right thing. Think about that the next time you send a foul, inappropriate message to a total stranger.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Straight Lads Spanked

Author's Note: Today's entry features naked males. If you're offended by the sight of naked men or you find M/M spanking disgusting, then please skip this entry.

Author's Addendum: This entry was originally posted on February 9, 2015. By request, I've removed some content and filled in some other places. It remains largely unchanged from the original.

I think, after almost five months of being a member, it's time for me to dispel some of the rumor and innuendo surrounding this website. I'll be discussing what Straight Lads Spanked IS and also what it IS NOT. Let me begin by saying that, yes I'm a paying member of the website so that will somewhat slant my commentary. However, if I wasn't a member of the website, I wouldn't be able to speak as authoritatively as I do about SLS and its culture. 

So, let me start at the beginning. Last summer, I was on the internet looking for classic spanking clips from television; the kind that I remembered from my childhood. As people who use Youtube know, when you watch a video, there is a long list on the right hand side of the screen of related videos. It was while I was looking at a classic spanking threat from the 60's TV series "Flipper" that I happened to see something that caught my eye. It was the smiling face of an extremely handsome young man. The caption read "Straight man discusses making gay spanking videos". I was somewhat intrigued because I thought only gay men made gay spanking videos. I had no idea that straight men got spanked by other men on camera. So I was very much interested in seeing this video. Turns out, it was an interview with a young man named Patrick Lee (not his real name). This charming Irish lad was my first introduction to the website.

I became enchanted with this guy and it's easy to see why. The interview revealed that Patrick was supposed to have shown up for a shoot the previous week but had failed to because he had been arrested for getting into a fight in a pub. So the interviewer (who I didn't know at that time, but who I took to be someone involved with the website) informs Patrick that he left the kind of film Patrick would shoot up to the members. Anyway, as much as I enjoyed the interview, it didn't cause me to instantly go and check out the website. I was still too afraid to do that. I was afraid it was going to be like all the other M/M sites I'd visited--in other words, gay. The interview with Patrick led me to another interview, this one with Patrick's real life older brother, Andy Lee. Andy's interview was longer and more involved and also included some clips from a few of his films. What charmed me about these interviews was the way the guys blushed when speaking about being spanked. I found their embarrassment very sweet. This was the first time I noticed that SLS was different. It was during Andy's video that I realized that the man doing the interviewing (whom we never see on camera) is actually the man who owns and runs Straight Lads Spanked. At the time this interview was done, he hadn't had his name revealed yet. So, this interview with Andy led me to actually check out the website. I was blown away by the vast amount of free content, which you don't get on most other sites. One of the free downloads was an interview with a young man named Oliver. It was his interview that caused me to see that SLS is completely different than any other M/M website I'd ever been on. It was obvious from the interview with Oliver that there's a relationship between the SLS owner and the guys he employs as models. I'll list the differences I saw numerically:

1) None of the guys at SLS are spankos. They don't make the videos because they have a spanking fetish. They make the videos initially for the money. But then they return because Dave (the website owner) is such a nice guy and because each guy has their own fans. It's making those fans happy that keeps them coming back. I should add that Dave absolutely refuses to hire guys who are desperate for money, such as guys about to be evicted or who are homeless. He feels that these are temporary situations and he's afraid that once the guy gets the problem taken care of, he'll regret having made the movie.
2) There is absolutely no sexual touching amongst the lads or with Dave. There's nothing at all overtly sexual in the videos (except when the occasional act of masturbation is filmed and then, it's never seen going to its logical conclusion). Yes, you see the lads naked and yes, you see their penises but there's never any mention of it or any sexual talk at all.
3) The guys really are straight guys.They are regular guys with regular jobs and girlfriends. Most of them turn handsprings to keep their families and girlfriends from finding out what they do (more on that later).
4) There's a trust and a friendship between Dave and the guys. They aren't just paid models. Dave has helped some of them get jobs, given them money when they were broke and helped them out of other scrapes as well. I'm not saying that models on other sites don't have trust and friendship, but on the M/M sites I've been on, it doesn't come across.
5) The videos almost always have a highly moral tone to them. Whether Dave is portraying the "Dad" character or the character of the community spanker, Mr. X, he always makes it clear that the SLS world is one where people respect each other. Quite a few of the videos have a scenario where a mother or girlfriend is disrespected in some way and Dave makes it clear that mothers and elders are to be treated with the respect they deserve. Some of the members find this attitude "preachy" and just want to see the guys get naked and get spanked. Most of us ladies on the site (and there are a lot of us) want a build up to the spanking. Things like stealing, lying and not keeping your word aren't tolerated and are dealt with harshly. In fact, part of the charm of the website (for me, anyway) is that SLSville, as we fans call it, seems to exist outside of reality. In reality, corporal punishment has been out of the schools for more than 30 years. So there's a whole generation of people who never felt the cane or slipper at school. Things changed around the home, too because most of the young men who film for Straight Lads Spanked admit they have never been spanked before. Physical discipline used to be a very big part of the English culture and it's in that past era that SLS operates. The young men know when they arrive that a spanking is imminent. In real life, what they would earn a trip over Mr. X's knee for in SLSville, they would probably get clean away with. 

Now, I mentioned that Dave plays a number of characters. The first one I saw was Mr. X. Mr. X is the "community spanker". He wears a mask (similar to an executioner's mask) because he lives in the community and if the guys knew who he was, he would get all kinds of retribution. In real life, Dave simply can't show his face on camera. He owns and runs a business and he just can't risk it. So the Mr. X character was invented to explain why the man doing the spanking is behind a mask. When the young men in the community mess up and their parents or girlfriends or employers can't or won't deal with them, they can send them to Mr. X and, for a fee, have them punished. 

 When he plays the "Dad" character, he wears a mask that was made here in the US by a special effects expert. Dave in real life isn't old enough to be the father of any of the guys (except maybe the youngest ones) and so he has to look older. The mask certainly does this.

The mask has its advantages and its drawbacks for both Dave and the fans. For the fans, the mask is sometimes distracting. It's obviously not an attractive look and it's probably not meant to be. It also sometimes muffles his speech and, as Dave is Scottish, he's sometimes hard to understand anyway. For Dave, wearing the mask is uncomfortable, especially in hot weather. But he doesn't have any other option for now. Maybe someday when SLS is so incredibly successful he can quit his day job he'll be able to show his face on camera. I've seen him without the mask and he's a very nice looking guy. However, there are advantages to the mask as well. Before Dave got the "Dad" mask, he had to film in such a way that his face never showed on camera. So we are left with a man with no head and the guys having to make sure that the angles capture their expressions, but not Dave's. Easier said than done, I'm afraid.

Now, last fall someone on Fetlife (that I consider a friend) posted a writing describing how "ill" Straight Lads Spanked made him. Of course, without being a member or knowing anything about the website, except possibly what he'd heard from others, his other friends jumped on the bandwagon in an effort to get the gay members of Fetlife up in arms about this website, which according to this guy, was run by a homophobic gay-hating piece of crap. He went on to talk about "gay peril" and other topics that made no sense to someone like me, who was a member. So, in an effort to inject some facts into the discussion, I very calmly informed him (and the others who were jumping on the bandwagon) that Dave lives openly as a gay man and that he makes no secret of his fetish for straight young men. I asked, in all seriousness, what sense it would make for a gay man to pour his money, his time and his blood, sweat and tears into a website just so he can promote his homophobic views. Dave is always very happy to discuss his philosophy with anyone who wants to know and so in a private message to this friend, I offered to give him Dave's email address (his public one for the website, not his private one, which I don't have) but he really wasn't interested in going on any kind of fact finding mission. He said it was offensive having the word "straight" in the website name and I offered, publicly, to poll the gay members of the site to see if any of them were offended by the site's name. No, he wasn't interested in hearing the opinions of paying members. He wanted to hear from the gay community at large, most of whom have probably never heard of Dave or his low budget website. No matter what facts I presented or how calmly I debated those facts, no one wanted my opinion and, after I schooled him, he deleted the writing. Now, I told that story just to show the misconceptions and biases that surround this simple website. It all started because a few years ago, Dave began to notice that there was a gap in the M/M spanking market for videos that had a punishment theme without the sexualization of the subject. So he did what any other enterprising person would do and he started his own website to fill that gap. Despite the fact that the website originates in the UK, it was a very American thing to do. Many gay websites openly endorse Dave and his non-gay, non-sexual spanking website. SLS has gay members, both male and female, and many gay men follow the site on Twitter. So my take on this whole thing is that the gay community at large is pretty much OK with Dave and his website. 

Now I'll introduce you to some of the lads that make Straight Lads Spanked so special. Please know that, over the years, a lot of young men have come and gone (and a few have come back periodically) so I'm only going to mention guys who are actively filming. First, I want to talk about Oliver.

Oliver has done a lot for Straight Lads Spanked. He first filmed in July, 2012 so he goes back almost to the beginning of the website. He has brought his brother, Fred in to film and also has brought a lot of his friends in. He's one of the best actors on the site and he acts with his whole body, including his incredible eyes. He was the first actor (though not the last as we'll see later) to bring genuine emotion to a movie. I think that that alone should show the casual observer what kind of relationship Dave has with this models. As someone who has spent years in the spanking scene, I can assure you that genuine emotion only happens with someone you trust completely and feel comfortable with. I should also point out the obvious in that it's no easy feat getting a young man to share his vulnerability, but Oliver did that in a couple of his films and if you're a fan of real emotion, then you would have no problem being a fan of Oliver.

Next, Andy Lee. I mentioned Andy before when I was discussing his brother, Patrick. Andy, like Oliver, is a mainstay on the site. He appeared in the first thing Dave ever filmed, before he even had a website. I have no idea how they met, but Andy has shot for a ton of other adult sites and is in fact very active in the adult industry (and not just spanking). Andy has a regular job working on the oil rigs in the North Sea, super dangerous work that you have to be highly trained and in shape for.

As much as I like Andy, I think because of his size and strength he should be the one doing the spanking instead of taking it. He has spanked other lads on the site, including two of his brothers. He's divorced with a three-year-old son. I follow Andy on Twitter and he follows me. He's a charming Irish guy who can melt you, but he's also a shameless self-promoter (not that there's anything wrong with that). I've always believed that if you have it you should flaunt it. And Andy does. He's notoriously well endowed. But big dicks don't really do much for me at my age. I do love his muscles and his ink. In the interview this still was taken from, he said "hello" to me and thanked me for supporting him on Twitter.

Next, I want to talk about Karl. Karl is another one that goes back almost to the beginning. He began filming as an 18-year-old. He was brought in by his buddy, Liam whom he knew because they both boxed at the same gym. Karl isn't great with dialogue, but he can take a heck of a spanking.

Like Oliver, Karl uses his eyes to convey what he's feeling when words fail him and they often do. The thing about Karl was that he seemed to be there one minute and gone the next. In fact, he was gone from the site for nearly two years before returning recently. In a very frank interview, he talked about serving time in jail, his bout with testicular cancer and living in his car. Many of us, who practically watched Karl grow up before our eyes, care about him and I was saddened and horrified to learn that a cancer stricken young man was living in his car (having been tossed out by his girlfriend for texting other women). As much as Karl's plight tugged at my heartstrings, there was another element to this story that made me a bit angry at him. When he got out of jail, he apparently met a young woman with two little girls. As the relationship grew and he moved in, these little girls believed that Karl was their daddy. In fact, Karl posted loving family photos of himself with the woman and her children on his Facebook page. Hopefully, Karl was able to get her to forgive him and let him move back home. 

Next, my favorite guy on the site, Wayne. Wayne is one of what I call the Four Mates (I know it sounds like a singing group). Wayne was brought to the site by his mate, Dom. The Four Mates consist of Dom, Wayne, Adam and Harry. Any combination of this quartet is bound to be a hit with fans.

For me, Wayne is the total package--handsome, muscular, a good actor, has beautiful blue eyes, a gorgeous bottom with a tattoo on it and his pout turns me into a puddle of girl goo. His accent drives me bonkers because most of the time, I have a hard time understanding him. Wayne is what most people in England might call a "chav". Google that if you're unfamiliar with the term. Wayne's "character" on SLS is that of a young man, usually a window washer, who can't seem to resist the temptation to steal. He's been sent to Mr. X several times for stealing from customers. He's also played a young man caught smoking pot at school and a friend of Adam's who takes the blame for bringing pot into the house (see a pattern here?). 

Next, Wayne's buddy, Dom. I don't know where to start with Dom. He's probably the best actor on the site right now. He's brilliant with dialogue and has natural comedic timing. He's also pretty easy on the eyes and can take a very hard spanking. The bad news is that he marks like crazy. 

 Besides being a terrific actor, Dom has a few other things going for him, too. He looks amazing OTK and manages to stay in character no matter how hard the spanking gets. His specialty is the "domestic" scenes though he's been to see Mr. X numerous times. Like Karl and a few others, Dom started at SLS when he was just eighteen. Of the Top Ten films on the site, Dom is in five of them. His popularity is obvious. We haven't seen anything new from him since summertime so I'm hoping he'll come back and do some more. I hate to think we've seen the last of Dom.

Next, there's  Adam. Adam wasn't even on my radar before I joined. I spent a lot of time looking at the free content, including the preview videos. Adam just didn't look like anything special to me. Then, when I joined I watched his first video, which he filmed with Dom. He was perfect! He has a sweet face, lovely blue/gray eyes, blushes adorably, has cute fangs and does regretful and embarrassed better than anyone on the site. Like Karl and Dom, Adam was just eighteen when he first started shooting for SLS.

In this photo, you see the cute fangs and adorable blush. Adam is quirky and I like quirky. I also think it's entirely possible that on some level he likes being spanked. What I would really love is to see  Adam shoot something by himself, without one of his mates with him. I'm not sure if he's shy about filming alone or what, but I would love to see it. He does the domestic scenes very well. He did a very good video with Wayne that remains a favorite of mine. 

Adam and Wayne work so well together because they're real life friends. Even their girlfriends are friends with each other. Dave stated that the dialogue between Adam and Wayne that preceded the spanking in this video was the most natural exchange that he's ever seen. That happened because Adam and Wayne have known each other since they were boys. That friendship is part of the magic that happens when any of these four young men film together.

Next, the forth piece in this delicious pie, Harry. Harry came to SLS even before Dom. He was brought by his buddy, Fred, who in real life is Oliver's brother. Harry is a tough guy. Seeing him spanked is a thrilling experience for me. Like Wayne, he's muscular. He has an aura of toughness around him. Wayne shows his vulnerable side, whereas Harry just won't. 

Harry is a pretty cool, laid back guy. Dave said that, in the beginning, Harry had a problem getting spanked by another man. Harry comes across on film as a pretty likable bloke. He usually plays bullies and recently filmed a sequel to "Dad Found Twitter" because, in the original film with Dom, many of the high jinks listed were actually Harry's doing. That's another thing I love about SLS...the stories are often connected. I think Harry is still embarrassed about talking about spanking. I think he's perfectly OK doing it, but talking about it is a different matter. 

Next, I want to talk about Paul because I find him very  interesting. A few people on the website don't like Paul. Either he's too skinny or he doesn't react to his spankings strongly enough or he's not "hot" enough. Also, at 24, Paul is bit too old for some members' taste.

And Paul, although he's not my type physically, is exactly what I love about Straight Lads Spanked. Dave gives us a nice mix of different kinds of guys. No, Paul isn't a muscular "hottie". We have Andy and Wayne and Harry for that. Paul marches to his own drummer and that's what I like about him. He used to be in the Army and hearing him say "Yes, sir!" you get that right away. He's cheeky and defiant and some people don't like that. His personality demands that you conquer him on his own terms. Paul showed up for his first shoot in Spongebob underwear so I liked him right away. I sincerely hope that Dave brings Paul back so that we get to see him again. I would hate to think that Paul doesn't come back because no one liked him.

Next, I want to discuss Dean, a newcomer to SLS. He's nineteen and just shot his first two movies about the time I joined last September. Paul is interesting because he's the first mixed-race guy that I've seen on the site. That doesn't mean that his ethnicity drives the story. It's never been discussed. I just happened to notice it.

Like Paul, there are some people on the website who aren't fond of Dean. I rather like him. He's slim but with a muscular build (rather like Dom) and he's fantastic when it comes to dialogue. Not only does he ad-lib well, but I can understand him. He may have been to the States or something because, while his accent is pronounced, he speaks clearly. I also love his tattoos, which I can't read to save my life. Dean is also demonstrative when it comes to his reactions. That doesn't mean that he screams and wriggles all over the place, but he just lets you know that whatever just happened to him a lot. In this first video, I thought he was going to hyperventilate. Anyway, time will tell as to how long Dean's career at SLS lasts.

Next, we have Jay. Jay is one of those guys who goes way back with SLS. He left for a while and when he returned, it was with a bang. He had slimmed down and toned up and he looked fabulous. Not that he looked bad before, mind you, but he just looked better.

I'll be honest and say I never used to care that much for Jay, despite his obvious beauty. He was one of those guys that I always felt overreacts to his spankings. Not that his reactions are fake, mind you. Dave truly only wants to film the models' real and honest reactions and Jay has a very low pain tolerance. However, his last two movies have been gems. He plays a young man banned from competing in martial arts competitions because he was caught using illegal enhancements. His last movie, in which he finally goes home to his father after being gone for three weeks is a total tearjerker, something you simply don't get with most other M/M sites. I commended both Jay and Dave for their parts in that movie. Jay showed he has improved on dialogue substantially. I'm looking forward to more from Jay, though I hope he doesn't leave his cheeky character behind. Even though I don't care for his dramatics in some of his other movies, it's the fact that we get variety with Jay that sets him apart.

OK, those are some of the guys who shoot for the website. I deliberately showed most of them not getting spanked because I want you folks to see their faces. In this section, I'm going to show how great they look naked. Nudity doesn't have to be sexual, let me say that right off the bat. I have a great appreciation for the nude form, whether it be men or women. I think bare skin is the most beautiful thing in the world. So for me, seeing an attractive young man without his clothes on doesn't immediately get me all hot and bothered. But I do love it when I see it done tastefully. Dave uses nudity in the Mr. X films to add to the guys' embarrassment. If it was just about the pain, the "punishments" wouldn't be nearly as effective. Getting put over a man's knee when you're a young man yourself isn't easy for most of these lads, but they say it gets easier the more they do it. And I want to point out that Dave doesn't do all the spanking at SLS. The lads have made films where, for various reasons, they spank each other. But here's a sampling so that you get an idea of the nudity on the group and why you still have to be 18 to be a member.

Here's Adam in his very first video, which he shot with Dom. Adam, as you can see, not only looks great OTK, but he looks great in the raw, too. He's got pale skin so he gets red easily and he has a very cute, slightly furry bottom. I love this photo because not only is his bottom red, but his other cheeks blush so sweetly. It's that blush that I talked about before.

Here's Glen, a cute 26-year-old Aussie guy. I didn't put him in the other section because he's only made one film so far. I have a thing for guys with nice quads (that would be thigh muscles for those of you who aren't familiar with that term) and Glen's are first rate. His bottom also gets nice and red. Hopefully, Glen will be back.

Here's two naked guys for the price of one...Adam spanking his mate, Harry in the wheelbarrow position. This occurred in one of the Spank Jenga rounds. I mentioned before that the guys sometimes spank each other and this is one of those times, during a game or contest. Harry has lost and getting spanked by his mates in this revealing position was his forfeit. Harry got a bit annoyed, but you have to admit he looks very attractive in this position.

Here's Dom being spanked naked by Mr. X. When he made his first film, like many as an 18-year-old, a few on the website criticized him as too skinny and too pale, despite his obvious acting talent. Lo and behold, Dom emerged for his next shoot with a nice tan and some very nice muscle definition. He looks gorgeous OTK, don't you agree?

Here's Harry, also being spanked naked by Mr. X for being a bully. Harry has a lot going for him, including awesome quads and a round smooth bottom that gets really red. Even though he's forcing Dave to deal with his arm here, don't doubt for one second who the stronger of the two is here. 

This is the delightful Parker, seen here getting sorted out by Mr. X for being a bully at the bank where he works. I didn't introduce Parker because I don't know if he'll be back. I hope he does more filming because he was terrific with dialogue, was cheeky and had a ton of attitude and also his adorable bottom gets a cute shade of red. Oh, and Parker kicks his feet.

This lovely lad is Tommy. Unfortunately, Tommy doesn't shoot for Straight Lads Spanked anymore. But he was gorgeous, take my word for it. He was a big, beefy guy (and a leg kicker too so that's a plus) with lovely baby blues. When it comes to guys who have moved on, I just sigh and wonder "what if?" 

These lovely bottoms belong to Adam and Wayne. They're about to get the belt because they got caught with pot and helped themselves to "Dad's" rum. Now you can see that their bottoms are already red. That's because they have already been hand spanked. The next picture will help explain why Adam's bottom looks so much worse than Wayne's, even though Wayne has bruises that are healing up (from doing a film where he gets the bath brush just the week before).

Wayne and Adam engage in a spanking competition, which Wayne won. Adam's poor bottom was absolutely a mess when Wayne got done with him, showing that Wayne can dish it out as well as take it. Adam did finally give in and I don't blame him. As an incentive to win, Dave always gives the winner twice as much money as the loser. Some site members don't like these competitions because they're so much into the "punishment" aspect that they can't lighten up and enjoy the fun of seeing two straight friends spank each other for money.

This is why I love Andy as a spanker. Few of the lads are big enough to take him on. The "victim" here is Andy's younger brother, Dan. Dan was a very bad boy...he got caught selling drugs. What I love most about this scene with Andy and Dan is the size difference between the two. Dan looks like a child over Andy's knee. Right after this was shot, Dave did an interview with both Andy and Dan where Dan called Andy a c&^t. Dan had just turned eighteen a few days earlier so I'm sure Andy took Dan out for a drink, man to man to make up for it.

Yes, I know I've shown Wayne before, but not OTK. This was his first shoot and that's Dom standing off to the side. To me, Wayne is like Bazinga! He's absolutely the perfect male spanking model. The tattoo on his bottom reads "I Heart Will And Dom". Dom paid for the tattoo and I think getting it on his bottom was part of a drunken dare. I always warn people about being inked under the influence. Don't do it.

While I agree that there's nudity (and a lot of it frontal) there's also moments of friendship and caring, not just with Dave but among the lads themselves. Some of these moments can only be described as heartwarming.

Now, I ask you, who doesn't just love a boy and a dog? This is Karl and Dave's puppy, Daisy in "Broken Curfew". Notice that Karl is wearing a pajama shirt over his clothes because he's going to sneak out of the house and he's exhorting Daisy to keep mum about it. Who among us didn't try this at least once? I'd like to hear from anyone who managed to get away with it.

Many times, Dave has the lads portraying themselves as "on the outs" as they say, meaning that they aren't getting along for some reason. Many of the scenarios involve problems with girlfriends or falling out over some other stupid thing. Here, Adam and Dom shake hands and make up after they accused each other of stealing money they both took.

Even though Adam is obviously more enthusiastic about the handshake than Dom, you can tell by Dom's expression that all is forgiven. This was Adam's first film and I thought he was wonderful in it. Of course, Dom is always fantastic, but I really thought Adam stole the show from him. I think it's sweet though that Dom is shaking Adam's hand with one hand and rubbing his bottom with the other. Oh, the bottom rubs...I could do a whole other post about those. 

In this photo, big tough Andy Lee tenderly tucks his younger brother, Dan back into bed after pulling the covers off him and spanking the snot out of him. What other site gives you scenes like this? None that I know of. The fact that Andy and Dan are real life brothers makes this even sweeter. Andy even says "I love you" to him before leaving. I have been on tons of M/M sites and I can guarantee you I never heard "I love you" in any of them. 

Domestic scenes lend themselves well to this kind of affection. The next clip I'm about to discuss is still number one on the Top Ten. It stars Oliver as a young man who's sunk about as low as a man can sink. He cheated on his pregnant girlfriend, had to move back home and in an attempt to get some money to sort out a legal problem, he steals his mother's engagement ring and pawns it. This movie is nearly an hour long and that alone should make it popular, but it's the standout performance of Oliver as the poor sod down on his luck that got members all excited. Oliver takes over half an hour of hard spanking, much of it with a bath brush that leaves him bruised and sobbing. Afterward, there's some brief dialogue where Dad tells Oliver how much he and his mother love him. Before he leaves, Dad does this:

A head rub is always cool for me. "Dad" had already rubbed cream on his bottom to sooth it. I should mention that the Bath Brush Beating films are always Mr. X films. This was the first time it had been used in a domestic scene. After that hard beating, I think Oliver wanted some assurance that it was over and this is how Dave showed it.

Two weeks ago, we hit the mother lode. Jay plays a martial artist disgraced by being caught doping in a competition. He spends three weeks away from home, too ashamed to face his father. When he does return, racked with remorse and completely humiliated, he starts crying before any spanking even takes place. This was the forth installment of this particular series and Jay was heavily into his character by this time. I think it's highly likely that Jay brought some kind of emotional turmoil to the character. He begs his father to punish him for the shame he's brought on the family and a reluctant "Dad" does so. When it's all over, eureka, we get the "big moment"...Jay reaches out to Dave and the two embrace as Jay sobs and even Dave chokes up.

I guess I'll close this post by reiterating that there is nothing disgusting or sleazy about the movies that Dave makes for Straight Lads Spanked. Yes, we occasionally get the physical goodies (especially if Andy is involved) but more often than not, it's the emotional aspect, even in the Mr. X films, that ends up being what members love most. I should add that, because Dave is such a presence on the website and answers our questions and takes our recommendations to heart, we all feel great affection for Dave. I'm an ocean apart from him and even I love the guy. It's easy to see why his models love and respect him. And there's nothing sleazy about that.