Friday, January 30, 2009

Get A Clue!

I had a rather fustrating chat tonight. This guy asked me right off the bat if I made love to any of the men who have spanked me. This was about three minutes into our chat and that was the second personal question he asked. The first was if I was childless by choice or because I couldn't have them. This guy is a dom and makes no bones about it. I can live with that.
What I can't live with is his insistance that "friends" can talk anything together. While I certainly agree that this is true, it was five minutes into our first chat. I hardly think that qualifies us as "friends".

This big Domly Dom then spent the next fifteen minutes or so pelting me with a sarcastic discussion of the weather, asking me if talking about the weather was "too personal". Geez, some people. Just because I wouldn't tell him if I was sleeping with any of my spankers. Why do some men think that spanking and sex are interchangable? That one can't possibly exist without the other? I knew what his game was. He was trying to guage me. I told him flat out that I was NOT a submissive and I didn't appreciate him treating me like one. He just assumed I would willingly answer any questions he asked me, no matter how personal, because I wanted to please him. Please! When will these doms get it through their heads that not all girls who get spanked are submissive? He was sarcastic and condescending throughout most of our chat. OK, I could have gone into a long and boring dissertation about how I'm a Christian and I'm not casual about sex, but I sincerely doubt his dom brain would've been able to grasp the concept of a woman who doesn't put out for every guy she meets. I didn't ask him personal questions. I was respectful and courteous to him at all times despite the fact that I'm sure he thought that was a submissive response. I just did it because it's what polite people do. I could've been terribly rude to him and told him off, but I didn't. The truth is, this one of the most enfuriating things I encounter in the scene. And it happens all the time. I don't treat every top I play with like a dom. Why should it happen the other way around?
I hate to say it, but I think sometimes submissives do us bottoms a disservice. They are all so accomodating--they get naked and get sexual with total strangers because, well, that what subs do, isn't it? The men become so conditioned to this response that they expect it from every woman they play with. I played at a party once with a dom who told me rather smugly that every woman he has ever played with has orgasmed copiously from playing with him and he expected no less from me. In fact, he insisted I report to him how many orgasms I had when we were done playing. I got up off his lap and jerked my panties up. "It was a nice round number" I told him. "Zero." His brow furrowed. He asked me in perfect seriousness if he had given me permission to pull my panties up. I told him they were MY panties and didn't need his precious permission to pull them up. He told me my dom needed to train me better, starting with being obediant and having an orgasm during a spanking. I laughed. I told him I didn't have a dom because I wasn't a sub. He told me (in the same smug tone) that he could have sworn I was and that he had NEVER been wrong about being able to spot a sub. I told him I guessed his batting average was going to go down a few points. He avoided me the rest of the party. This big, arrogant dom couldn't face a woman who dared to stand up to him. That is what I dispise about a lot of doms. They are very ego driven people. Everything is about them. I didn't want to be rude to him, but I believed his arrogance deserved to be met with derision. I'm not downing submissives either. A lot of women I know in the scene identify as submissives. Many are good friends of mine.
The first question this dom I chatted with asked me was if I enjoyed spanking. I told him there would hardly be any point to doing it if I didn't like it. He had seen all the photos I had posted to my Fetlife profile. Most of them were pics of me being spanked. Now, with all that photographic evidence in front of him, why did he feel he needed to ask me if I enjoyed it? Did he think I did it for some other reason? Did he happen to miss the big smile on my face in most of the pictures? Some people are so wrapped up in themselves that it's sickening. Obviously, this guy was so busy looking at my pictures for supposed "clues" to my submission that he missed the reality of my attitude entirely. But it seems that most of the men that I have met or chatted with from Fetlife are doms. There are precious few tops out there. Fetlife is generally more geared toward the BDSM crowd than spanko purists like me. Even in the spanking groups I belong to, the words "dom" and "sub" seem to be the words of choice when it comes to describing those who spank and those who get spanked. I rarely see the words "top" and "bottom". It makes me wonder how well I actually fit in with the Fetlife crowd. I like the freedom on Fetlife as opposed to how limited the Yahoo groups are. But maybe that's where I belong though?
I don't want to give the impression that I'm ambivilent about the scene. I realize that there are times I certainly feel that way, but this isn't one of them. I just need to meet a nice, fun top and get a nice fun spanking. Gee, it's been forever...but that changes Thursday and I can't wait!


Indy said...

I wonder if that party dom had ever seen the restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally... Sounds like a really frustrating chat, Cheryl-- I'm glad you have a nice play date to look forward to.

Thanks for working tirelessly to train these clueless guys... maybe it has more of an effect than they'll admit. We can hope, can't we?

Cheryl said...

Indy, if I thought it would do any good I would make it my life's work LOL. And you're right, I suppose I could've just faked it. But that's really not me at all. It would've taught him a lesson though :)


Dr. Ken said...

Cheryl--that's one of the problems, perhaps of coming from the BDSM world. They perhaps don't view spankng the same way as we do. I very often get the impression that their feeling is, "Spanking? Really? Is that ALL that you do?" Like for them, it's just an amusing place to start, wheras for me it's more like the be all and end all.....

Dr. Ken

Cheryl said...

Dr. Ken,

I, for one, am glad that you feel that way! :)


Indy said...

No need for concern, Cheryl, I'm sure half the women he's ever played with were faking, and it doesn't seem to have taught him anything!

*shakes head and laughs for want of a better response to domly cluelessness*