I've seen quite a few people on Fetlife lately voicing their concerns about whether or not they "belong". It's usually along the lines of someone telling them that they don't belong, whether directly or indirectly. This is nonsense. Who died and made a chosen few the ones who decide whether or not someone belongs? I didn't realize that these chosen few were the only ones doing it right and the rest of us are wrong. I've heard several variations on the "you're doing it wrong" judgment.
1) "You're not a true sub because you're too mouthy/aggressive/you made eye contact", etc.
Now, I'm not a sub so I have no idea what a "true" one is. But I have decided that this is something D-types and masters do to make subs feel bad about voicing an opinion or a limit.
News Flash: You have no right to tell someone they aren't real just because they don't do their particular kink the way you do it. You are not the be-all-and-end-all of kink.
2) "You're not a true dom because you switch/bottom privately/allow your sub to have her own ideas", etc.
I'm also not a dom so I can't really say what a true one is. But I do know that doms get the same mirror pointed at them, only in revers. If subs are supposed to always be subservient and docile, then doms are always supposed to be in command and know every answer to every question.
News Flash: Doms are human. They have the same weaknesses and imperfections as the rest of us. Again, if someone wants to call himself a dom but occasionally wants to bottom to someone, that shouldn't rock the kink boat that much.
3) "You should be a Domme because your mouth is as fat as your ass."
I was actually told this. So apparently, if I as a bottom, voice my opinion, I should be a Domme. Meaning that bottoms shouldn't have opinions. Or we can have them, we just can't voice them.
News Flash: This is a free country. I have just as much right to an opinion as anyone else. And I have the right to voice it, too, despite the fact that you don't like it.
4) "You shouldn't be on Fetlife because spanking is your only kink and that makes you practically vanilla."
I was actually told this, too. The person who said it took it upon himself to tell me this after I took exception to a photo of his. If you don't want people to comment negatively on your pics, either make them friends only or don't post them publicly.
News Flash: I am not vanilla in any way, shape or form. Would a vanilla lady smile like this with her bottom this red?
I seriously doubt it. I also doubt a vanilla woman would be able to handle all of the serious toys in this photo.
5) "You don't belong on Fetlife because you're a prude/won't meet strangers for sex/won't Skype with a total stranger/won't show your pussy", etc.
I wasn't aware that certain things were a requirement for being on Fetlife. I thought your profile was yours to do with as you please. I thought I could post whatever pics I want, whether they are nudes or not.
News Flash: The fact that I do or do not show certain parts of my anatomy is no concern of anyone else's. Fetlife is not a sex site, no matter how much people try to say it is.
6) "You don't belong on Fetlife because you're a Christian/conservative/Republican", etc.
I'm all three of those things and I'm not ashamed of any of them.
News Flash: There's no rule that I'm aware of that says a member of Fetlife has to be an atheist/liberal/Democrat. I know many people on Fet and in the scene whose ideals line up with mine. There are groups on Fet for Christians, atheists, Wiccans, agnostics, and everything else you can come up with. There's room for all of us.
7) "You don't belong on Fetlife because you don't believe that spanking is sex/can be punishment/has to cause tears", etc.
For me, spanking simply isn't sex. If spanking was sex, the top would have to wear a condom when he spanks me. There certainly is a sexual component and there are times when I can become highly aroused by spanking. But that still ain't sex, sorry.
News Flash: People are free to do their spanking any way they want to. If you use it for foreplay, great for you. If you want to keep your panties up for modesty's sake, then you go, girl. If you need spanking for emotional release, then knock yourself out.
8) "You don't belong on Fetlife because you don't watch Dexter/Firefly/Twilight/Walking Dead", etc.
I don't watch much television, unless it's baseball, History Channel or true crime documentaries.
News Flash: Since when do the shows you watch define whether or not you're kinky? The kinkiest man I know hasn't watched a television program since 2007.
9) "You don't belong on Fetlife because you don't get flogged/whipped/tied up", etc.
Not everyone in the spanking scene is into the heavier stuff.
News Flash: I've had whips used on me. It was enjoyable, but not really my thing. A person doesn't have to be into what you're into in order to qualify to belong on Fetlife.
OK, I could go on, but you get the idea. There seems to be a "mean girls club" that goes around telling women what they need to do to belong or be in the "in crowd". This is very sad. When I started in the spanking scene, things were different. People helped each other. There was a lot less competing going on. But now? Oh yes, things are different. For one thing, there's a plethora of young or inexperienced women flooding the scene, thanks in part to the "50 Shades" books and sites like Fetlife. I'm not knocking these ladies at all. There's room for everyone. But many of these people seem less than welcoming. They treat every party they go to like it's high school; where they're the cheer leaders and the rest of us are lesser beings because we're not as thin, cute, rich, perky, whatever. Most of the people in the scene are welcoming and very nice. But there are a few with attitude and I avoid them like the plague. I have no desire to sit and talk to someone who looks her nose down at me because my earrings aren't real diamonds.
I'm amazed at how unfeeling some people can be. I've seen enough posts by people telling others that they somehow aren't doing it right. This, to me, is a sign of insecurity. People often make themselves feel better by making someone else feel bad. This is too bad. We're all adults. Surely, someone can post an opposing opinion without people jumping on that person. I guess, all I can say is that I'm going to stay on Fetlife until the caretakers throw me off.